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FIRST DATE? never talk about SEX

Updated on August 15, 2015

FIRST DATE never talk about sex!

Unless you're meeting a hooker or you've been communicating with someone from

Before reading the article I want to clarify the information provided is aimed at the men who knowingly meet a woman they know are not looking for casual hook ups, but a serious, grown up relationship where SEX is not the topic of conversation of a first date - in fact it is not even touched upon. It does not mean I'm not advocating "healthy flirting" IF you, or both parties find each other attractive. The scenario I refer to is when a woman is made to feel very uncomfortable by intense sexual innuendo or constant references to her body, that is NOT flirting, flirting is an art!

So TALKING SEX blatantly is a huge mistake along with talking about ex-partners and how you're not going to get involved again as women are not to be trusted. Other areas include: poor hygiene, scruffy appearance and bad manners, not just how you use a knife and fork, but how you address the service staff.

When it comes to guys 30plus who spend the FIRST date constantly eying you up and making personal remarks about your body or specific areas that make you feel uncomfortable, then you need to seriously watch how he behaves for the rest of the date.

When a mature man (30+) starts making you feel like you could be behind a webcam, he's almost certainly thinking SEX instead of building a relationship as this is not an emotionally mature way to approach meeting someone for the first time. It shows a lack of serious intent or a lack of experience, either way, regardless of how he may brush of his comments jokingly this is only to make himself feel better for not acting the gentleman. This has nothing to do with women being prim or not liking sex, this is down to being emotionally mature where SEX has a balanced and healthy part to play in relationship between two people who have the same romantic path.

Emotionally mature men are not ruled by what's in their pants

MEN ready for a serious relationship don't act like SEX is the goal, they're far more subtle and worldly.

I'm well aware clever worldly men can play down their desire to have sex in an effort to make a woman feel more comfortable. And that a woman can still fall prey to a man who just wanted to get to the physical. However, for women who are looking for a serious relationship and marriage, they DON'T just act out on physical desire, they want to learn about the man. How his actions match his words, how he does what he says. How he treats those who are vulnerable in society, the elderly, children and animals. The latter are good indications whether someone is " a Narcissistic" personality, which does not mean he needs to look at himself in the mirror, but the internal programming and whether he is likely to nurture, be empathic, compassionate ALL qualities a woman and a good relationship needs.

Now by the time the woman has seen SOME indications towards this emotional stability, the MAN who is looking for just sex is long there is definitely a period for a woman to learn about who she is allowing into her heart and bed!

FOR THE RELATIONSHIP serious man, sex itself is NOT the goal, as he also knows the need to find out a lot about the person he may choose to be a wife and mother to his children. He will still WANT sex just like any other man, but he will know how to control his desires and emotions to lead him down the path to exploring all he needs before committing to an exclusive relationship.

Any man worth learning about always gives a woman time to become familiar with him. He' not insulted or feels insecure by this. Most women are ahead of men emotionally, it's not an insult, just a fact, and a fact that is well known. So any man preparing for a first date with a woman 30+ needs to act with some gentlemanly manners and wise up that this is not an opportunity to tell her about the sexual positions he likes, or make lewd comments about parts of her body, eyeing up passing females or drops in a few slang terms for making love. IF YOU DO you will not be gaining any brownie points for a second date. Women look for intelligence and a guy who has the substance to make conversation and not just spend the whole time referring to sex in some way or another.

Men who initially say they are genuinely looking for a relationship, but in reality are ONLY seeking casual sex, is hardly difficult for a woman to work out as nearly ALL men just looking for sex want to get to their goal as quickly as possible. He will very quickly make reference to SEX within a very short time, may even ask for images, or send images by text, how gross is that, and once a man is demonstrating such poor dating etiquette, then you should move on. Men like this will also have a time limit for waiting for sex, after all that is why they're there, so three dates is usually the time frame which doesn't take them out of action too long if you're not interested.

Don't be cajoled or manipulated into sex until you're ready!

When doing my research on dating habits, many women told me that when on a date the man will explain and try to back up their desire to be physical so quickly ( within a couple of dates) as they want a build a relationship, and this is the way forward. The guy who is SEX GOAL ORIENTATED will stop at nothing to get what he wants, and if that means lying, cajoling or sexually bullying and making you feel pressured, he will do it. Basically men like this wouldn't recognise a relationship if it were in neon lights across a billboard.

Men who are pushy are unattractive ( This does not include asking for a second date, that takes emotional maturity and confidence, risking rejection) The PUSHY I refer to is a barrage of sexual bullying, down to nothing more than putting their own physical needs before anything else. If men only want the physical, then at least use the many avenues aimed at SEX only dating opportunities.

The men who demand sex very early on, actually demonstrate a lack of confidence to gain the interest of the woman by their own natural charm. Women are not against having sex with a genuine man, they just want to be intimate IF and WHEN it feels right for them, not be given a time schedule. So never accept a man who asks, cajoles, manipulates or bullies..

A man who is genuinely treating a woman in the right way, who is thoughtful, interesting and interested, attentive, warm, letting the woman know he finds her attractive and would like to see her again, has NO need to ask - she will willingly fall into his bed when she feels comfortable with that level of intimacy they have built.

A man who attempts to force a woman beyond what
she feels comfortable with, is not worthy of her, nor shows any respect, he is thinking sex, certainly not about you or building relationship.

Act like a gentleman and women will want a second date with you!

WOMEN must also be responsible for their own boundaries, and if the guy their meeting for the first time makes you feel uncomfortable by words or deeds and being overly tactile where you feel uncomfortable, you must speak up, if you don't you are setting yourself up for continued cajoling and hassling which goes way beyond the art of seduction.

He will either think you don't mind or see you as a woman who is not assertive and strong enough to stand up to him. And to fall in love, we all need to feel respect for someone, and a woman who allows a man to say whatever he likes and not step in and say what she doesn't like, is not acting in way that commands respect. Equally by doing this you learn very quickly if he's able to take this on board, apologise and build a different picture of himself.

WOMEN must take responsibility too, SAY if you don't like your dates language otherwise he may think you don't mind!


  1. NO sex talk on the first thirty days of dating, you may only be meeting once or twice a week so keep it relationship based. ASKMEN advises 60 days of NO sex talk and that's from a man's point of view. We are of course talking about mature people who are looking for a serious relationship - not people who are dating for fun!
  2. A GUY should always set up the first date - women like a man who's in control and confident. There will be plenty of time to share decisions on where to go.
  3. DON'T hassle her for her address to pick her up - she does not know you yet.
  4. APPEARANCE: what you wear for a night out with the guys, distressed jeans, t-shirt, stubble is NOT a good look for a first date. It makes you look as though you're not bothered to make an effort for HER. Equally women should also make an effort too!
  5. PHONE: Never check or be on your phone - turn it off and certainly don't have a conversation with anyone who calls if you leave it on, and certainly NOT if it's woman on the other end, it's just bad manners and shows HER you consider the person on the phone more important.
  6. CONVERSATION: Key for building intimacy, but it has to be two way. A monologue about your career is not good conversation, aim for 60-40..with her talking for 60%..50-50 is ideal.
  7. WORK: Don't let work define who you are, it's work.
  8. EX PARTNERS: Okay you may both cover briefly your relationship history, but never in an overly negative way as you may be seen as NOT being over them emotionally. Keep a positive outlook on life and love.
  9. DON'T BE TIGHT WITH MONEY: Always pay on the first date at least, counting out money, splitting bills, asking the waiter what cost what, makes you look tight and unable to take care of anyone but yourself. This is a romantic scenario NOT an equality battle. There is plenty of time to share bills and do things for each other as the relationship establishes itself.
  10. GOODNIGHT KISS: Never attempt a full on deep throat, tonsil tickling kiss UNLESS the chemistry and her body language indicate she would welcome this. FULL on tongue kissing belongs to when both parties know each other well or in the throes of passion making love when you have already been intimate for many months.

Last piece of advice for AFTER the date

CONTACT: NO game playing. The days of keep her waiting for 3-4 days before calling or texting is just the height of bad manners and shows your emotional maturity. The sooner you tell her what a lovely evening you had the better. It's polite to send a text at the end of the evening for when she gets home, she will like this.

IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN: Send a polite and warm message the following morning saying you enjoyed the evening, but the chemistry wasn't there for you to explore further and wish her well for the future, even sign off with a x.

It's rude to leave people hanging around not knowing and so much less painful than suggesting another date only to never call or text her again.

* IF a man or woman is offended or think it's rude if someone actually takes the time and consideration to TEXT or email after a FIRST or SECOND date to say they don't feel enough chemistry to explore further - then those people should NOT be dating or putting themselves out there for a relationship. It is neither rude or offensive to be honest - honesty is one of the main qualities needed for a relationship. And is part of being emotionally mature demonstrating you don't expect, fear or can't handle honesty. All emotionally mature and evolved adults welcome NOT being strung along, lied or mislead..those are the games of teenagers or those in their very early days of maturing.


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    • JRhodesHarvey profile imageAUTHOR

      Jill Rhodes Harvey 

      5 years ago

      Dashingscorpio, once again thanks for your posting. So two like minded professionals eh..I want to just clarify, I was not suggesting that in 30 days the couple don't flirt, being affectionate, hold hands or kiss..passionately. My article is aimed at those who within 60 minutes ask a woman to have sex with them, blatantly and directly. Give set times ( max 3 dates) or he'll be off. And talking graphically about sexual positions..and yes, within that first hour or so. I was NOT and do NOT suggest no flirting or showing your date you're attracted. I do I hope verify this in my article. It's really not about normal healthy physical interest that goes both ways - only situations that make a woman feel threatened by very sexual intensity with someone she does not know.

      I shall try and catch your book.. Thank you.

    • dashingscorpio profile image


      5 years ago

      I too am a dating coach and author of : My Cat Won't Bark! (A Relationship Epiphany). When I initially read your hub regarding "first dates" I was thrown off by the (30 day) no sex talk rule. This implied the couple were seeing each other more than once. My advice to anyone is: (always be yourself). Ultimately everyone is looking for someone who will love and appreciate them for who they are. The goal is to find someone who wants what you do. Thanks again for your clarification.

    • JRhodesHarvey profile imageAUTHOR

      Jill Rhodes Harvey 

      5 years ago

      Thanks for your comment, but I'm coming from this as coach, as counsellor, someone who works from the "psychology of relationships" and how men and women are programmed, nothing to do with princess's, not flirting or anything else that means you don't interact as a man and a woman. This is about men who's only aim is sex. And it's NOT about dating, as most people who have spent years doing that, are seeking some substance and only want to meet people on the same romantic path. I won't comment again as I'm working, and I only write articles to keep my professional coaching in the spotlight. But thank you taking the time to post such an interesting comment!

    • dashingscorpio profile image


      5 years ago

      Voted up! and Interesting.

      I agree with your statement: " Most women are ahead of men emotionally." Primarily because women have been practicing being in a "serious relationship" since they were little girls seeing themselves as a princess with a knight in shining armor. Many have picked out there wedding colors long before they met "the one". Boys don't pretend to be fathers or husbands.

      I do think there should at least be some (sexual innuendo and flirting) during the first 30 days. Too often when people don't show they are "into" one another from a romantic point of view it can lead to being placed in the "Friend Zone". One better off knowing early on that someone does see them as potential lover. It doesn't mean the woman has to have sex with but she should at least indicate she thinks he's "hot" . Truth be told when a woman is "into" a guy she doesn't let the calendar dictate what she does. There is no such thing as being "exclusive friends" therefore she wants him to know how she feels. Again this does not mean she has to jump into bed with him right away but she wants him to know eventually she intends to.

      Although it might sound polite to call a woman up or send her a note just to tell her you won't be taking her out again there are a lot of women who would be offended. Unless there has been multiple dates or discussions about becoming exclusive then there is no real need for either person to make a formal announcement. Most (women) just wait until the guy calls and then they break the news to him or they avoid him until he quits trying to reach them.

      Lastly I would warn women that just because a guy is not "overtly" pursuing her sexually doesn't mean that is not his "end goal". He may be playing the game (wiser) than some other guys. Life is gamble and at the end of the day much of what we do relationship wise is based upon our "gut instincts".


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