- Gender and Relationships
Do I Look Fat?
Does this make me look fat?
Alrighty, so maybe this is a dangerous discussion to broach, but I live dangerously....
People are neurotic about their weight, whether they think they are or not, or think they are too fat or too tiny, whatever. A person's weight is not something you can really tamper with. If your partner is heavier than you would like, do NOT think that you will be able to get them to lose it later. Simply don't date them. If you date them all you will succeed in doing is making them feel 'not good enough', and don't we each already have enough of that rolling around in our heads? Please be more kind than that. You are in a relationship to give what you can give, and so are they, this is not about what each of you will GET. Let's just start with someone with a little chub. I am one of those people. My arms look fairly thin, my legs look pretty good, but I gain my weight on my belly, and so it looks like I am slightly pregnant (no joke, someone even asked me when my baby is due. doh.). If you were dating me, and you knew I wanted to lose weight, what would be healthy and positive ways to encourage me to lose it, or keep it off once I lost it? Let's see... the most important thing, is if I DO lose some weight NOTICE. "Wow, honey, you are just looking better and better every day!" "Those pants look really good on you!" "Your stomach looks SOOOO FLAT! What have you been doing! It is wonderful to see you looking so confident!" I have lost weight in a relationship and my boyfriend barely noticed, but when I gained it back he sure did. I would have stayed more motivated if I had gotten a really strong positive response from him. If something doesn't get better, or have something to show for our work, then why should we keep putting in the effort? It needs to make a difference, or we won't do it, if we lose weight and still FEEL fat, why not just stay fat? No one wants to feel as though they are wasting their time.
What NOT TO DO: Do NOT ever comment on what they are eating. There is no way you can go about making a commentary of their food without sticking your foot in it. Not only do you not know what will make them gain or lose weight (because we are each different, and I mean 'NO' it isn't the same formula for every person). They will eat what they want or what makes them happy, and if you try to change that, then you will be in the doghouse. Do not say 'should you be eating that?' Do not say 'isn't that fattening?' Do not say 'you have been eating alot of that this week.' Do not say they have gained some weight, or size.
If they asks if they looks fat, please don't fall for it. We, as humans often ask questions that are not exactly what we mean to ask. We are really not trying to have you shoot us down and feel like crap, so please don't do it. Do not tell them something makes them look fat (instead say "I prefer the blue dress/outfit/pants, can you wear that instead?"). Realize that your words will have a long lasting and profound affect. So you might wish you could say that that dress 'always' makes you look fat, but instead try something like 'I don't think it makes you look fat, but I do think that it hides some of the qualities about your shape that I like the most, and so I have never particularly liked that dress'... but be prepared to tell which parts are the ones you like the most:)
If you really want to help your partner to exercise more you can say something like "I was thinking of getting you a gym membership for your birthday/christmas/etc. but I didn't know if that is something you might be interested in? Would you?" and see what they say. If they says 'why? do you think I need it?" don't be a dumbass by answering yes. Instead respond with something like "I think everyone needs a place to hang out, get out their aggression, and learn to relax/de-stress/pamper themselves. I want you to spoil yourself. I think you deserve that." It needs to be about what will help them in their life, and to get what they wants, not about YOU getting what YOU want. Also, if your partner starts to lose weight and you want them to lose more... you can say wonderful things like "wow, if you keep losing weight like this I will have to buy you a new wardrobe!" and "you keep looking younger and younger! I think what you are doing is really working for you!" Please keep in mind that even people who can handle the truth, don't want to be beaten with it. We all need hope and inspiration in our lives, and NOT to feel like we are failing. So even if someone asks if you think they are fat, please do not say yes. You can easily say things like 'if you feel you need to lose some weight then I encourage you to do what will make you the happiest', or 'I can tell you look a little different, but I can't tell what it is that has changed... you still look amazing to me', or 'as long as you are happy with yourself then you will always look good to me.' One last thing... if you are more over-weight than your partner and they are asking if you think they are fat... if you think the answer is yes, then why aren't you working on you? You need to remember that you need to live the results you want to see elsewhere in your life. If you work really hard to get in shape, your partner will want to do it too. And you can make it time you spend together, if you go about it right. We each need to be our own critics, and not let ourselves off the hook as far as our health is concerned. So don't give any advice/input that you aren't actively doing yourself. I hope this helps:)