ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Defining Lonliness

Updated on August 9, 2009


Your child goes off to college and you have an empty nest so your are lonely.

You move to another town so your are lonely.

There are lots of reasons to be lonely. But that lonliness that dwells inside your soul and eats the blood life out of you, that is lonliness.


This is Loneliness

Loneliness can destroy a person. That feeling of impending doom, that we will never feel that touch that warms our soul. When we are betrayed by a spouse, girl friend, partner the feeling that nothing will ever be the same is true. It won't. You have the anger which shows and in return turns people away. Sitting by the cell phone when there is no one to even going to call. Clinging to every bit of emotion or attention for the body craves it like a drug. It craves the touch, the smell, the yearning to be loved, even if you know you can't really love back. Self Deprivation sinks in. Instant gratification makes it go away for a moment but we don't think of it returning for we are so in love with getting affection, whether it is real or not. Oh, you love me, good I love you too and the loneliness disappears long enough for reality to set in and it's over. Like a one night stand. Instant gratification made it easier to sleep, someone to hold you even though they probably didn't remember who you were, it felt good, if only for a moment. Then soon that gut wrenching feeling that turns your stomach into knots returns for it's over, the high is gone and the loneliness creeps back in. Everything becomes grey again and you seek anything to make it go away. Some turn to Alcohol or drugs, some become sexually promiscuous because sex is confused with love. You become more and more vulnerable, easily taken advantage of. Before you know it you are right back where you started, it is a cycle. It's not a good feeling, so why do we allow ourselves to get to this point? Low Self Esteem.

Boosting your Self Esteem

I have listed for you some great hubs that will help you conquer and raise your self esteem.  Look deep on the inside, find that inner child and start to heal.


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment
    • profile image

      feel it 

      8 years ago

      Lonliness is no fun. How is that for a profound thought, eh?

      The best way I have found is to accept it, feel it, let it happen. Trying to be tough and strong was less effective. When I just let it in, sooner or later I will surface; still lonely, of course, but finding myself enjoying life while lonely.

      I've been lonely all my life, through two marriages and now while single. Probably will die lonely, so I guess I better enjoy it.

    • andromida profile image

      syras mamun 

      9 years ago

      Loneliness is an empty space in heart which tries to occupy more space each time you feel low.One way to drive out loneliness is always try to keep doing whatever you love to do the most.Yet we are not machine, sometimes bad emotions or memory creeps in our mind and welcomes loneliness to take charge of our mind.Sometimes I also feel very lonely when my close ones go away.I like your hub very much dori.You have very deep fascinating insights about human feelings and life.Thanks.

    • ripplemaker profile image

      Michelle Simtoco 

      9 years ago from Cebu, Philippines

      Hi Dori, yes it does start with loving the self huh? Sending you loving hugs today :)

    • Eaglekiwi profile image


      9 years ago from -Oceania

      Takes courage to share and make oneself vulnerable in a way ,so I know your halfway to where-ever it is you wanted to go, hope that made sense ,lol.

      We all ,well majority go through times of self-doubt ,sometimes its hormonal or chemically induced ,other times the crap builds up and needs release. You covered that aspect well in your hub ,and Ive discovered there are two ways people relate to stress, one ,hurt the other person ,two or hurt themselves.

      Every morning look in the mirror and say out loud...'Youre a great person" sounds silly , but it works!!

      Jesus is my drug of choice ,lol , I just wish you love and peace always.

    • fortunerep profile imageAUTHOR

      Dori S Matte 

      9 years ago from Hillsborough

      The only response I can give back to you guys is that you are awesome, great people. Words can't describe whatit means to hear your encouraging words. Sometimes we feel in life that being loved validates us. I know I am loved. But you are all correct, I need to love myself first. I am going to do that. LOVE ME. I am learning to Love myself, or to take the time to do so. My real intentions for this hub was for someone else, but it applies to me as well. For I am guilty of not loving myself.

      hugs to all


    • Ladybird33 profile image


      9 years ago from Fabulous USA

      Self esteem is so important in everyone's life. This is a rich, deeply written hub that I got everything you were expressing. Sometimes we just forget about the other options of improving our self-esteem, excellent advice. Thank you.

    • Beeline to Goods profile image

      Beeline to Goods 

      9 years ago from Mandeville, LA

      The loneliness that you feel is your separation from knowing God on a personal level. He is there for you always, you just need to believe that and stop trying to control the course of your life all by yourself. Rely on God for self worth and validation. Your constant yearning for love and attention, as well as your feeling of extreme loniliness are actually prompting from the Holy Spirit to turn your troubles over to God. Make him a part of your life. He, and he alone will make you feel whole and satisfied within your life. God says, "I am the vine, and you are the branches, together we will bear great fruit, without me you will whither and die, you can do nothing."

      Don't look to people to give you what you are searching for, only God can fill that void. Once he does, your concentrations will shift from mere survival mode to a sense of quality and richness. Then others will see THAT in you and realize that you have a lot to offer as a friend, or girlfriend.

    • no body profile image

      Robert E Smith 

      9 years ago from Rochester, New York

      Loneliness is a tangible thing that plays with your mind. You keep yourself company by torturing yourself with statements about yourself that are not true. These voices that all sound like your own voice will cruelly say that you are not worthy of love. That the loneliness hurts physically. That you're ugly. That you don't deserve to live. I believe that evil itself can speak at this time and become an almost irresistable force. Suicides happen at this time. I have been there. My children would not visit me when I was separated from my first wife. I was emotionally starved, mentally exhausted. My children were growing up without me and there was no way my marriage was healing. I needed love not sex but of course your body says differently. I stayed celebate for 8 years waiting for the Lord to change my circumstances. I ached to be held, to be intimate, to be needed. He has healed everything now. I am remarried, my children speak to me, and I'm finally happy and absolutely not lonely. Thank you for writing this. Speaking these things is therapeutic. Thank you Dori, you're the best.

    • jayb23 profile image


      9 years ago from India

      Great Hub.Loneliness can sometimes realy affect our health and it can act as a curse.The imp thing is we should be happy with oursleves and learn to live our life on our own.

    • John Chancellor profile image

      John Chancellor 

      9 years ago from Tennessee


      There is one other point I wish to make.

      What we focus on tends to expand in our lives. So if we focus on our loneliness, it becomes more acute. We become more aware of how lonely we are. The more we focus on a particular problem, the more control it takes over our life.

      The answer is to focus on what you have. One good habit to start is keeping a gratitude journal. Take a notebook and each day write down 5 or 6 things that you are grateful for. The more you focus on what you have in your life you are grateful for, the more important these things will become.

      I think Seneca captured this idea best when he said, "It is not the man who has too little, but the man who craves more that is poor."

      It is easy to obsess about what we don't have. Count your blessings, be grateful for what you have and it will multiply.

    • Mighty Mom profile image

      Susan Reid 

      9 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

      Self-esteem is such a catch 22 isn't it? We need to have enough of it to attract real love into our lives, but if we don't have love in our lives it can obliterate our already low self-esteem. Self-love is a hard concept to learn and even harder to master.

      Great hub. And know that you are not only loved but cherished here on HP. (((DORI))) MM

    • profile image

      Feline Prophet 

      9 years ago

      Dori, many of us are conditioned to rely on someone else to validate us. If we learnt to rely on ourselves to be happy, loneliness might never set in. :)

    • G-Ma Johnson profile image

      Merle Ann Johnson 

      9 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

      Yes dear is all true..but I am remembering a saying, or part of a song ??? ..."set it free, if it was meant to be it will come back to you..if not it never was meant yours anyway"

      You know people will think what they want ; no matter just 'say what you mean, and mean what you say' and always be true to YOUR Heart ..God Bless...:O) Hugs

    • VioletSun profile image


      9 years ago from Oregon/ Name: Marie

      Fortunerep: When I learned to love myself, which means appreciating as the Desiderata poem says that I am "a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars", I ended feeling much more at peace within, and when we feel more integrated on the inside, we stop doing things that are hurtful to ourselves. I can enjoy being alone or with someone. John's words are beautiful, filled with wisdom.

      Thanks for writing this, made me pause and think.

    • Beth100 profile image


      9 years ago from Canada

      Unless you can love yourself, you will be at the mercy of others to provide you what you need. If you love yourself, look after yourself, accept yourself, you shall be filled with your own needs and desires. You will have achieved fulfillment at this point, and it won't matter what others can or cannot give you. You have become independent.

    • fortunerep profile imageAUTHOR

      Dori S Matte 

      9 years ago from Hillsborough

      So very well said as usual, John. Your wisdom sometimes astounds me. thanks for your comment, it puts things in perspective.


    • John Chancellor profile image

      John Chancellor 

      9 years ago from Tennessee


      You are so right. Seeking emotional gratification from others is a Catch 22. No matter how good someone else makes us feel, the feeling quickly vanishes and we need to replace it. So whatever made us feel good, we seek more of it. It can be like a narcotic. We need ever larger doses to satisfy the longing.

      The answer, in the words of Epictetus, is to, "Vigilantly practice indifference to external conditions. Your happiness can only be found within."

      We should not let our need for emotional comfort lure us into accepting temporary gratification which will quickly fade and increase our longing.

      Again, the words of Epictetus, "By accepting life's limits and inevitabilities and working with them rather than fighting them, we become free. If, on the other hand, we succumb to our passing desires for things that aren't in our control, freedom is lost."

      Don't lose your freedom by depending on others for your emotional well being.


    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

    Show Details
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)
    ClickscoThis is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy)