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Please Help! I Really Don't Want a Divorce.

Updated on December 19, 2015
Talking is the only way.
Talking is the only way. | Source

How To Stop A Divorce

Talk Through The Problems.

It is so easy to say talk about the problems you have. Yet so many couples cannot communicate with each other once a breakdown situation is arrived at. It could mean separation or even worse it could mean divorce. Is that what you really want. If not you must sit down and start talking, it's the only way to save your marriage. Divorce can be a scar for life on one party and a passport to freedom and happiness for the other. It really is that stark. So it is time to consider how to stop a divorce. By now you should have an idea of what you want to do.

Who Is To Blame.

Clearly if your partner has been unfaithful, then it's a case of forgiveness, are you able to forgive. Can you forgive the anguish which you have felt, the pain, the heartbreak and the betrayal. It is easier for some than others but remember you will never forget. Will you be able to cope with this as time passes. It might be that there is no particular reason for the breakdown, it might be that you have simply grown apart. Different interests, desires, friends and workload mean that couples lose that intimate closeness that they once had. In such cases neither side is to blame but because of their unhappiness with the situation they blame each other. The house has a air of 'raging calm' all the time. Conversation is nil. Happiness has flown out of the window. Often a row will start from nothing and both parties just want to get away from each other. It's at times like these that the word Divorce is mentioned, and hearts are broken.

Are There Any Children.

Obviously you will have talked about the effect a Divorce will have on any children. How will they take it, are you all very close, or are they perhaps afraid of one parent or the other. Should you carry on for their sake, or should you separate or Divorce. Only you and your spouse can answer these questions.

Staying Together Or Breaking Up.

Staying together means many changes. Both parties must make compromises. A real effort has to be made to build bridges. If there are financial problems work to resolve them. Easily said I know but clearing debts can bring the one thing we all strive for, Peace of Mind. If you can make an evening a week for each other, pain, angst and heartbreak can begin to heal. If there are children, take them out, never mind the computer and the games, let them see what life is like outside with their Mum and Dad. If you really want to be happy again, you must both do whatever it takes. It will not be easy, there might be setbacks but keep looking forward be honest with each other. Smile as often as you can, it will be your best chance of long term happiness.

© 2013 Graham Lee

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    • Peanutritious profile image

      Tara Carbery 4 years ago from Cheshire, UK

      Hi Graham,

      Divorce is so traumatic. My Mum and Dad fought like Cat and Dog all through my childhood but stayed together 'because of me and my two brothers'. They seemed to think that it would affect us less than splitting up but i'll never forget the nights I spent stroking my brother's hair as they wept trying to get them to sleep. I could never answer their question 'why won't Mum and Dad stop fighting'.

      It only came to a head when my Mum found out my Dad was having an affair and it destroyed her (he'd had several but as a catholic she truly believed that marriage was for life and he wouldn't have done that to her.)

      I was 24 by this time and buggered off to Thailand to teach as it was like living in a war zone.

      As you said Divorce can be a 'scar for life' for one person and a 'passport to freedom and happiness' for the other. My Mum being the former, my Father the latter.

      Great hub. Voted up and shared.

    • old albion profile image
      Author

      Graham Lee 4 years ago from Lancashire. England.

      Hi Tara. Thanks for such an early comment only seven minutes! Thanks for voting and sharing. Yes, life can be so difficult. The social situation is becoming a blight on society. As I have grown older the stronger my social conscience has become. I am from a 2 up and 2 down in Rusholme originally. One cold tap in the house and an outside toilet in the back yard. I never realised we were 'skint' until I grew up a bit. Today people are being given food from food banks. I am talking about 69 years ago. But there it is.

      Graham.

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Good suggestions, Graham! With a divorce rate of over 50%, I think there are a few people in the U.S. who would benefit from this hub. It's just too damn easy to give up on a marriage these days. Staying together takes work and commitment.

    • old albion profile image
      Author

      Graham Lee 4 years ago from Lancashire. England.

      Hi Bill. Thanks for your visit your always welcome. Yes, people give up on problems all to soon these days.

      Graham.

    • bac2basics profile image

      Anne 4 years ago from Spain

      Hi Graham.

      What sound advice and I have to agree with you, talking things through is essential, and do it before irritating things become huge big issues. I also agree on if one partner has been unfaithful, you only have 2 choices there and it´s either forgive or don´t.

      I also think that divorce is sometimes necessary, you and I both know the old saying, " You don´t really know someone until you live with them" well sometimes the person you thought you knew isn´t the one you marry and there are instances where divorce is not only necessary but vital. Reading Tara´s comments above it´s also less painful at times for the kids of warring parents to make the break than stay together and wreck their young lives.

    • old albion profile image
      Author

      Graham Lee 4 years ago from Lancashire. England.

      High Annie. Thank you for your welcome visit and comments. How are you I hope all is well. Today it is yet another freezing day in England, it does not seem to end. We are off to Majorca in May, it will not be summer there yet but it will be a lot warmer than we are at the moment. Enjoy the sun. Thanks again.

      Graham.

    • profile image

      rabergeronjr 4 years ago from Washington D.C. Metro Area

      Hello Graham,

      I remember my parents getting divorced after about 18 years of marriage. If there is one thing I know it's that every problem has an origin. My parents tried to work out their differences for years. It wasn't till a few months ago that I learned alot about what was going on when I was a kid too. Also, I want to point out that if the couple has kids that they aren't stupid and that eventually they will catch on to what is going on as well. When simple patterns change and you are around those people all the time, you will know something is up. I agree with you the compomise parrt, you have to give a little to get a little in this world. So people just have to stop being greedy. So you are getting a thumbs up from me.

    • old albion profile image
      Author

      Graham Lee 4 years ago from Lancashire. England.

      Hello Ron. Thank you for your welcome visit and extensive comments. Thanks for the thumbs up as well. Yes the kids do suffer in many ways, many say that kids are adaptable to change but I am sure things would be better, if a loving and settled life were possible.

      Graham.

    • Eiddwen profile image

      Eiddwen 4 years ago from Wales

      A great hu Graham with some great points. Here's hoping many will benefit from your advice.

      Enjoy your day and I vote this up.

      eddy.

    • aethelthryth profile image

      aethelthryth 4 years ago from American Southwest

      Thank you for writing this. Not only the kids suffer, but even the kids' friends suffer, worrying if it will happen to their parents too. Also, in my family, there are still some repercussions from a divorce three generations ago.

    • travmaj profile image

      travmaj 4 years ago from australia

      Very sound advice and I hope it will prove beneficial to many. Certainly divorce can impact on families in negative ways. Sometimes, it's the only option. Recently, talking to a young girl about to have her 'debutante' night and spending so much on dress,etc I remarked it was as' expensive as a wedding.' Her reply floored me 'you only get to be a deb once, you can get married lots of times.' I have no idea if this is a one off response but I hope so. although when you think about it celebrity role models are not encouraging. I'm firmly with you on this one.

    • always exploring profile image

      Ruby Jean Fuller 4 years ago from Southern Illinois

      Very good advice Graham, too late for me, but i am sure it will help others who are pondering this move. Thank you..

    • Angela Blair profile image

      Angela Blair 4 years ago from Central Texas

      I didn't realize how bad things were today until a friend's daughter (who was planning her wedding at the time) advised me she was marrying her "starter husband." Lord, help us all. I'm one of the "couldn't make marriage work" group -- three times no less. Gave all that up about 20 years ago, have a significant other whom I won't marry as I just don't seem to be good marriage material. Excellent Hub with profound advice. Best/Sis

    • Mhatter99 profile image

      Martin Kloess 4 years ago from San Francisco

      Thank you for this. I can't speak for anyone but me. That promise I made on a bible before God...

    • old albion profile image
      Author

      Graham Lee 4 years ago from Lancashire. England.

      Good morning Eddy. I hope you are not snowed in. We have booked a cabin in Snowdonia for Easter, but have decided not to go. Glad you liked the hub, thank you for the votes.

      Graham.

    • old albion profile image
      Author

      Graham Lee 4 years ago from Lancashire. England.

      Hi aethelthryth. Thank you for yor welcome visit and comments. They time is a great healer but not always I'm afraid.

      Graham.

    • old albion profile image
      Author

      Graham Lee 4 years ago from Lancashire. England.

      Hi maj. It is incredible what we here today from the younger people. Everything seems 'throw away' Thank you for your valued visit and comments.

      Graham.

    • old albion profile image
      Author

      Graham Lee 4 years ago from Lancashire. England.

      Hi Ruby. Sorry I was to late for you, 'tis life I'm afraid. lol. Thank you for your valued visit.

      Graham.

    • old albion profile image
      Author

      Graham Lee 4 years ago from Lancashire. England.

      Hi Sis. How are things in TEXAS. Thank you for your visit and comments. I'ts amazing what we here today is it not. I'm sure you will both ride on into the sunset together.

      Graham.

    • old albion profile image
      Author

      Graham Lee 4 years ago from Lancashire. England.

      Hi Martin. A short and telling comment from you today. I'm proud to know you.

      Graham.

    • bac2basics profile image

      Anne 4 years ago from Spain

      Hi Graham. I know how bad it is in the UK, I get reports from all over about freezing temperatures and snow, and yes it is dragging on.

      We have had gale force winds for what feels like forever here in valencia since Christmas, it really is beyond a joke now. I just walked round the side of my house and it´s enough to knock you over.

      However May is usually a really lovely month and my garden always looks it´s best then, so your trip to Majorca should be very enjoyable and a real treat after such a long hard winter. Have a great time xx

    • old albion profile image
      Author

      Graham Lee 4 years ago from Lancashire. England.

      Hi Annie. Thanks for your visit. All the Easter weekend is forecast to be sunny. It is to remain cold but today Saturday is the second day of beautiful blue skies. Yes, Majorca is calling loudly today.

      I hope the winds leave you in peace soon.

      Best wishes.

      Graham.

    • rajan jolly profile image

      Rajan Singh Jolly 4 years ago from From Mumbai, presently in Jalandhar,INDIA.

      Very fine advice here Graham. It does take a lot to make the marriage work but then all good things do take an effort.

      Voted up and interesting.

    • old albion profile image
      Author

      Graham Lee 4 years ago from Lancashire. England.

      Hi rajan. thank you for your visit. I am glad you found it of interesting. Thank you for the vote.

      Graham.

    • athulnair profile image

      athulnair 4 years ago from India

      I believe ego is also a factor in divorce. Our ego will not allow as to admit our mistakes and speak openly.

    • old albion profile image
      Author

      Graham Lee 4 years ago from Lancashire. England.

      Hi athulnair. Thank you for your visit and comments. You make a valid point. I agree with you.

      Graham.

    • Lord De Cross profile image

      Joseph De Cross 4 years ago

      Interesting, insightful and straight to the matter. Sometimes reality is much unbearable than theory. Divorces abound more than ever. Powerful message Graham!

    • old albion profile image
      Author

      Graham Lee 4 years ago from Lancashire. England.

      Hi Joseph. Thank you for your visit and valued comments. Life can be so difficult at times as we all know.

      Graham.

    • tammyswallow profile image

      Tammy 4 years ago from North Carolina

      Excellent heartfelt thoughts. You really get to the core of the problem. Well written!

    • old albion profile image
      Author

      Graham Lee 4 years ago from Lancashire. England.

      Hi tammy. Thank you for your visit and kind comments.

      Graham.

    • newjerusalem profile image

      victor 4 years ago from India

      Thought provoking

    • old albion profile image
      Author

      Graham Lee 4 years ago from Lancashire. England.

      Thank you for your visit and comments.

      Graham.

    • Dr Nancy Kenyon profile image

      Nancy Kenyon 4 years ago from Orlando, FL

      Sometimes , one discovers the reasons for the marriage were incorrect in Gods wisdom and continuing this road only postpones all involved to find TRUTH.

      Listen carefully, sometimes HE whispers.

      God be with you.

      As I pray,

      t

    • old albion profile image
      Author

      Graham Lee 4 years ago from Lancashire. England.

      Hello Dr Nancy. Thank you so much for your visit, your comments and blessing. I do appreciate them.

      Graham.

    • Lady_E profile image

      Elena 3 years ago from London, UK

      Very useful. Divorce rates are on the increase.

    • old albion profile image
      Author

      Graham Lee 3 years ago from Lancashire. England.

      Hi Elena. Thank you for your valued visit and comment.

      Graham.

    • tammyswallow profile image

      Tammy 2 years ago from North Carolina

      These are some great thoughts in a time where human beings are disposable. Great hub!

    • old albion profile image
      Author

      Graham Lee 2 years ago from Lancashire. England.

      Hi Tammy. Thanks for your welcome visit. Yes life can so difficult for so many of us. We simply have to do our best as we see it.

      Graham.

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