Deep Thoughts of Doyle Smith

A few years ago, my wife and I rented a piece of land with a cottage from an older couple named Doyle and Helen. Daily conversations with Doyle were inevitable, as he was a very sociable man. Below I have compiled some of Doyle's "deeper thoughts".

“We’re going up along the Georgia-Tennessee line near where that civil war battle was…you know, Gettysburg.”

^{On discussing a road trip to Chickamauga, Georgia to visit a sick relative}.

“I bought that truck four years ago and paid $3500 for it. I reckon I’ll get less for it, probably $3800.”

^{A conversation about selling his Ford pickup.}

“We got more animals here than Nora had on her ark!”

^{Doyle was complaining about all of his dogs}.

“ Usin’ that treadmill ain’t the same as walkin’”

^{In reply to my comment of walking on the treadmill at Gold’s Gym}

“There ain’t no Copperheads down there, so he ain’t got nothing’ to worry about. Just Cottonmouths.”

^{Doyle was arguing with Helen, his wife, on the presence of snakes down by the creek.}

“Yep, ‘at’s a Cottonmouth. Looks jest like one, course, I ain’t never seen one up close, but if’n I was to, he’d probably look jest like that one.”

^{I showed Doyle a dead Cottonmouth that was killed by a friend and myself in the creek near Doyle’s house}.

“Someday Helen’ll jest keel over and drop dead, an’ all this’ll be mine. I think I’ll turn it into a nudist colony and have a big barbecue.”

^{A statement made by Doyle in reference to Helen's 150 acres while walking with me along the back pasture.}

“ I like microwaves. They’s great fer frozen pizza. They come out soggy an‘ wet, but they’s hot and tastes like pizza, ’at’s all ’at matters, I reckon.”

^{His opinion on microwave ovens.}

“It was a groundhog. I saw it out the winda’ an’ I got my .30-30 and killed it. It’s dead, I reckon. I saw it flip, but I didn’t go look at the sumbitch.”

^{On questioning him about the gunshot that woke us all up at the crack of dawn.”}

“Aw, hell no! I just wanted to kill it. T’waren’t hurtin nothing’.”

^{When I asked if he was going to eat it.}

“If you rub your hands in your armpits first, you can pick up a snake an’ he won’t bite you, ‘at‘s the gospel truth.”

^{A comment he made when discussing the handling of poisonous snakes.}

“Man, you done me two favors today. You helped me get ma’ truck, and you kept me from going to hell!”

^{After I interrupted him while he was with the young girl from down the road, attempting to cheat on Helen.}

“Too bad fer her, though. She coulda had some o’ my sebm by sebm.”

^{Doyle’s comment about the girl that I caught him with. “Seven by seven” refers to his penis size: 7 inches long by 7 inches around. Yeah, right.}

“We prob’ly ain’t gonna have a garden next year, Helen’ll be dead by then, she’s so old and tired n’all.”

^{A random comment out of the blue while standing with me in the garden.}

“If there’s a drought, and you find a black snake, kill it and hang it over a fence or a tree limb with its head facing north. Ah guaran-god-damn-tee ya it’ll rain within 24 hours.”

^{On how to make it rain.}

“It was jest a-settin’ there, so I headed for it. It didn’t move, so I ran over it. Must’ve been sick. I backed over it to make sure it was dead.”

^{I asked Doyle why he found it necessary to kill the cat up the road.}

“One day a sheep dog come over and set next to me on the porch. I don’t know where it come from, it jest showed up. Purdy soon this feller comes by and asks me how much I’d sell him the dog for. I said ‘$500’. The feller said he’d be back. He come back an’ give me $500 fer that dog.”

“I knew a guy that had a baby German Shepherd. As soon as that dog was born, he was feeding that pup vitamins. Later on it got killed.”

^{We were discussing dogs. At least one of us was.}

“Naw, they’d jest sniff an’ lick each other’s butt holes. They like that sort’ a thing. I know I would.”

^{I asked him if his two dogs would fight if they were let off their chains.}

“I’ve been doin’ alright. Had me an enema the other day.”

^{His reply to “How’ve you been?”}