- Gender and Relationships
Does He Have Ex Emotional Residue?
Ex emotional residue means that there is still unresolved feelings...
There are many men who can be hard to emotionally connect with on a deeper level. Getting involved with a guy who still has Ex relationship residue can make that type of connection even harder to obtain. What can be extremely frustrating is when he tells you that he is emotionally ready to be in a relationship, but clearly his actions speak to the contrary.
As women, we can think that if adequate time has passed—months or possibly years—since the end of his relationship, he must be telling you the truth when he voices that he's over his Ex. Not always. If he hasn't acknowledged and dealt with his emotions then most likely there will be emotional residue. To know for sure, you would need to see how he reacts to situations and experiences regarding his Ex—for some men, it's just as simple as hearing his Exes name.
Break-ups for most people can be a very difficult process. If there was love, chemistry—emotional, spiritual, physical and mental—as well as mutual commonalities, all of these things can make the end of a relationship feel like a death has occurred.
Getting into a relationship isn't an easy processes for most people. It can be extremely hard to let someone into your life, know them on a deeper level, care for them, and trust them. When you finally do find that person and the relationship doesn't work out it can be devastating to the heart and mind. This can cause emotional residue—baggage—especially if the break-up was not mutual or occurred from betrayal.
As you know, most men have a difficult time communicating their emotions. It can be easier for many men to keep their emotions bottled up and never talk about them in order to try and move on from a heart-breaking experience. Yikes. However, this so-called "solution" can potentially make it harder for the next woman (and many others) who want to have a successful relationship with them because without "knowing" it, they have left little room in their hearts for a relationship to grow.
It's important to emotionally deal with all break-ups that occur in ones life, even the ones that seem inconsequential.
So often men will brush off a break-up as if it had little to no affect on them emotionally in order to prove to himself—but mostly his guy friends—that he is tough or macho and therefore "didn't really care." Great. By doing this he ends up not emotionally moving on from his Ex situation.
All wounds take time to heal...
If you convince yourself that you have not been emotionally scarred by an Ex—when you obviously have—you are keeping yourself in an emotional rut that can internally push other women away. Being emotionally scarred can occur when:
- She ends the relationship with no apparent reason to you
- She has cheated on you
- She lied to you about major things
- She has deceived you
- She is emotionally unstable
- She has used the kids against you
Getting involved with a man who has not fully gotten over his Ex can be like ridding a very bumpy roller-coaster—you're not sure what will trigger the Ex residue and if it comes out, how to deal with it. Let's be honest, when there is still Ex drama it can feel as though you are dating two people; him and the guy who was scarred by his Ex. Wonderful.
I dated a guy who was overall a wonderful guy, until anything that had to do with his Ex-wife would come up. This guy was married for many years with children but the marriage suddenly ended when he found out that his wife had not only cheated, she was also in a relationship with this other man. This was very devastating for him to say the least.
Who wouldn't be devastated? One moment (or so it seemed) he was in a (for the most part) happy family scenario and the next he was an unexpected divorced single dad with kids. His world was completely turned upside down.
When I first met this guy he had been divorced for over ten years—adequate time (you would think) that he wouldn't have negative reactions towards his Ex-wife. Wrong. If I brought up her name he would get extremely tense. If I asked questions about her he would get completely stressed out, giving me very short abrupt answers followed by telling me that he didn't want to talk about her. Really? It was clear that this guy was not emotionally over his Ex.
If anyone has the power—that you give them—to emotionally ruffle up your feathers by the very thought or mention of them, that is a huge sign of unresolved emotional residue.
Lucky for us, men don't hide this residue very well and if you are paying attention you can usually tell if he is still emotionally affected by his Ex.
Signs that he is still affected by his Ex:
- He will get upset when the subject of her comes up
- He talks about her a lot using the "b" word, "c" word or "w" word with a lot of "f" bombs
- Doesn't know how to tell her "No"
- If he hears from her there will be tension or anger
- She's able to still control him
- He doesn't stand up for himself around her
- He is uneasy in her presence
- He avoids talking about her
- He bickers with her a lot
- He compares what you do to his Ex
- There is an awkwardness when you are around both of them at the same time
When a guy has not emotionally gotten over his Ex how can he truly move forward in any relationship? He can't. To move forward it takes not only time but in many instances a great therapist, psychiatrist, or spiritual counselor. In order to move on emotionally you need to fully deal with your emotions on all levels and recognize your part in the demise of the relationship—we all have one.
We all have emotional baggage of some sort, however it's how you deal with this baggage that can either hold you back from love or help you move forward. Most women will cry, vent to their girlfriends, seek help, read books, write, etc to help in their healing process so they can be emotionally ready for the next guy. Men tend to do the complete opposite or if they do express their emotions they have a hard time letting the anger go.
Ladies, you deserve love without the contamination of a man's emotional residue from his Ex. If he hasn't dealt with those negative feelings before starting a relationship with you, you might be setting yourself up for disastrous situations. Before entering a relationship it's important for you both to have open and honest communication—including past relationships that have caused emotional damage—so that you can move forward towards a healthy, happy and successful future together.