November 5th would’ve marked a year with my ex who I had dated for 11 months. He was my first boyfriend, kiss, etc but despite all the firsts, it was a completely toxic relationship. I should’ve seen the red flags, but I was too naive and stupid. The first month and a half were perfect, he treated me like a real queen. I felt happy to have a boyfriend who loved me for me. During Christmas time, he lied about a gift he was getting me. I decided to call it off because he lied and I hate liars with a passion. I took him back after many “I’m sorry” which I regret because I should’ve cut all ties. When we got back together after he lied about the Christmas gift, it was never the same. We would always argue over some petty stuff. He started to blame me because he couldn’t own up to his actions. I was emotionally exhausted but I stuck with him because I loved him. I never attended my own senior prom since I was going to his. A few days before prom he broke up with me but still wanted me to attend his prom since he paid $100. I felt obligated to go especially since I had my dress. I went to his prom but felt vulnerable and sad about the breakup. He kept pushing sex and I obliged to his request because I thought that would’ve worked. I look back at the situation and wish I never had gone to his prom. I lost something that he will always have. As we continued to have our ups and downs in the relationship, we both started to feel drained. We continued the relationship when I started college, but it ended quickly. Right before he broke up with me for real this time was when my dad was re-diagnosed with throat cancer, my mom in the hospital for blood clots, and I was struggling to find a great friend group that I never had that issue before. He said I was too clingy and more irritable. He was inconsiderate because he knew exactly what I was going through. I got extremely depressed because it felt like everything was falling apart. I felt unworthy. I felt that I wouldn’t find someone. I thought I was tainted with ‘slut’ written across my body. I knew I would never have broken up with him because I loved him and I’m weak. But then I realized my self-worth. He may have broken up with me and took a chunk of me with him, but I feel more alive and free. I feel happy which I hadn’t felt in a long time. I think there was always a burden on the relationship, and I’m so glad that he ended something that should’ve been gone a long time ago. I thought I would’ve been sad when it would’ve hit our one year, but I felt at peace and happy. It does get better, you will find your worth, and no one is worthy for you if all they do is abuse you emotionally. There are plenty of fish in the sea to make you happy, don’t settle for the one who semi treats you right. Find someone who will stare at you like you are the most beautiful thing ever. Find someone who won’t pressure you into things you’re not comfortable with. Find someone who truly loves you and doesn’t half things. I trust God’s planning. I know when I would struggle with the previous relationship, I would always ask God if I was making the right decision by staying with him, and I always heard a “no”. I should’ve listened to Him because I wouldn’t have been in that mess. Many people including myself are worthy of something incredible and we shouldn’t settle for less.
© 2019 Brielle