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Does He Love Me? Does She Love Me? - How to Tell

Updated on April 27, 2013

Do You Love Me? Well, do you? We have heard this said before and it's strange sometimes that we even have to ask.

If you find yourself in a relationship that you are unsure of how your partner feels about you, you may find yourself asking this question more than you like to.

In this article we are going to discuss how to tell if he or she loves you by helping you understand the difference between love and lust.

Is It Love or Lust?

How do you know if he/she really loves you? Here are some things you need to know about love and lust to help you decide for yourself.

Love and lust are both strong feelings that people have for one another. They both feel the same. They are so close to feeling the same that they are often mistaken for one another. However, there are major differences between the two. The differences are often seen by ones actions and the things they say.

Lust is where every relationship starts. You see someone, you think their attractive, you like them a lot, you have an extreme emotional desire for them. You don't know them well enough to love them. Even though it may feel like love, its lust.

I know sometimes people say the word lust and it just sounds horrible. You think of a dog with their tongue hanging out drooling. Sometimes this is the case, but lust is just a strong yearning desire.. just like love. However, Lust is not committed to you. Lust in the beginning stages of a relationship seems to be great and at times a lot of fun. Lust just doesn't have all the bells and whistles that love has.

Lusts turns into Love. Love is bigger, it's stronger and it last a whole lot longer. As you get to know a person ,spend time with them, help them, and involve yourself in that persons life you begin to move from lust into a better situation called love. .

Let's Take a Look at a Relationship that is of Lust and One that is of Love

Lust will do all the things that love does. It will wine and dine you. It will tell you it loves you and they want to marry you. However, when comes time to proving what they are saying it's a totally different attitude that you get.

Lust will speak in terms of "me" and "mine". Lust will most of the time not inconvenience itself for you. Lust will use arguments between the 2 of you as a time to venture off into seeing other people. Lust is driven off sex not you. Lust will most of the time put your feelings 2nd.

Lust knows nothing about you. It doesn't know your favorite color, the kind of music you like, what size clothes you wear. It doesn't know what makes you laugh and what makes you cry. Lust usually has more than 1 relationship going at the same time. Lust does not last through the tough times. It probably has almost never met your family. And to top it off , lust will almost never concern itself with these things.

These lustful characteristics will play a significant role in how he/she treats you later in the relationship, more on this in a moment.

Love, on the other hand, is a strong desire just like lust. But it comes with a bigger and truly unbelievable better package. It too will wine and dine you, tell you it wants to marry you. When it comes time to proving what they are saying , it can prove it and so much more.

Love will speak in terms of "us" and "ours". Love will use an argument between the 2 of you as a time to get an understanding of whats going wrong and try to fix it. Love knows your favorite color, your clothing size ,what makes you laugh and what makes you cry. Love has no other relationships. Love is driven off you and not sex. Love will last through the tough times. Love will always concern itself with these things.

The problem often comes when a person never comes out of the lust stage. Lust that does not turn into love will begin to become problematic as the newness of the relationship dies down. All the things they were doing to try to get you to "go out with them" seems to go away. You'll find a person that only has lust for you, will make you feel since they "got what they want" they are satisfied and no longer need to put their best forward. A lustful person, because they are not committed to you becomes mean, disrespectful, and uncaring without caring if it hurts you or not.

When someone has began to love you, however, they go from being just someone you are dating to someone who genuinely cares for you and your feelings. You can feel that they want more and they want to be more to you. They make a conscious effort to show you they love you and want to be with you by continuing to give you their best even after the newness of the relationship has died down.

These are the things you need to think about when asking yourself "Does He/She Love Me?"

In the next section, we will discuss how you can spot someone who may only be looking for a lustful relationship and someone who is looking for love before you dive into a relationship with them.

Nip It in the Bud

When you are dating someone. Be sure to listen to what's being said, asked and done. Are they asking any questions about you? What you like? What you dislike? Are they asking about your parents? Where you're from.. etc. A person that is trying to piece you apart is more than likely, genuinely, trying to get to know you for the purposes of one day loving you.

Also, take a close look at how that persons lives. Does this person appear sneaky, deceptive, or too good to be true? Does this persons actions match what they are saying?

If you're going on dates with someone and they are never asking any questions about you, you need to put up a red flag. If the conversations are about the latest ball game, news, hair style, great places to hang out and sex all the time. You should start to wonder.

If at times this person comes up "missing" and can only call you at certain times, I'd say there might be an issue. If they tell you, they love you... but you can't tell that they do, there might be a potential problem. If their temper gets hot when you try to explain yourself .....and this goes on and on for every date ... These are the clear signs of someone that may be problematic to you.

A lot of times relationships fail on the first dates because neither one or both involved took the time to find out about each other. To make matters worse, they end up sexually involved and BAM.... they're in a relationship and no one knows squat about the other.

People that have casually slipped into a relationship in this manner really don't know who they're dealing with. When all the excitement has died down, it's then they find out what kind of person the other is. Sometimes, it's not what they expected.

If you are trying to find love, pay close attention to whats going on during the dating stages. To help better your chances of getting into a loving relationship it's important you understand the difference between love and lust as covered in this article.

Off to a Good Start

To get off to a good start with finding true love, be mindful of what is going on during the first dates. On the first dates when a person is looking to have a loving relationship with you, they're asking all kinds of questions about you ,your family and anything they can think of to get a feel for you. If you are feeling the same you should be asking similar questions too. You're essentially looking to find out if this person is a good candidate for you.

Also, when a person is seriously considering getting to know you for the purpose of loving you, their actions will tell you just that. Their words matches their actions. There is no mystery to them, they are not trying to hurt you or deceive you in any way. You feel loved.

As you go about the relationship, the 2 of you will be excited to learn all you can about the other. You will see the two of you growing together and not apart. Your needs and feelings will be 1st in each other lives.

This is not to say it will always be easy. Problems will arise for sure. But the key will be how the two of you get through it. Love will always look to fix whats wrong and be sympathetic to your needs so it can get back to happiness. Love does not want to quickly end the relationship as a fix. It will do what ever it can to make things better first and foremost.

Use the tips found in this article to help you answer the question "Does He/She Love Me?"

There's so much more you can learn about love and lust by visiting How Do I Know If He Loves Me . You can also get all kinds of Relationship Advice on all kinds of love topics too.


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    • profile image


      6 years ago

      I don't want to fall in love with girl

    • 100ktrainer profile imageAUTHOR


      8 years ago from Michigan

      @tillymaddie ...Well he was honest with you by telling you he was still ****up over his last relationship. 3 months is not a long time to really develop a strong emotional attachment to someone. So this is why he is not ready. He's possibly, in a sense, leaving the door open for his Ex to come back or even still trying to get her back and does not want to commit to anyone as that would close the door on his ex.

      Since you know what it's like just after a break up, then you know what he's going through as you mentioned. You will need to be very patient, yet keep your eyes wide open. Be smart about it. You know when something doesn't seem right or he's just to into his ex way more than the norm.

      To avoid being terribly hurt, don't let this go on too long. At some point, if he's still hung up over his ex and still not wanting to commit to you, you may need to tell him the two of you should cool it off until he's over his Ex and she's out his life. Sometimes you have to let him know your are serious and you mean business. If you don't men will have the tendency to keep doing what they been doing as obviously you are not going anywhere.

      Right now, maybe he's not using you for sex per say. But a matter of convenience and a "have your cake and eat it too" type deal. I'm assuming he does like you. Truth of the matter is he still going through the break up cycle and shouldn't be with anyone. He can't give his heart to someone else until he gets his ex out his system. And that 's how you should want him to come to you...over and done with his ex.

      Really you can't get around being hurt in some way because your feelings are already involved. Just don't let your self get seriously hurt to the point you are low and depressed. Any moves you make will need to be done soon while you still have your head above water.

      Give it a little bit of time, read the signs then act quickly on what you know in your heart to be true. Don't make excuses to stay in a relationship to try to compete with his ex for his love and attention. If you feel in your heart things are not right, If you see things are not right, You may want to cool it off with him until his heart is available to love only you.

    • profile image


      8 years ago

      I have been dating a guy for 3 months but its complicated……. He split with his ex 10months ago and whilst he says he is ready to date and ready to meet someone, he does not want a serious relationship just yet as he is still hurt and ****** up over his last relationship. He was with her for 7 years on and off and engaged for the last year of their relationship….. despite this, he says that they were in separate beds for a year and it was over long before they officially split….. they have a house together and he is waiting for her to buy him out but this has not happened yet and he doesn’t know when it will.

      My last relationship was 2 years ago and I never thought I would ever want to meet someone new coz I was deeply inlove with my ex who I went out with for 6 and a half years….

      I had plenty of friends with benefits and was always honest with the guys in that it was just a bit of fun and that I was not looking for a relationship…. Meeting this guy has changed my mind and i realise that whilst my last ex was perfect for me at the time, we weren’t meant to be….. so he has opened my heart and mind and I honestly never thought this possible….

      Some friends have suggested that if after 3 months he is still saying that he doesn’t want a serious relationship that it is just an excuse and is just using me for sex and for company.

      I don’t want to pressurize him coz I remember how I was 10months after my relationship except that he is dating to find someone as a possible future partner, whereas I was just shagging around for fun and coz I needed sex.

      I dont know if I should patiently wait for him to catch up or move on, to prevent myself getting hurt?

      I really really like him and the more I see him and spend time with him, the more I feel myself falling for him….. I don’t think I want a relationship with him for another few months coz I’d want to be as sure as I can be but do you think I am flogging a dead horse and that he is using me just for sex??

    • 100ktrainer profile imageAUTHOR


      9 years ago from Michigan

      @Adams Hey Don't cry.. if this is your first girlfriend it may be a little hard to deal with the ups and downs.

      I'm not sure how old you are but you are going to date a few more girls before you actually find the one that's for you. This is the process of finding real love. Not every girl you meet is going to be Mrs. Right.

      Maybe you "loved" her because she was your first and you've been infatuated by her since 2008. This does not equate to love at this point. You have a strong yearning desire for her which could be lust.

      I don't think you've gotten to be with her long enough in a relationship to really call it love yet. Then too she doesn't trust you and she broke up with you for no reason.

      It may be lust right know and that's not a bad thing. Lust turns into Love. We've all had the first relationship blues that you are going through. But trust me when I say there will be a 2nd, a 3rd, a 4th and so on.

      Anyway's you want girl that loves you for you and willing to be with you without hurting you. When you find that girl.. You'll Know It's Really Love.

      Be strong!

    • 100ktrainer profile imageAUTHOR


      9 years ago from Michigan

      @momo2110 If you really believe it's love then know that your relationship can last through marriage. However, you will need to work on your relationship daily. Don't be afraid of counseling, reading self-help books together and taking a day out the month to really sit and talk to one another about what's going right and what's going wrong. Then together working to make things better for the two of you. Communication will be your biggest marriage saver.

      Great relationships are worked on daily. If you and your fiance love each other and want to be together then working on your marriage will be something you add to your routine... And never stop dating, keep the spark alive.

      No relationship is easy, but love will always pull you through.

    • profile image


      9 years ago

      Hey..Am Adams..Well having waiting long time to date this girl since 2008 when we in college but she really dislike me because i dress up cool but later on 2011 she final accept i really love her alot and when she first tell me shes not dating me again i cry alot but she tell me she want to date me again i do care about her and i try to make her happy and shes my first girlfriend i use to tell her all the time but she dont trust me am a shy person i dont talk to girl alot but she alway think i does but i alway tell her how i feel but think am playing her whenever she call me when she boring i will leave what am doing i will go there but am alway shy when i get to the place finally again she broke up with me without any reason and all her friend tell me everything i had for her it lust if feel confuse and i cry i dont know how i feel

    • profile image


      9 years ago

      This article in enlightening and a real eye opener. I am 22 and has been in a relationship with my fiance' for 8 1/2 years on and off, and we have a 4 year old child together. I was starting to think that maybe we were trying to find love in a lust-filled relationship. Reading this article made me realize that we do love each other, now the question is are we in love with each other, and will our love be strong enough to last trough marriage?

    • 100ktrainer profile imageAUTHOR


      9 years ago from Michigan

      @epigramman my pleasure! Your hubs are great as well!

    • epigramman profile image


      9 years ago

      ....well I will see you proudly on my Facebook page and a posting on my homepage and a direct link back here with this most remarkable presentation combined with your well thought out ideas and research - you obviously write with the confidence and skill of a world class journalist - please keep up the good work and thank you for visiting my humble little hubpage - coming from someone special like you really means a lot.

      lake erie time ontario canada 10:01pm had a fair amount of snow here last night and tonight it's very very cold

    • 100ktrainer profile imageAUTHOR


      10 years ago from Michigan

      You are so right Sarah Writes! Thanks for stopping by!

    • Sarah Writes profile image

      Sarah Writes 

      10 years ago from California

      Great hub! There is such a difference between love and lust, and at times it seems that people through the word love around like its nothing. When in actuality the more people you through the word at, the less it seems to mean. Take care!

    • 100ktrainer profile imageAUTHOR


      10 years ago from Michigan

      Thanks for stopping by Liberate! You are young and your journey to finding true love has just begun, Don't give up!

      Keep being yourself, someone will appreciate you for you. You'll know true love when it hits you in due time!

    • Liberate profile image


      10 years ago from Jesus Loves You

      Well, I'm 16, And I've Been Though Heart Breaks, I Believe Every Girl Is Beautiful, I Don't See A Girl, And Claim I Want To Sleep With Them, That's Sadistic, I Want To See Into A Girls Heart, Then I'll Truly Find Them Attractive, I Believe Everyone Deserves Love, Not Lust. What You Said, Described My Past Relationship Perfectly. She'll Say Anything, And She's Cheating on You At The Exact Second. Though I Do Believe There Are Some Good Girls Out There. I'd Give Them My Entire Heart And Soul, Just To Be Able To Love Someone, I Write About My Emotions, I Spend Hours And Hours Coming Up With Romantic Saying, I Don't Believe... I See Girls With Lust in My Eyes.

      At The End Of The Day, I Might Sound Like A Fantastic Person, Though Unfortunately, All My Relationships Have Had A Distance Issue; The Girls At My School, Refuse To Date Me Because I'm Too Nice, Which Breaks My Heart, I Don't Want To Change Who I Am!

      Though, Love Is Soo Rare, And I'll Die To Find It!

    • profile image


      12 years ago

      It's so true ! A guy jusk asked me do i love him. & I dont know what to say. Thanks Candace !


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