Of getting and keeping a lover

Capturing the heart of the person you love is one of the main motives of many people. This is especially so if no kind of relationship has started yet. However, even in an ongoing relationship, there is still a strong need to retain the admiration and desirability that made you attractive to the other party in the first place.

The idea of being desirable is easier than that of remaining desirable. Nevertheless, they all take a similar effort, though under completely different circumstances. The circumstances are different because in one case the heart of the other is not yet captured, while in the other the heart is captured but needs to be retained. All the same, this article chooses to concentrate on both capturing someone’s heart in the first place and retaining it their after.

The first step, which applies to both males and females, is to take care of oneself. You must endeavor to be neat and well groomed. There is no need to appear unkempt, dirty or carelessly clad. You would not admire such things in another person, so why should someone admire it in you. The wild look is attractive to some people, but dirt is not an option. Just remember being a Rastafarian does not mean having long, dirty nails and an untidy blouse.

Secondly, go easy on the sexy staff. Many of today’s ladies have been led to believe that skimpy dressing expresses sexuality and attracts males. Though men will be attracted to exposure, they will view you as an easy find, who’ll not be good for a long time relationship. You may thus end up going into bed with many and losing them the following day. Your manner of presentation makes you look responsible or irresponsible. Skimpy dressing tends to imply to the public out there that you are irresponsible.

When you get the opportunity, try to find out as much as possible about the other person. Genuine interest in another person’s life signals that you are attentive to them and creates a good rapport. You can only access such information by asking questions. In case you don’t know what to ask, find out about their family, schooling, occupation, current pursuits, where they live and what they enjoy doing during their free time. There is no need to get too serious about a guy who has no fixed abode. That could be disastrous since you may need to end up sharing you private time together.

One straining fact in relationships is that there are individuals who find it hard to learn the likes and dislikes of the other person. The more you relate to a person the more you learn the kind of things they like or don’t like. Keeping up with activities that bother them without any rational explanation can be interpreted as intentional irritation aimed at them. Consequently, it is important to learn to be sensitive towards their dislikes. However, certain dislikes are completely irrational and thus you must explain why you continue to practice the annoying activity. For instance, if someone dislikes the fact that you seem to go out at night every weekday, they may become at ease if they learn that you are actually attending evening classes. However, if it turns out that you are the party animal and exclude them from your activities, then that would cause further strain unless you change.

One psychologist summarizes the problems faced in relationships in one word: communication. The lack of communication leads to misconceptions and misunderstandings. Telling quick lies to get out of tight situations will only land you in more problems when the truth finally comes out. Moreover, there is the tendency to withhold important information from the other party, simply because you feel it will hurt them. On the contrary they hurt more when they learn the bad news from someone else, only to realize you knew all along but never shared. It is also pretty difficult to face people with their weaknesses. You may find yourself being sucked into the vortex of discussing the weaknesses of your mate with a third party such as a friend. Big mistake! Your mate will come to learn that the information came from you in a roundabout way. That will make them feel slighted.

Communication can also cause problems. If you inform your mate that so and so was your former lover, they may feel jealous. Bringing up such topics, especially when the relationship is over, signals that you have feelings for your ex. In such cases, one may explain the issue only when strictly necessary, like when the other party brings the matter up. There are individuals who go on and on about their former lovers, it is a real put off for your current lover.

Relationships generally have no room for being aloof and disinterested in the other person’s life. Believe it or not, the main reason people get into relationships is to have someone of their own choice, who will be there for them. Other considerations such as expecting rewards do not result in genuine relationships, however high the rewards. And talking of expectations, with time, one learns to be realistic about what they can get out of the relationship. Those who cannot adjust such expectations to a realistic level will soon find themselves on their own. Like the bible asks; what is the use of owning the whole world when you will lose your life. In this case, your life boils down to the relationships you forge with others, including a lover.

There are those who argue that having a relationship is a burden they can do without. Good for them if that actually works. However, the reality is that doesn’t actually go down that way. You cannot negate requirements of nature. The need to relate to another person is inbuilt in our genetic system. The problem is that people undergo all sorts of tribulations when relating to other people and this sets them against relationships in general. However, the innate need to relate still does exist, even in them and thus they desire to reach out, even if they don’t say it. Consider that the worst robber or serial murderer does take time off from the deviant activities to sink back into the company of humanity and experience relationships. Some of them are such socialites; everyone is shocked when the truth of their nefarious activities finally comes out.

If such social misfits can have regular relationships with normal people, then why not you?