- Gender and Relationships
Rende-blues not Rendezvous
The Cheat Escape
What is the definition of cheating? According to a quick click on google the definition stated to act dishonestly or unfairly in order to gain an advantage. While thinking about how this definition relates to everyday life my attention was pulled to the middle of it. A very good friend of mine had a secret rendezvous with her back-up man that has been in her life for about a year. The reuniting of her and her ex boyfriend for nearly three years didn't prevent her from meeting the back-up man.
As she described to me the specifics of her meet and greet I couldn't help but wonder was she really cheating on her on again off again boyfriend. The fact is they were not married but sort of committed to one another. That's when the questioned was asked, can you really cheat if you are not married? I decided to ask this question to five men and women some strangers while others were friends and surprisingly people are so full of emotion that sometimes you can find out a lot about a person you don't know. The results were in from asking the question and three out of two men agreed while three out of two women disagreed.The men broke it down like this, if they didn't marry a woman after an extended period of time (varies by different men) chances are they were still shopping around. Hint* it is not necessarily considered cheating if they are not married to the woman.
The two men that did agree that it was considered cheating referenced that if the woman was good to them then they were good to her. On the other side of things when talking with the women that agreed it was cheating they said that if you are in love then there is no need to cheat. Is this a realistic statement to make that if you are in love that prevents you from cheating? The other two women that were on the other side of the fence gave an interesting prospective. If you can't see a life with the person you are in a relationship with then why are you with them.
To some degree that made sense, why be with someone if you don't see a future with them. People get involved with one another for all kinds of reason such as he/she is attractive, he/she is a good person, etc... When I took the question of not being with someone you don't see a future with to the men they agreed 100%. Was this the main reason why single people cheat on one another? So back to my dear friend and why she "Cheated." She felt like she wasn't getting enough passion from her boyfriend and the only time he showed her some initiative is when she threatens to leave him. Understanding that people do what they want to do is the first step to realizing where exactly your relationship is with your partner.
Regardless if someone isn't fulfilling what you would consider to be common sense expectations that doesn't give you the right to cheat. Another way of looking at it is life's too short so why waste time by tying yourself down to a person that you are not with whole-heartedly. At the end of the day your relationship is what you and your partner make it. To put it into prospective a lot of people are lonely, desperate, or just settling. This particular friend that I am talking with I think she suffers from the syndrome, this is the best that I can get. It's not like the guy she is on again off again is bad he is just not for her. My friend had just brought this nice home and unfortunately when you have a nice home sometimes strays try to follow you there. What I mean is some people hold on to others because they appear to be moving in their lives. By hanging around they feel like they can benefit like a husband without actually being a husband.
This is what I got from this guy she had been dating because the minute he was living in a more peaceful home she surely didn't hear from him so much. I don't think I would ever understand why people think it takes other people to make them happy. You have to already have a love for yourself. I have been guilty of this myself but it is really too much to put that type of expectation on anyone. My friend acts like she can't stand him sometimes but when I ask her do you love him she can't answer the question. All grown people do what they want to do so I don't pry too much. But when she brings up what he isn't doing as far as being passionate enough or showing her affection when they go out it gets a little boring to hear. I guess the reason for me is because she can't answer that she loves him to where she is willing to work it out. Instead she just cheats with another man seeking attention.
So the question becomes is it him or is it her? He is a quiet man which bores her but compared to what she has had in the past the man is actually a step up from some and down from others. Like quite a few women she is looking for someone to excite her, communicate with her, make her laugh, be affectionate with her, the list goes on. Even though I am her friend sometimes I sympathize with the guy. Personally if you have so many demands on a person it can be a real buzz kill. Lets face it she just doesn't have any chemistry with him but he is not so bad so she keeps him around. Meanwhile he knows they have problems but he wants to try to work it out. I have told her more than once it isn't fair to her or him not knowing what you want to do because she is wasting time.
These are years we can never get back and to waste time with someone you are not completely in love with causes her boredom. In life you have to try when it is time and pull back when it is time. Even if you make a fool out of yourself to prove love sometimes can be overlooked as oppose to the alternative. Having the regret that you didn't try hard enough years later by letting a beautiful person slip through your fingers. Of course I am not perfect but I do know that if you are unsure about something take a step back from it and let the answer come to you.
Although cheating just like looks is in the eye of the beholder it is always nice to have an honest dialogue from time to time.