I never saw it coming. Never in a million years would I have believed this would happen. It's gone. The friendship, the love, all of it. Blind-sided, yet again. Am I that gullible? I must be, or I would have noticed the signs, the bells, the light bulbs, the gut feeling. A very sad place to be, and in my case, deja'vu. Yes, it's happened to me once before. as you well know. Sometimes lessons are hard to learn.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing. The distance I was beginning to feel started five months ago. First, it was oh, sorry, I was in a meeting. Then it was I got caught up in a conversation and time ran away from me, sorry. Then, it was I'm busy, can I call you back? But the call never came. Soon, it had become almost a daily thing with the can I call you back line and still, the call back never came. My thinking is, well you do have new responsibilities so that's what's taking up your time. It will go back to normal in a few weeks. Who's deceiving who? Well, the hours have turned into days, the days into weeks, and it's now been five long months with the excuses. Then, in the middle of August, we had that one face to face conversation and you told me then that things wouldn't be back to normal for some time. Whatever the hell that means. Since then, it's been dead silence from you. No return calls, no return emails, no face to face meetings.
In my heart of hearts, I know it's really over. The end, finito, kaput. Right? My life as I knew it will never be the same. Yet I still hold on to the faintest of hopes that we will go back to where we were. Why? Why do I even go there? So I can hang on to a dream that I know I will wake up from, but don't want to?
Of all the ways this could have been handled, this is the worst. Your dead silence. No excuses, no explanations, nothing. Do you know a person could be driven mad by that? The constant thinking, wondering, rationalizing and speculating about all the reasons of why and how did it happen.. And I ask myself, to what purpose? Why can't I just put it out of my mind, like you seem to have done. If you stabbed me with a knife, it wouldn't hurt as bad as this does. So why do I keep making excuses for your behavior?
Who Are You?
The man I've adored has become a man with clay feet. A coward. A dog. Funny, you once said to me you are nothing more than a dog, and I, with my blind eyes, said don't be ridiculous, you are no such thing. Well, the worm is now turning and I am becoming a believer. Sadly, I myself am becoming a dog, because as you know, dogs will always love their abuser. Yes, that's right. I still and will always love you, for many reasons. But now, my heart is slowly turning to stone, and whatever love it is that I feel for you will live on deep inside, but never to be resurrected.
You did this to me, but the sad truth is, I also allowed it. I allowed myself the luxury of thinking I have one significant person in my life that I can count on no matter what and that person will be by my side till the day I die One who loves me for who and what I am. One who has supported me through all my trials and tribulations and cheered me on. One who has loved me completely. Oh, you always said you loved me, but the truth is, you fell in love with me. Yes, I said, in love. And that scares the hell out of you, doesn't it? You don't know what to do with it. So, in your wisdom (a word I am using loosely) you've decided to throw it all away. And apparently, the only way you know how to deal with it is to disappear.
Life Goes On
So now, I'm choosing to believe that you are in as much pain as I am. That you miss me terribly and are hoping that I know that that's how you feel. That you didn't want to hurt me, and didn't mean to hurt me, and you knew that if we talked again face to face, you would see the pain you caused, and you can't bear to see it. You know darn well that I can tell when you're lying when I look at your face, and so, what's a guy to do? Disappear. Fade into the sunset. Final curtain. So while you couldn't bring yourself to say you're in love with me, you also cannot say the word goodbye, can you? Therefore, the exit. You think if you don't face it, it didn't exist, right? Wrong. It did, and still does, even though you can't admit that to yourself.
But, you know what? I know you know the truth. And that's what's killing you. The truth that we had something that was real and enduring. For the first time in your life, you felt what I've been feeling for a long time, and you can't handle it. But you know that what we had is a part of who we were, who we became and who we are now, and it can never be erased. Nothing, not time, distance or even death will erase what we had.
I know you know that not a day goes by that I don't think of you, Not a second, minute, hour or day and my foolish heart is choosing to believe that the same is true of you. But that will lessen with time, I'm sure, which is what this disappearance of yours will cause, and apparently is what you hope for. And guess what? It will work, eventually. From the song by Gloria Gaynor, I will survive, as long as I know how to love, I know I will survive.
In The End
As always, I'll be here to pick up the pieces, and one day I will find someone who can love me completely, not half-way, but wholly and unconditionally..
One day, your heart won't lie, and you'll see what you had and chose to throw away. So go. Go live your alibis in your foolish disguise.