Domestic Abuse : Everyone Always ask the Same Question
Why Do They Stay?
Why Do They Stay? A piece written by Hilzoy on Obsidian Wings-Blogs.com (Hilzoy, 2009). It is a well written visceral look into the reality of the cycle of domestic abuse. Most people rack their brains trying to understand why someone would consider settling into a relationship with a monster without an understanding of the systematic breakdown of psychological coping mechanisms involved in the vicious cycle.
I’ll never forget the moment I saw Farrah Fawcett in the movie The Burning Bed (1984). From what I remember her abuse started either right around the honeymoon are shortly thereafter.
Men wait until they have a hold over you, which makes it more difficult to contemplate leaving. They also choose victims that are vulnerable, and when the abuse starts, it blindsides them. The article noted how “profoundly shocking and disorienting” this can be. There is a misconception according to (Hilzoy, 2009) that all victims have low self-esteem, which could not be further from the truth. Domestic violence can happen to anyone, and the surprise element is often what the perpetrator goes for when the abuse starts.
I remember something similar happening to me with a guy I dated for a short period. Looking back, I now realize all the signs were there. The head over heels start to the relationship tricked me into thinking it was real, “they are often things like he falls for you too hard and too fast, or he wants to be with you all the time” (Hilzoy, 2009). He wanted to move in immediately. Personally, the first time I saw the ‘crazy’ in his eyes, we had just taken an eight hour drive out of town to visit his sister. I felt absolutely trapped. He had already sold his condo and moved all his things into my place. The obsession was there but initially misinterpreted for a romantic whirlwind. The confusion was present, wondering how it was possible to misjudge someone so completely, the heartfelt apology, feeling like the rug had just been pulled out from underneath me.
Fortunately, it did not rise to the level of physical, and I immediately started plotting my way out as soon as we returned to town, but it was not as easy as one may think. I felt overwhelmingly disorientated by the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde routine, and later found out he was bipolar which explained a lot but certainly was no excuse. My point is that I agree with this article and one can never be too careful. It was an enlightening, eye-opening experience and one well learned from; I now look carefully and stay far away from those infamous, red flags.
When Will it Stop
Greenwald, R. (Director). (1984). The burning bed [Motion picture]. United States: MGM.
Hilzoy. (2009, April 10). Obsidian Wings: Why Do They Stay? Retrieved from http://obsidianwings.blogs.com/obsidian_wings/2009/04/why-do-they-stay.html