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Do You Hair Me Now?

Updated on September 27, 2017

This is a bit embarrassing but I feel it needs to be said. I was a bald man, yes I’ll admit it. Not totally bald but just enough to be self conscious about it. I was so self conscious that I went and bought a wig or as the French call it, a toupee. But before I plopped down close to a thousand bucks to appease my vanity, I tried a host of hair loss remedies. You name it and I rubbed it in, shampooed it on, or drank it up. Not even a sprout did I notice, nada, zilch. Of course having hair to me is essential to meeting a nice woman or even a not so nice woman. Every weekend I would head on out to a local dance or social gathering knowing full well that the large bald spot in the middle of my head was making women nauseous. Something had to be done, hence the toupee.

When I got the toupee home and opened up the box that it came in it looked like a gopher had crawled in there and croaked. The toupee looked much better when I tried it on in the hair salon. I took it out of the box, went to the mirror and placed it on my almost naked head; of course it was on sideways so I adjusted it and the guy looking back at me had a big smile on his face, yes it was perfect. This promised to open up a whole new world for me. There was something else in the box, a small tube of glue specially made for holding the wig on my head, not just my head, but all who feel the need for coverage.

My first attempt at walking outside with the semi hat on my head didn’t go well. While at an open air car show and talking to a nice looking woman about her antique Jaguar the toupee did a hand stand on my head. A gust of wind picked the front of the hair piece up and it began to wave at the woman vigorously. She pretended not to notice as I quickly bent down to tie my shoe. Our conversation abruptly ended and she was history. Live and learn; more glue. After a few days of experimentation with my new hairpiece I noticed four red spots along the outer perimeter of my head. The spots corresponded exactly with where I placed the glue each time I wore the toupee. Now what?

Bewildered, I looked on the internet for a solution to my new problem. I came across a man with the exact same dilemma; he had an answer, an unusual answer to say the least. He said, place a dab of semen in place of the glue, it works just as well and it’s natural. It’s also a lot more enjoyable to collect than squeezing a tube. It worked just as the man had promised it would. I couldn’t wait to attend my first dance with my new persona. What the man never mentioned was that sperm isn’t very stable. While dancing with someone I considered very special I felt a slight movement somewhere near my eyebrows. It seems that from my rigorous dancing the hairpiece had become dislodged due to sweat underneath it, and slid to where my eyebrows were now actually holding it up. Thankfully the young lady I was dancing with was too involved with herself to notice my predicament.

I shoved the rug back in place, excused myself and scurried off to the men’s room. I’m a man who is always prepared for emergency’s, and folded up inside my sport jacket pocket I had my trusty baseball cap. I returned to the dance floor and saw the same woman standing at the bar. She said, “What’s with the hat, never saw a man wear a sports jacket with a baseball cap before” My mouth just opened but nothing came out. She turned and began talking to the hairy guy next to her. There is a happy ending to this lame story. Over the months ahead I kept using the semen mainly because it worked as long as I stayed off the dance floor. Unbelievably at the end of a four month period I noticed new hair sprouting up exactly where I added the semen. It has been three years now and of course over those years I continually spread the sperm over my entire scalp. Yes you guessed it, my hair is back. No more bald spot. The moral of this story is, don’t believe everything you read.

© 2017 Leesleez

All comments appreciated.

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    • profile image

      Jody from Boardwalk 3 months ago

      The new product could be called Come Hair. Get it?

    • profile image

      Jody from Boardwalk 3 months ago

      I don't think this is exactly what they meant by "spread your seed", but if it helps grow hair, then maybe they could throw some preservatives in it and bottle it.

    • Leesleez profile image

      Leesleez 3 months ago from New York

      Thank you all for your incisive comments, and Rich you are right, that walk did inspire me. I'm sure there are many other uses for semen. maybe even as you suggest, as a hand cream.

    • profile image

      Rich M. 3 months ago

      It's funny how during last weeks Meetup walk you mentioned reading an article on the internet that pointed out that semen helps hair grow. I must assume that article inspired you to write your latest masterpiece. I was thinking that another title for you short story could be "Beauty is in the hand of the holder."

    • profile image

      Jody from Boardwalk 3 months ago

      Dear Lee, thanks for the link to your short stories. This was a great story. I am looking forward to reading your others.

    • profile image

      Member no. 2012 3 months ago

      Interesting ! However I'd like to believe that it does work!

      You might have to add a few ingredients to it - like epoxy !

    • Glenn Stok profile image

      Glenn Stok 3 months ago from Long Island, NY

      Lee, welcome back to HubPages. I see you haven't lost your sense of humor. And I know you didn't lose your hair either. But it looks like you did learn how to grow it.