Deep Thoughts of Doyle Smith
A few years ago, my wife and I rented a piece of land with a cottage from an older couple named Doyle and Helen. Daily conversations with Doyle were inevitable, as he was a very sociable man. Below I have compiled some of Doyle's "deeper thoughts".
“We’re going up along the Georgia-Tennessee line near where that civil war battle was…you know, Gettysburg.”
On discussing a road trip to Chickamauga, Georgia to visit a sick relative.
“I bought that truck four years ago and paid $3500 for it. I reckon I’ll get less for it, probably $3800.”
A conversation about selling his Ford pickup.
“We got more animals here than Nora had on her ark!”
Doyle was complaining about all of his dogs.
“ Usin’ that treadmill ain’t the same as walkin’”
In reply to my comment of walking on the treadmill at Gold’s Gym
“There ain’t no Copperheads down there, so he ain’t got nothing’ to worry about. Just Cottonmouths.”
Doyle was arguing with Helen, his wife, on the presence of snakes down by the creek.
“Yep, ‘at’s a Cottonmouth. Looks jest like one, course, I ain’t never seen one up close, but if’n I was to, he’d probably look jest like that one.”
I showed Doyle a dead Cottonmouth that was killed by a friend and myself in the creek near Doyle’s house.
“Someday Helen’ll jest keel over and drop dead, an’ all this’ll be mine. I think I’ll turn it into a nudist colony and have a big barbecue.”
A statement made by Doyle in reference to Helen's 150 acres while walking with me along the back pasture.
“ I like microwaves. They’s great fer frozen pizza. They come out soggy an‘ wet, but they’s hot and tastes like pizza, ’at’s all ’at matters, I reckon.”
His opinion on microwave ovens.
“It was a groundhog. I saw it out the winda’ an’ I got my .30-30 and killed it. It’s dead, I reckon. I saw it flip, but I didn’t go look at the sumbitch.”
On questioning him about the gunshot that woke us all up at the crack of dawn.”
“Aw, hell no! I just wanted to kill it. T’waren’t hurtin nothing’.”
When I asked if he was going to eat it.
“If you rub your hands in your armpits first, you can pick up a snake an’ he won’t bite you, ‘at‘s the gospel truth.”
A comment he made when discussing the handling of poisonous snakes.
“Man, you done me two favors today. You helped me get ma’ truck, and you kept me from going to hell!”
After I interrupted him while he was with the young girl from down the road, attempting to cheat on Helen.
“Too bad fer her, though. She coulda had some o’ my sebm by sebm.”
Doyle’s comment about the girl that I caught him with. “Seven by seven” refers to his penis size: 7 inches long by 7 inches around. Yeah, right.
“We prob’ly ain’t gonna have a garden next year, Helen’ll be dead by then, she’s so old and tired n’all.”
A random comment out of the blue while standing with me in the garden.
“If there’s a drought, and you find a black snake, kill it and hang it over a fence or a tree limb with its head facing north. Ah guaran-god-damn-tee ya it’ll rain within 24 hours.”
On how to make it rain.
“It was jest a-settin’ there, so I headed for it. It didn’t move, so I ran over it. Must’ve been sick. I backed over it to make sure it was dead.”
I asked Doyle why he found it necessary to kill the cat up the road.
“One day a sheep dog come over and set next to me on the porch. I don’t know where it come from, it jest showed up. Purdy soon this feller comes by and asks me how much I’d sell him the dog for. I said ‘$500’. The feller said he’d be back. He come back an’ give me $500 fer that dog.”
“I knew a guy that had a baby German Shepherd. As soon as that dog was born, he was feeding that pup vitamins. Later on it got killed.”
We were discussing dogs. At least one of us was.
“Naw, they’d jest sniff an’ lick each other’s butt holes. They like that sort’ a thing. I know I would.”
I asked him if his two dogs would fight if they were let off their chains.
“I’ve been doin’ alright. Had me an enema the other day.”
His reply to “How’ve you been?”