- Gender and Relationships
Does Getting Under Really Help You Get Over?
Is the magic answer to moving on from a relationship as simple as having safe sex with another person?
So often, after a break-up the advice that is given by friends is to have sex with someone else in order to emotionally get over the person who broke your heart. But, is this advice really the best suggestion? More importantly, does it work?
Women and men tend to deal with break-ups differently. Women will cry, eat lots of ice-cream, chocolate or junk food. We will drink lots of wine, watch a lot of Sex in the City marathons and/or chick-flicks to mend our broken hearts. It doesn't just stop there, we will also have numerous conversations —talking our girlfriends ears off, about the guy and the break-up, in order to get clarity, understanding and most of all support and comfort.
Men on the other hand, will dive into work and keep their emotions bottled up—rarely discussing the break-up with any formality or expression of caring. They usually will retreat into their man-hole—disconnecting from friends or family until they can emotionally face everyone in order to "act" like the break-up wasn't a big deal. Great.
Although there are a few men that will deal with a break-up similar to how most women do, most men will take an abbreviated moment to process the end of a relationship. Others may jump into their foolish solution for getting over a woman by sleeping with the next one who is ready and willing.
Although it can be easy for many guys to claim that the fast track to getting over a woman is by getting under or on top of another woman, but this may just be a quick fix and is completely different than actual results.
I know it's shocking and very hard to swallow, sex with another woman can potentially be the erasing factor to what you both had or what you meant to him. This is especially true if the relationship revolved around love. Ladies, don't get your panties in a bunch yet. Regardless of what you have heard, rebound sex is not the magic solution. In fact, it's more like a sloppy loose fitting Band-Aid that's ready to slip off the second something triggers a remembrance of you, or the break-up he experienced. Like I said, sex is a temporary fix and frankly, a way to show-off to his friends that he wasn't emotionally affected by the situation.
Since men have a tendency to separate sex from emotions—sex is just a way to keep him occupied so he doesn't have to deal with or feel his emotions. He will sleep with various women in order to hide the pain he is actually feeling from the failed relationship. Even if it doesn't make him feel good in the long run, it makes him feel good in the moment.
Why do men do this? Because most men have overly enlarged egos and a break-up—especially if the woman ended the relationship, leaves a huge mental bruise. Instead of showing feelings, admitting what he did wrong, or attempting to win her back, he would rather have a one night stand, in hopes to emotionally move on.
Sounds good in theory right? So eventually, if you continue to sleep around, you will be emotionally healed??? That sounds funny even typing it.
Yes, it can be heart-wrenching to imagine that having a one night stand is all it takes for a guy to emotionally move on from you, but believe me, it's not—it's an assumption which rarely, if ever, works. In actuality, it's only a temporary quick fix for his wounded ego, which includes an orgasm, a warm body, and a few minutes where his mind is distracted from thinking about YOU.
I once dated a guy whose philosophy was, "once a bus (woman) leaves, another bus (woman) is right around the corner." This guy didn't believe that there was any point in wasting time or heavyhearted emotions on any woman when there are so many women right around the corner. He even shared his "worldly wisdom" with his teenage son. When his son confided in him that he and his girlfriend broke up, he told his son not to waste time on girls in high school, instead he should, "hit it (have sex) and quit it (move on)." Seriously? If this poor advice is being passed down from generation to generation, no wonder guys view having sex as the best way to move on.
Believing a romp in the hay is the Holy Grail for mending a broken heart, is only setting yourself up for further emotional pain. There is a reason why, "time heals all wounds" instead of "rebounds heal all wounds."
If sex was the magical cure, wouldn't everybody jump (or should I say hump) on this bandwagon? Of course. And, it would be less of a mind f**k then having your memories of the person who broke your heart erased, like in the movie, "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." Unfortunately, it's not the cure since ending a relationship is not easy, nor is it supposed to be.
It doesn't matter who ends the relationship. If feelings were involved and love was felt—emotions will need to be healed. Believe me, I wish that getting under another guy was the magical cure-all to emotionally moving on. Even though men might believe this theory more than women, many women are guilty of trying this—including myself.
After a difficult break-up, I spent over a week doing all the emotional healing things that women do. When the tears finally stopped, and I was ready to face the world again, I went out on the town with a few girlfriends. I was not looking to hook-up with anyone—men where the last thing on my mind. I was enjoying much needed girl time. The thing about "not looking" is when you don't, that's when someone unexpectedly comes along. Before I knew it (and after a few cocktails) I was talking to a very attractive guy. He was intelligent, funny and sexy—you could see the outline of his torso muscles through his t-shirt. Jackpot!
Since I wasn't wanting a relationship, but wanted to not feel as though I was still emotionally attached to my ex, the thought of having a one night stand with this guy was more than appealing. Curiosity (and frankly, temptation) that he could possibly fulfill this mission was ultimately the deciding factor.
He was a fantastic kisser. His body was perfect. But, the connection I was hoping and wanting to feel—even for a moment, was lacking. I was not emotionally ready to be moving on—physically or mentally. The sex was good, however, it was just sex. It didn't erase the connection I still felt towards my ex. It didn't dissolve the pain that was still in my heart. It didn't make me think or get over my ex any quicker. It wasn't him or the lack of trying, it was me.
For sex to be great, there has to be an emotional connection. I was too emotionally disconnected to immerse my heart in the moment. I actually walked away feeling worse and honestly, missing my ex even more.
My experience made me realize that if sex with another person was the true cure-all, there would be no need for therapists, and alcohol as well as chocolate would go out of business. Frankly, everyone would be doing it—or should I say someone else. The reason why casual sex is not the answer is because it frequently does not work.
Even though most men claim that they can separate emotions from sex to get over a break-up—using fornication as their answer, it's uncommon for this to work with most women. In all honesty, most men are similar to women, even though they won't (or have a hard time) admitting it. Men will act like they can separate their feelings, but if they truly cared or loved the woman—sex won't erase their emotional pain that easily.
Ladies, if you're like me and getting under a guy in order to get over a guy doesn't work for you, that's OK, it's not meant for everyone. Know that the hurt you feel from a break-up will take time to heal. Be alright with this process and you will be stronger from the experience. And remember it's not always the "quickie fix" that is the "best" fix.
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