Finding Light Means Believing in Your Strength

There was a time when the darkness was suffocating. I couldn’t see the potential for light and love and happiness. I was lost in a tumultuous world of anger and aggression. Tears spilled out of me daily, but I couldn’t form the words to seek help, couldn’t find the strength. I was lost in feelings of guilt and disappointment. I told myself that I deserved this. He said I did. He told me over and over again how worthless I was. He pointed out all of my shortcomings, built his strength by playing on my insecurities until they were overwhelming.

Moving Beyond the Pain

Writing was my only outlet. My form of therapy. The pen and the paper allowed me to break my silence, but still only to myself. I let myself be brave on paper. I said all of the things that were locked inside of me. It was in those moments that I let go of enough of the poison to keep going. I built myself up enough to prepare for the next round, to survive the blows that would have otherwise destroyed me.

I've always been an emotional girl, sometimes laughing, sometimes crying, and sometimes a mixture of the two, but I've never considered my emotions an issue. They are simply an extension of the passionate person I am, an outward display of how I feel. I've always loved my openness, my willingness to share who I am. However, now that my life is becoming overwhelmed with stressors and emotionally charged situations, I feel myself struggling to hold it all together. For the first time in a very long time I'm afraid that I won't be able to keep the smile on my face.

I've always depended on my unfailing strength--knowing that I can hold it together and mend in time. Now I wonder, what if I'm not strong enough? The refills to my soul are becoming smaller and I’m running out of the energy to keep trying.

More than once I've considered throwing what I need for the kids and I in the car and driving off--never looking back. That seems like a dream. That’s because it is. I have no means, no plan…I’m as worthless and incapable as he says.

Where would I go? My plan to leave stops there. How can I walk away when I can't provide all that my kids need? What kind of mother would that make me?

And, at the same time, how can I stay?!

Fear is Taking Over

The rages have grown stronger and more frequent. Our house is built on hate. There is nothing good here anymore. I feel myself slipping away, losing all hope. I wear a mask even with my children.

I don't want to lose who I am. I don't want to lose at all, anymore. I can’t satisfy him. Or, maybe I can?

He wants me broken and empty. I will be as useless as he’s always claimed me to be. Can I last that long?

And worse yet, who will I be if I do?