Everything you Need to Know About Hugging

to intimate hugs. This is the "Everything You Need to Know About Hugs," hub.

No, you are not mistaken. This is not a hub about hubbing, but hugging. Yes, hugging. That fine old, innocent, time-tested way to showing affection. Hugging. Oh how sweet it is to hug and be hugged.

Did you ever stop to think what life would be without hugging? Miserable, boring, and down-right a state of going through the motions. I know that I am one-hundred percent right about this because I gave this subject hours of extensive research and exhaustive sources of this one subject that has never been truly explored.

Not even the pure-genius, Albert Einstein studied hugging. Oh, he discovered the Theory of Relativity, but not one time did he think about hugging although his mother and the remainder of his family hugged him at one time or the other.

Actually I am offended and outraged at the how lax and negligent we are as a so-called society to think we are so, so civilized--having conquered racism, bigotry, and violence, but left hugging by itself. Oh, cursed be this society we live in.

FACT: God created hugging.

FACT: Hugging is not a signal given by mankind that says I want to have sex with you and leave in the morning.

FACT: Hugging is an international way of expressing love to one another. Don't believe me? Look it up in the United Nations Chronicles of History, then you will look at me in a different light.

Sure they are. They are in love. Then again maybe not. I haven't checked. But look closely at the pose. They are doing what is called in the "Hugging Circles,"as an after-night-of-hot-passion obligatory hug. I know that this is sad and a lot to digest, but how do you know this? Look at the sadness in the boy's eyes. He is actually saying, "gee, babe. We had a great time, so why do I have to leave?"

And the pretty girl who is not looking him in the eyes is not replying due to the fact that she has no nerve. Who could blame her? She was lonely last night and after she met this handsome grad student in a bar called, "Hooks," it was just a matter of time before they "hit the sheets," and burned the night up with such a degree of animal lust that even Stephen Tyler of Aerosmith would be jealous.

So back to this heart-broken guy's query of why he has to leave this pretty girl all alone in her luxurious apartment? Well, truth be told. The girl, "Billie," doesn't have to answer him at all. She really is a distant lover with no mortal words to define her actions. Simply put. You meet her. Drink with her. Make love with her. Then go about your life's journey.

People and things you can hug without being arrested

Aunts

Uncles

Mothers

Dads

Brothers

Sisters

Preachers

Teachers

Girlfriends

Old girlfriends (if the break-up was clean)

Old Army buddies

Young Army buddies

Movie starlets

Nurses

Next door neighbor women named "Barb" (who have a checkered-past)

Policemen (but not unless they save your life or your friend's life)

Pets

Your friends' pets

Trees

Dirt

Didn't I tell you in the beginning that this was a complete-study of hugging? Well you should know me by now that when I tell you something you can bank on it.

Now let's look at the various ways of hugs that are accepted and not accepted.

Light hug (to women you just met)

One arm hug (to people you do not want to talk to)

Two-armed strong hug (to hot chicks on a blind date, Hollywood starlets, women bartenders who give you free drinks for an hour for no reason, old friends who owe you money and preachers who do not mention they saw you the night before Sunday worship in a drunken stupor chatting-up a "girl of the evening."

Fake hug (only give the impression of hugging)

Tough hugs (at sporting events when your team wins the coveted championship. This also applies to the judge who lets you off with just a fine for hugging a strange lady at the same sporting event and she took your butt to court).

Gentle hugs (meant only for elderly relatives, elderly mailmen and women, doctors, nurses, sisters, nieces, pets, nice neighbors and teachers who pass you although you are nothing more than a "Grade A Flunk."

Non-accepted hugs

Intimate hugs to bridesmaids at your brother's wedding

Intimate hugs to your mom's young married female neighbors

Manipulative hugs that you use to gain favor with the boss or college dean when you are facing being kicked-out for a loud ruckus you cause during the Sunday morning worship service for all faiths

"Handsy hugs" you do when you are drinking heavily and need female companionship for a night or two

Dangerous hugs meant only for pro wrestlers. (This hug can get you locked-up)

Stupid hugs that you do when you mistake an Iranian man for your long, lost uncle "Todd.)

And now in closing, I give you my very-important

1. DISEASES THAT ARE CONTAGIOUS
2. FEAR OF BEING CURSED-OUT
3. FEAR OF THEIR GUARD DOG BITING YOU
4. THE PERSON LOOKS LIKE A KNOWN-MURDERER
5. THE PERSON LOOKS LIKE A MAFIA GODFATHER
6. THE PERSON LOOKS LIKE THEIR GUARD DOG
7. YOU ARE TOO SHY
8. YOU ARE JUST DOWN-RIGHT HATEFUL
9. YOU HATE TOUCHING OTHER HUMAN BEINGS
10. YOU ARE AFRAID MEN AROUND YOU WILL THINK YOU ARE GAY
11. YOU WERE NEVER TAUGHT AS A CHILD HOW TO HUG
12. YOU THINK HUGGING IS FOR THE WEAK
13. YOU ARE TOO SELF-CONSCIENCE FOR HAVING NO EYEBROWS
14. YOU ARE TOO SELF-CONSCIENCE FOR NEVER BATHING
15. YOUR HANDS HAVE AUTOMOTIVE GREASE ON THEM AND YOU CANNOT GET RID OF IT
16. THE WOMAN YOU ARE ABOUT TO HUG IS HOLDING A SIGN THAT SAYS "I AM READY TO MARRY. TODAY."
17. THE GIRL COUSIN YOU ARE ABOUT TO HUG IS REALLY OVER-SEXED AND YOU CANNOT AFFORD A LAWSUIT MUCH LESS A PRISON SENTENCE

So men and women who were once afraid of hugging, be free to roam around in the world and hug at will, but carry this story with you.

It just might save your hide.

Now how about a group hug as I close down?