Finding Your True Self-Again After The Worst Relationship Ever
Do They Have You Where They Want You??
At First It Was Like Destiny!!!!
I bet your relationship started out to be wonderful. This was the absolute best relationship you have ever been in. You bragged to your family and friends that you have met "the one". Your partner promised you the world, didn't they? They told you everything you wanted to hear. Everything was perfect. The promises were great and the way he or she spoke to you was like honey dripping from their mouth. The lies they told you didn't matter. Oh wait... That's right. Oh yeah, you didn't realize they lied and deceived you until you had been with this person for a while; but then it was too late to turn back. In the beginning, they were entangling you into the web and made you think YOU were the most important thing ever. All the goodness and wonderful, and exciting things they said and did made all the red flags invisible to you.
You could be living with this person or even married now. All of the promises, lies, fake compliments, and praise your partner gave you in the beginning made you feel so special. All those great qualities he or she had helped you dismiss anything bad about them. You believed the good treatment you received from the person would last forever. This did not come true. Now, after 6 months or a year, or even sooner, this person speaks horribly to you. They started off subtly, but as time progressed the words and meanness became worse. This is called verbal and emotional abuse. The way the person treats you is not your fault. If you stay though, it can become your fault. You can get out of this destructive relationship, but you may need some help from the ones who love you. Even though your friends and family will help you the best they can; only you have the power to change the ending. I do not hold a degree in any kind of counseling or therapy, but I have researched and experienced this behavior. I know for a fact that YOU can start again.
Something Just Doesn't Seem Right
Whenever a relationship starts to become serious, introductions to family and friends usually follow. You are still blinded by his or her awesomeness so you start to feel more and more comfortable with them. "This relationship is like a fairy tale", you say to yourself daily. Then your guard comes down and you both open up to each other, well you do anyway. You start bringing your partner to family functions and parties with your close friends.
As time goes on and more functions and parties occur, your loved ones notice your partner speaks to you differently than in the beginning. They also notice you are not coming around as often. One day, one of your friends pulls you aside and asks if you are happy and you are OK. Confused at the question, you defensively tell them, “yes you have never been happier”. Deep down in your heart you know you are lying. What happens when behind closed doors is becoming worse every day. You wonder how the family member notices the problems.
Most of the time, people outside of a relationship will see red flags before the person involved does. The person involved will most of the time get angry with the outsider and protest that everything is wonderful. This is called denial. Below are a list of red flags to look for when someone is being emotionally, verbally, or even physically abused:
Red Flags To Look For:
WARNING SIGNS: That your friend or family member may be in the wrong relationship:
What A Friend Or Family Member Should or Shouldn't do when seeing any signs:
Uncomfortable feeling when around the person's partner
DO Talk to the loved one ALONE
You shouldn't say anything regarding the relationship in front of the partner. You will not want the partner to get violent towards you. Also, the partner may get aggressive or physical later when the two of them are alone.
The partner is extremely jealous.
Don't say bad things about the partner. This could make your loved one angry with you.
To your loved one, their partner is still very important to them. Saying things about the partner could turn your loved one against you.
Your loved one's personality changes
DO Be a good listener
Every one needs to be listened to. Everyone needs to vent. Being a good listener will help relieve stress and help your loved one make the right decision.
The loved one starts to isolate them self from family members and/or friends
DO Offer help for anything you can do
Make time for your loved one. Make sure he or she knows they can call or text if they need to talk.
It is hard to spend time with your loved one because the partner takes up all of their time
DO Look up sites online or the phone book if he/she wants to
When your loved one is ready, he or she will want help. Maybe you can save the numbers and URL addresses for your friend/family member. This is important to keep away from the partner so they will not find it and become aggressive
You notice black eyes or bruises
DO be patient/Don't push your loved one to leave the partner
Your loved one is most likely being controlled already. He or she does not need someone else controlling them. Pushing your loved one could make them stop trusting you and will not confide in you any longer.
Witnessing beating from the partner
DO Call 911 if violence happens
This is when you should do something. If you witness any kind of domestic violence, call the Police.
Your friend or family member has nowhere to go
DO (If you can) let them stay with you for a while. If you are not able to, help them find somewhere else to stay (preferably friend or family).
This is the beginning of the end of the bad relationship. Your loved one will be safe. Now will be the time to work on getting their "old self" back again.
When Do You Know It Won't Work:
Time To Heal With The Help Of Friends
Now that your friend or family member could be out of the bad relationship, this doesn't mean it's all over. Now is the time to heal. At this time, your loved one will most likely need you more than ever. Hopefully your friend/family agreed to sign up for counseling. Your loved one is going to go through denial, depression, anger, and fear.
- Denial that the relationship is really over. They may even be in denial that the ex treated them in such a horrible way, even though you were a witness.
- Depression and sadness because he or she misses the ex (although may be strange to you).
- Anger towards their ex because of what he or she put them through. Also, they could have anger towards you just because you are there.
- Fear of being alone and without their partner. Fear of not being able to make it on their own. Your friend/family most likely depended on their partner. In their head, they believe they will not be able to survive without their ex.
Trust The Gut
Working Towards Healing:
Your friend may want to go back to the relationship. They could even go back once, if not multiple times. This is their decision, but try to be patient with your friend. Try not to be negative. Give them as much space as they need, but try to be there when you can. Don't force your loved one, but ask them to go to counseling. Counseling and therapy is very important after an abusive relationship. Some abuse victims were very independent and happy before their relationship. After the name calling, put downs, and belittling they will probably lose their 'spirit'. They need to work on knowing that they are important and they are worth something. For such a long time, they were told they did not mean anything. Try to reassure your friend that things are going to be so much better, and your friend will get their life back again. This is a hard thing to go through for everyone involved. In the end though, you will finally recognize your friend or family member. They will get back to who they once were. You will have back that person you cared so much about. With counseling, family, friendship and love, your loved one will be happy once again.