Divorced Men’s Guide to Sustaining a Relationship With A New Partner
I recently wrote an article titled “Seven Reasons Why You Shouldn't Date a Divorced Man.” After an enormous response from a lot of readers, I then reciprocated with another article titled “Seven Reasons Why You Shouldn't Date a Divorced Woman." If you haven’t read them, go ahead and click here.
I did not realize how much this topic would open such a large debate. One respondent, who happened to be a divorced man with children, sent me a very long email telling me how much my article has destroyed his chances of ever finding love again. So that got me thinking real hard and I came up with a solution of how I can help divorced men maintain their new relationship.
Let’s face it. If your single and are in your thirties or older, it’s virtually impossible to find someone who is 100 percent single (never married, no kids, no divorce) in that age range. So you’re left with dating people who have baggage which you just don’t want or need. But, due to desperation and not wanting to be a social outcast, most of us succumb to what’s left and try our hand at dating people with pasts that just won’t go away.
If you’re divorced and have children then you also have this dilemma of finding someone suitable that will be able to adjust to your status. If you’re lucky enough to find such a person then it’s important that you do what it takes to keep the relationship alive and long lasting. Most divorced men in relationships fail to recognize these symptoms and by the time they figure it out it’s too late. So, if you’re a divorced guy with children, follow these procedures to avoid your relationship taking a big crash and ending abruptly.
Should Divorced Men Really Do The Dating Thing?
Don’t build a barrier – That’s the biggest mistake most divorced men make. They build a barrier between the new woman and the children. The new woman is not allowed to mother them. She’s not allowed to discipline them. She’s basically not allowed to do anything with them for fear of causing resentment and hatred. This is just not right! Do not tell your new woman how to be around your children. Let her character synch in with theirs. Unless she’s an unpleasant person around your kids, do not tell her how to communicate with the kids. Let her deal with this in her own way. Give her some room to discipline them. She may not be their biological mom, but she deserves to be respected and looked upon as an adult who these kids should look up to, trust, respect and obey.
Speak with your children – Let them know and understand her significance and importance in your life. Tell them to not feel threatened that they will lose you just because she’s around a lot. Insist that they listen to her, obey her and treat her just as they would their mother. Explain to them that even though she is not their biological mother but she is the love of your life now and she must be respected and loved. Do this regularly and if at any point your children are rude and arrogant towards her, don’t just sit there and do nothing. Stand up for her too and put your authority as the head of the home to good use. Scold them (not harshly, but lovingly) and put your foot down and demand that they respect her. Do not succumb to feeling like a tyrant and do not let their little faces trick you into thinking you’ve made them feel bad. Kids need discipline and without it they become yahoos. You do that and she will feel loved, appreciated and secure and she won’t go eyeballing some other guy.
DID YOU KNOW?
Children of divorced parents are more likely to bond with their mother's new male partner than their father's female new partner? It's all to do with biology since males are the dominant species and have a fear factor than females who have more of a nurturing factor.
Do not hide your affection – This is the most common complaint that women who date divorced men with children have. The fact that you are not affectionate towards the new woman when the kids are around just shows that you are not ready to fully induct this woman into your life. Personally, I think it’s stupid; it’s silly and plain idiotic. Yes you fear that your children will feel neglected and unloved but this shouldn’t happen if you talk with them regularily!! If your children understand and accept her as the new woman in your life then this shouldn’t be a problem. Show affection to them and to her when you all together. When both parties see that you are doing your best to balance things then feelings of resentment and neglect simply don’t have any room. Practice the art of balancing your love between your kids and your new partner. If you cannot do that, then don’t date because every date will surely end in failure.
Do not allow the ex to ruin your present life – Believe it or not, but the mother of your children has more influence on them than you do. Now that you’re divorced, there’s a good chance their mother does not want this new woman to influence your kids in any way. As a woman I can tell you that we always want to know what is going on and their mother will expect updates of what your new partner is all about. So whatever their mother says goes. This is where you come in. You need to build your influence level too. Make sure that whatever their mother tells them should be told to you too. Then and only them will you be able to combat any destruction that your ex wants to throw at you. Divorced women are always bitter women even if they act as though they’re not. Even if they have a new partner, it still bums them out that they failed with you regardless of how your relationship ended. Let your relationship with your ex just be about the kids and keep her as far away as possible from your new life.
Include her in your social circles – This is also another headache that befalls women who date divorced men. They tend not to include you in their social circles, namely because their social circles consists of the friends you had before you got divorced. Yes, you’ll take her to one or two dinner functions but that’s it. You just can’t be bothered in trying to convince your friends that she’s the new one. You always just want to socialise with her alone most of the time which can get stale and boring. Worse off you avoid family gatherings for fear of being bombarded with questions and feeling of them rejecting her. Be outgoing, be fun, be spontaneous. Let the world know you have a new wonderful woman and don’t hide anything or care what people say or think.
Pay attention to her!! - Now this is the most important bit. Put aside time just for her. Pay attention to her desires and her needs. She needs your support desperately so don’t neglect her. Don’t let her feel that your kids are more important to you than her. Yes, your kids come first but be diplomatic. Don’t just be a puppy when your kids are around and you attend to their every need and forget she exists. When the kids are not there, pay full attention to her. Throw away your Smartphone and your work and whatever it is that distracts you from paying attention to her. Forget you have children when they’re not there and be the man she desires you to be.
In conclusion, it’s not easy for either of you to be in a relationship that’s founded upon a former broken relationship. As the divorced man, you must be able to balance your love and your life when it comes to kids and the new woman in your life because that is the only major problem in most after divorce relationships. Of course the other usual suspects of relationship troubles arise but those are nothing compared to having kids being in the middle of your relationship. If you can master the art of being peacemaker, leader and true head of the household them you’ve got a chance of success. But if you are not able to balance your life with a new woman and kids that don’t belong to her, then there is certainly no future for you two. So, remember, if your going to date after a divorce, be sure you can handle that and also be certain that the woman is able to love and respect your children.