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Embarrasing Sex

Updated on November 27, 2009

When Insecurities Take Hold

Embarrassing Sex

There’s nothing like sex, nothing like it. You can measure any human endeavor you choose, rock climbing, swimming, jump roping, writing the great American novel, whatever. You will quickly realize that none of these exercises nor others compare to banging away in a bed with another person. For me, being a single man of dubious means, sex is like rain on a desert plain. It falls rarely, and when it does, it falls out of the clear, blue skies. Boom! I’m drenched. Otherwise, I’m high and dry.

Maybe because my sex is embarrassing I tend to avoid it unconsciously. Why embarrassing? Well, because firstly, I’m not built like an Adonis, but rather a Santa Claus. For some reason I meet women with these excellent physiques. Curvy, big breasted, round assed, flat stomach, where I am the exact opposite. I’m toting a gut, flabby arms, fat thighs with the endurance of an infant. I don’t even want to talk about penis size, that’s another insecurity story.

I wear a long, oversized tee shirt while the light is on, or my shirt at the very least before engaging in sex. Unfortunately, during the act, the shirt or tee is pulled off over my head and while I’m on top of my lover, I have to watch my flabby chest hand like a pair of breasts back down at her. Embarrassing. Just think what this does to the male libido when this occurs? That’s right; the erection goes right out of the window.

How do you explain that without being even more embarrassed about your performance? Couple that with being over 45 with hypertension medication, medication that’s known for depleting the sex drive/erection connection. Thus, as George Burns would say: You’re about to play pool with a rope as a cue stick. So going in you are already on the wrong foot, or the weakest foot at the very least.

Well there are helps for us sorry in the sexual act department. Cialis, Viagra, Levitra, any of the above, which I whole heartily stand behind. The longer acting ones are the best, because, like I said, sex to me is like a rainy day, nothing to be timed. I may go out on a date in the morning and expect sex that evening, but get it in the afternoon instead, or as soon as I walk through the door. That’s when the longer lasting pills work the best. I can pop one in the morning and be prepared all the way up to the next day, thirty-six hours later. God bless the miracles of modern science.

In addition, the erection received is not subject to the vicissitudes of self-realization, such as realizing that your breasts are larger than your date’s/lover’s. So all you have to be very embarrassed about during the act is this, along with your paunch. That’s the second reason why I try to wear my shirt. This spillage of flesh over my belt is unsightly. Now I’m feeling and saying to myself, ‘what in the world is this woman doing in my bed?’ Well, I know exactly what she’s doing, what I mean is why is she doing it with me? I don’t pay it that much mind as I throw everything to the wind when I’m kissing her.

Then there is the embarrassing issue of penis size. Something that every man has to admit crosses his mind, unless he is well endowed. Many men are, and I salute you, but some of us or not so blessed, and use an average sized specialty which can be thought of as small (“it’s cute”), average (“it’s comfortable”), or well endowed (“whoa”). I generally fall into the comfortable range. Although that really is in relation to the penis size that she is already used to. Meaning, if her last paramour was a Whoa! you’ll be considered a ‘Cute’ no matter your range. Since this also plays in with the other issues to be filed under Performance Barriers, once again a stabilizer such as any of the above Chemical Erectile Aids comes in handy. With an erection that’s ready to use, you’ll dread penis size later, after the act.

Further is the finishing act, the final response to sex. The climax. The bad thing about some blood pressure medication is that, not only does it cause erectile dysfunction it also causes premature ejaculation. Yes, even on erectile medication one has to re-learn to delay the sexual response, the orgasm. Once again, you are twelve years old, and through either constant sex or masturbation, you have to relearn what took you years to learn in the first place.  Which is how to recite the entire baseball line up and stats of your favorite team while hard at work during the act. Premature Ejaculation is an embarrassing problem simply because you reach a weak orgasm, which causes you to have Erectile Falloff. Right away, you go from a hard on to a limp organ and a condom full of semen.

Try explaining THAT to your date/lover. Now you have to wait for your Refractory Period, the time it takes between erections. You have to either whistle Dixie, or use your mouth somewhere else, which she doesn’t mind if done right. This is one way to hide the fact that you can’t control yourself, and lucky the second erection is less sensitive than the first where you will not have the problem. The problem is that if you can’t or don’t resort to a fallback sexual act, you’re doomed to explain yourself.

Then there is the cool down period, when you both go for the sheets. Now if I were built like Adonis, I would sit up on the headboard, with the sheets down at my waist, my arm over her lowered shoulders. But for me, I’m ducking low, with the sheets up to my neck, waiting for her to either get up and go do the bathroom or turn her back so that I can slip out from under the sheets and into my clothes on the side of the bed. I am ready to leave before her, completely dressed, reeking of sex because I refuse to take a shower with her. I kiss her lovingly and leave her presence, or watch her leave.

She may view all the above as silly, even detached, and to ask her is a waste of time. Women tend to be quite forgiving of all of your shortcomings…to your face. However, when she is out with the girls, that’s when the real truth comes out. Yet, why should you really care about what she says to the girls. It’s not as if you’re ever going to get a chance to bed one of them. What’s the big deal? Well, it’s that fact that you’ll be looked at funny, even laughed at while you are with her among them that counts. They look at you with a knowing smile, and there you have it, she has told them some aspect of your sex is funny, hilarious, sad, or just plain pathetic.

Moreover, you are not far from feeling the same way. Sex is fraught with insecurities and self-doubt that one has to overcome, and the more ammo that you can take in with you the better. If you are like me though, you’ll have to admit that your ammo box is pretty lean. Embarrassing sex is just that, embarrassing.

Am I saying that I’m a pretty pathetic lover? Well maybe. On the other hand, maybe I’m saying that I overcome a lot to make love to my lady and embarrassment never actually stood in the way of my having a good time. There are just so many things that can happen like an ill arriving fart (from two orifices if you know what I’m saying) to retching. Yes, when you are talking about real sex, the entire sex act, there are a lot of things that can go wrong, a lot of things that can make a man (or a woman) miserable.

The encouraging thing that can be said about all this is that there is one thing that ameliorates the entire picture of pain that embarrassing sex can paint, and that is Love. Love has the ability to forgive all things, laugh at things that are funny, forgive shortcomings and apply a salve to real pain. What is sex without love? An exercise. If it’s just an exercise to you, you had better stay in shape.

If it’s more than that to you and you have love in your act, throw your cares to the wind and enjoy yourself. Embarrassing sex can also be funny, depending on your outlook.


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      chipmunk 6 years ago

      You're amazing! I agree with you. Sex without love is just an exercise. Thanks for posting.