- Gender and Relationships»
- Relationship Problems & Advice
How To Date A Single Mom
My first born & I
My Experience Of Being A Single Mother
Being a single parent myself and knowing what it was like to be dating a man who wasn't sure of my children. Made me be very aware and picky to who I would want around my children. That means adult children too.
As a young mother I became a single mother when my son was still a boy. I begin dating for the first time when my son was nearing his early teen years and was still developing into what will make a man out of him down the road.
I never dated out side of my newly divorce until five years later. I wanted to be ready and healed from my previous marriage that was also annulled through the Catholic church determining that it was never a marriage to begin with. He never was a good husband and he was a terrible example of a father. He ran from his responsibilities from being a father for a long, long time. He did not want to pay child support so he was always on the run. Until much later in life when he came to the Lord and wanted to make his child support payment which was only 180.00 dollars a month. Hardly enough to carry your child s expenses.
So my son grew up with out really knowing his father. But after five years of never dating and being still young and attractive I decided to start dating again and was ready for a new relationship. But I didn't realize with that new relationship it would cost me my son and his well being. I am not saying that the new man that I dated was a bad person he just didn't know how to be a father figure when it came to my son.
I will be sharing my experience in what started out as a good relationship ended up as a relationship that caused bitterness and division within our house hold.
After one year of dating we did get married but I ignored all the red flags that it wasn't good for my son and what it would do to him in result of seeking out my own happiness and not paying attention to the results and effect it would have on my son and all concerned.
Would You Date A Single Parent
What are the pros and cons of dating them? Post your comments on the subject below the page.
Tip 1: What Not To Do When Dating A Woman With Children
Never tell the mother what they are doing is wrong when it comes to raising their children. Respect their decision on how they choose to raise them. After all they have been doing it on their own they don't need someone coming along telling them what to do.
Unless they ask for your advise but even then you need to respect their decision. The last thing a mother needs from a man is them trying to tell them what to do. Worse yet to say that they are doing it all wrong by putting them down.
My Ex and I
Although I waited to date again after being single for five years I still made some mistakes regarding my child.
First of all he was twenty five and I was thirty four years old and he had children of his own. So the age difference really made it hard on my son and also on him. He wasn't ready to deal with a pre teen. He even questioned it working because of that fact alone. That was a red flag.
Another red flag is he needed a lot of attention and he sabotaged my relationship with my son at that time being that the relationship was so new and since I was so young still and I had been alone for so long I didn't take notice of what it was doing to my son at the time. He was at a very delicate stage in his life trying to find his place here on earth and when a young boy is turning into a teenager he really needs a role model.
What made it really hard for my son is his father leaving and never showing an interest in knowing his son. He was alone with me and he had me to himself for five years. Then along comes this man who is very needy when it comes to attention that he actually rejects my son because he wanted all the attention.
Big mistake is to come off as though you are competing with the mother's attention with her children. Never expect the mother to put her children aside just for you. Instead think of creative ways to do things together until your relationship with her children is grounded.
Be careful not to show rejection or any indifference to her children. Be understanding that mother and child or children have been spending a good amount of time together without a man being present.
Also understand that the child was facing rejection by the father not being present in their life. A child tends to blame them self for the breakup. Even if you have tried to show them it had nothing to do with them.
What a tragedy for the child to not feel accepted! Another form of rejection!
Effects of Parental Divorce on Children of Varying Ages
Age at Time of Divorce
Later Reactions (2 to 10 years)
Preschool (2.5 to 6 years)
Are much more likely to blame themselves for the divorce; also likely to fear abandonment by the remaining parent. They may be confused, have fantasizes about reconciliation, and show difficulties in expressing their feelings. Early studies showed that boys had more problems than girls, but later studies have not confirmed this; rather, boys and girls have different kinds of problems as a result of the divorce
Are more likely to have fewer memories of either their own or their parents’ earlier conflict; generally close to custodial parent and a competent step-parent. May feel anger at an unavailable non-custodial parent that prevents a strong adult relationship
Elementary School (7 to 12 years)
Tend to express feelings of sadness, fear, and anger. They are less likely to blame themselves, but more likely to feel divided loyalties. They are better able to use extra-familial support. There is some support for placing children with their same-sex parent for best adjustment
Tend to have the most difficulties in adapting to step-parenting and remarriage; may challenge family rules and regulations, and throw back “You’re not my real father/mother” during conflict. They tend to show decreased academic performance and disturbed peer relations to express feelings of sadness, fear, and anger. They are less likely to blame themselves, but more likely to feel divided loyalties. They are better able to use extra-familial support. There is some support for placing children with their same-sex parent for best adjustment
Adolescence (13 to 18 years)
Show difficulty coping with anger, outrage, shame, and sadness; they are more likely to reexamine their own values, and may disengage from the family to do this
Shares feelings of the 7 to 12 group but may not be able to express them. May fear long-term relationships with others, and show adjustment difficulties such as running away, truancy, and delinquency
My niece and Her Son
If You Feel Like You Can't Handle The Child Or Children
Then it is best for all concerned not to go into the relationship any further for the sake of all concerned. Like I told you that even though the red flags were there, I put it away and didn't pay much attention to them. I felt that within time things would change and he would accept my son eventually. BIG MISTAKE!
I saw his doubt on being able to take on a teenager when we were first dating and at his age being a few years younger then I was. I quickly ignored the warning signs.I felt that it would go away within time.
Not only did it NOT go away, it hurt me and it hurt my son that much more because he felt un wanted .....My son would rather be homeless then to stay with us where he felt not welcomed by the man I married.
Because of the rejection that my son felt he began to act out in a very rebellious way and during this time I became pregnant with my second son which only added to the stress of our relationship. Not because of the new baby but because my own son was displaying a troubled teen.
I do believe that my husband at that time really tried to accept my son but when my son started acting out instead he resented him. Knowing that .... it only made me become a bitter woman toward my husband because I knew that he really didn't love my child the way he should of or could of. I wanted to know that my son was accepted by the man I married.
This was the starting point to our marriage being troubled.
Tip 3: If You Can't Accept Their Children Then Don't Go Into It Any Further
Never tell your girlfriend or wife that you don't care for her children. That is a big NO NO! We know that you probably could never love them the way you would love your own but telling them straight out is like telling them that you don't love their mom.
That is very painful for a woman to hear knowing that their own children s father walked out on them and now you are telling them something like that. Most single mothers want to protect their children from any form of indifference by a man.
Problems Do Arise
Yes problems will come within the family of ready made children. Are you committed enough to see it through? Will you do what it takes to help the troubled child or will it affect your relationship with their mother?
These are questions you have to ask yourself when courting a woman with children. A pastor once told me that it takes a very special kind of man to even want to take on the responsibilities of your children.
Not only did it affect my son I had two more children and they felt the brunt of the anger and bitterness of not agreeing within the family.
He is no longer my husband. So my other two children are left without a father so to speak. My ex never really realized what I was going through as a single mother until he started having problems with his own child from a previous marriage.
The ironic thing is he is now with a woman with two of her own kids and not there for his own.
If you want to make it work then you need to go into it with open eyes.
Accept the fact that her children may not accept you right away. You can't be trying to parent them by acting like their father. You also can't be their friend until they really know that they have their best interest in your heart.
This is a family that may be broken and if you can't handle the challenges that come with it then I would forsake it before more hurt comes into it.
Sacrifices our made and commitment to see it through must be there.
Do You love her enough to make it work? Is the ?