- Gender and Relationships
Did He Reject Your Rejection?
Many times after having just one date you can know if you want to continue dating or not. This usually can be determined depending on the excitement—or lack of—that you feel after the date has ended.
If you are no longer interested in a guy it can be very disappointing and frankly disrespectful when you do tell him—in as kind of a way as you can—and he ends up insulting you. Grow up!
Ladies, it's important that if you are not interested in a guy that you let him know right away—of course choosing your words is important—so make sure you clue him in once you have formed how you want to deliver this message. Also be as clear as possible—don't beat around the bush.
Losing interest or lack of usually happens due to several things:
1. You see him again and realize you are not as attracted to him as you thought you were originally. This can happen if you had a few cocktails when you first met him.
2. You met him on the Internet or a friend set you up and the basic attraction wasn't there.
3. The attraction was initially there but due to lack of compatibility, chemistry, communication or lack of effort made you lose interest.
Whatever it was for you that changed your mind, letting him know this is important—you should treat him how you would want to be treated and not lead him on. I would rather a guy be upfront and let me know as soon as his feelings have changed versus wasting my time.
Here's the things about rejection....No One Likes It, I get it, however what I don't understand is that if you are not wanting to date a guy should you fake it—and pretend like you do—in order to save his feelings—and frankly coddle his ego? No. That's silly and a waste of time, energy and possibly money. Unfortunately not everyone is going be the right fit, that's why the process is called dating and you need to be true to yourself and what you ultimately want.
I went on a date with a guy who did not take rejection well at all. The night I first met him I was having a girls night out with my friend. This guy was extremely polite—making room so my friend and I could sit. He was not only funny, entertaining and sincere but also intelligent, kind and attractive. Even though he made it very clear that he was interested in me, he went out of his way to keep my girlfriend in the conversation we were having. By the end of the night not only did my friend give a big stamp of approval, I was also excited when he asked for my phone number.
When I met him for our date he was bursting with energy. I had forgotten how much energy this guy had—definitely kept me on my toes. He was also very passionate about so many things which was such a great quality. He was extremely attentive—making sure that I had everything I needed—checking in throughout our date to see if I needed anything else—more food, wine or his jacket if I was cold. Even though the conversation was so easy with this guy there was something missing that I couldn't put my figure on....
Towards the end of the night when he went to kiss me, there it was... the missing piece. We had no romantic chemistry. Ok that's not fair of me to say, I felt No romantic chemistry with him. This concept confused me. All the entities seemed to be there. But when he held my hand I felt nothing—it was like a friend holding my hand—a nice feeling but not a romantic one. The kiss solidified everything that I was not feeling earlier.
For a relationship to develop for me, I have to have some chemistry on a romantic level. I'm not looking for instantaneous chemistry, however there needs to be some basic chemistry past friendship.
To be fair, we kissed several times....and still I felt nothing. In fact, the kiss was extremely awkward. His explanation was that we needed to "practice kissing." Seriously? When he started telling me that he wanted to see me again and how excited he was that we met I convinced myself that I should give him another chance. He was a really nice guy and maybe I could get past not having chemistry or maybe one would eventually build.
When I got home I decided to sleep on it and not make any rash decisions. If I woke up thinking of him in a positive way I would give him another chance to see if there was anything to build on. There wasn't. He was definitely on my mind the next day—disconnected just as our kiss was. I had my answer.
Later in the afternoon when I received a text from him asking when he could see me again I decided that I needed to let him know that I was not feeling a romantic connection.
Honestly I think that when two people need to "practice kissing" that means there isn't enough chemistry---at least on a romantic level---for me.
You're a very passionate, intelligent, funny, and caring guy--with a big heart, however I'm not feeling that our journey right now is meant to be on a romantic or physical level....but instead one of friendship."
Well, this guy was not hearing what I said At All. His response....
"Hey Sweetie .. I think we should date ...
You are adorable and smart too, and there is nothing to lose.
Also why to keep looking for something else out there that may not exist?
I really was teasing you about 'practice kissing' ... And I think we will not need too much 'practice' to achieve 'perfection'.
That instantaneous 'chemistry' that you talk about .. It never lasts...
Relationships require a little bit of work, sacrifice or compromise, commitment, etc.
... And I am up for it.
Let me know .. And if it is yes .. Let's have some fun and cover some distance together .."
I had to read his text twice since I couldn't believe that he rejected my rejection—completely disregarded how I felt. We had only had one date and honestly it didn't make sense to continue dating when there was zero chemistry. So I responded....
"Hi. I hope you are having a great day.
To be clear, I'm not looking for instantaneous chemistry...I haven't looked for that since my 20s---that type of chemistry which I'm very aware of burns out Very quickly. However there still needs to be some chemistry on a romantic level to date.
For me, kissing is important and I felt that we didn't connect at all...which hasn't happened to me since my high school years. It didn't feel natural or organic, instead it felt awkward and complicated.
I'm not sure if any 'practice' can change that.
I also know that relationships take work, however the real work shouldn't have to come this soon."
Well, let's just say he did not take my last text very well....at all...
"A few things:
1) I am not worried about our first kiss because I was 'nervous' that night. I am not a 'player' anymore. (What does that have to do with anything?)
2) FYI I had 5 long term relationships in my life .. All of them amazing with great sex .. Therefore I know what I am talking about. (Do you?... because 'great' sex is subjective)
3) Latin people are the ones with a reputation of being good lovers .. Not Americans. (Wow...I didn't know that Americans are not good lover...news to me.)
4) There is no point to continue this conversation because I feel you do not have the type of knowledge and experience that I have .. Therefore you do not understand. (Really?!)
5) I also know that no great woman in Denver should be single .. There are too many guys here. (Wow!...and why is He still single?)
6) Denver women are very disappointing because they do not know how to 'lead' men. It is the woman who is the one that has the power. Women in other countries act and think different than you .. And you have a bad reputation internationally. (Then why live in America if you have such negative feelings about American women?)
7) I was open to 'practice' and growing something together but in reality we were never a good match.I.e. We do not eat the same food and I enjoy immensely eating with my woman. (Agree...so why did you reject my rejection? Also, I have Celiac disease—which I told you Several times before our date—it's hard to eat when there were not many options)
8) Lastly 'Practice' is essential on everything in life to achieve 'perfection' .. Including kissing! (Not a100% true.)
- No hard feelings here and I wish you well. (Do you?)
- you were very pretty that night. (Thank you.)
- overall I know we had a good time that day. (Yes, but again, not on a romantic level for me)
And sorry for the very long message. (Are you?)"
Seriously!!! I did not expect that. Apparently rejection was hard for this guy to swallow. My response was nothing. Any man who needs to emotionally attack me because I didn't want to date him was not worth my time nor energy to respond back. And frankly, he was obviously too immature.
Ladies, if a guy needs to have a tantrum and blatantly insults you and your character because you have decided that you are not interested in pursuing something further...you definitely dogged a HUGE bullet. Be very relieved and remember that honesty is best policy. A mature man of quality will respect and appreciate that characteristic—despite the outcome of the relationship!
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