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Funny First Date Stories

Updated on June 14, 2013
Beans, beans, they're good for your heart. The more you eat, the more you fart.
Beans, beans, they're good for your heart. The more you eat, the more you fart. | Source

What Not to Eat on a First Date

I would imagine that common sense tells us of the basic set of foods you should not eat before a date. On the day of the date, don't consume alcohol, beans, broccoli, cucumbers, cabbage, oysters, onions, garlic, or prunes.

Now ladies, the gentlemen know that we don’t eat “a small side salad and water, please. no dressing.” for dinner. Have an entrée’. It will impress him. And guys please don’t talk with your mouth full or burp at the table. Thanks.

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What to Wear on a First Date

The appropriate attire depends on the date. If you are going to dinner, casual dress is the way to go. Ladies, you are almost always safe with a pair of nice jeans and a feminine top and a neutral colored low heeled sandal (unless it’s winter time). If skydiving is the planned event, I don’t recommend wearing a dress. If you are going to a five star restaurant, leave your cut-offs at home; and please put on some make up. No hoochie mama clothes; all cracks must be covered.

Guys please wear long pants and button up your shirt to the third button. We don’t care about your hairy chest and big gold necklaces.

Just take comfort in knowing that anything you wear is better than a banana suit (unless, of course, its Halloween)!

Speak no Evil
Speak no Evil | Source

What Not to Say on a First Date

Family planning is a wonderful event, unless you are doing it on a first date! YIKES! Sharing information about how many kids you want and what their names will be is not yet appropriate.

It’s the man’s job to woo the woman by telling her how beautiful she is, and pretend to care about everything she says. He is on his absolute best behavior.

Ladies, no girl talk. He doesn’t want to know about your monthly friend, last relationship, or horrible childhood. Let him ask questions, you ask questions, and get to know each other through dialogue.

Funny First Date Stories

Froggy Went a Courtin’

Ok, so this guy in college is completely fascinated by this girl he meets in one of his classes. Getting his information by chit chat, he learns that she loves giant Oreo double stuff cookies. Later, as he is thinking about her and having a few drinks, he figures out a way to get her attention. He bought 50 giant Oreo double stuff cookies and was going to string them up on the flag pole outside of her sorority house for her to find in the morning! GREAT IDEA! There was only one problem; the ropes were tangled around the flag pole. So the guy climbs the flag pole (after a few drinks, remember) to untangle the ropes so that he can string up all of the giant Oreo double stuff cookies.

The flag pole couldn’t hold his weight, broke, and fell to the ground parallel to the sorority house. He broke three bones in his foot. As his intended was standing in the doorway with a look of shock on her face, and lights started coming on in every room in every house on the street, he knew he blew it. However, she was so touched by his effort that she agreed to a date.

Here’s Mud in Your Eye

They worked in the same building, but for different companies. The guy has been eyeing her for about 3 months. He finally builds up the nerve to ask her out. She says yes. He makes reservations with a fancy restaurant for dinner. He is so nervous, and so thrilled that she is sitting right in front of him. They are having such a wonderful conversation. And then it happened.

The waitress brought their drinks. She had a glass of white wine and he ordered iced tea. As she is telling him a funny story he attempts to squeeze his lemon into his iced tea. Funny thing about citrus, it doesn’t always squirt the juice where you want it to go. The poor girl; she can see now because the blindness was only temporary.

Have you ever had an embarrassing experience on a first date?

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Snot Funny!!

He was on the football team in high school, and had long blonde hair! She was adorable, but not really popular like some of the other kids. One time, at summer camp, she was assigned to the same team as his; which meant that they were on the same schedule. They would have lunch at the same time, swimming at the same time, etc.

The last day of camp, he asked her to go to the beach with him during their 3 hour free time period. She was stunned and thrilled! She figured this would be their first date. She wore her cutest bikini, conditioned her long brown hair to make sure it was extra shiny, and temporarily whitened her teeth.

As they relaxed, lying back on their towels, side by side, they laughed and talked. Everything was perfect; until she sneezed. He was leaning on his elbows with his palms up. Oh yes she did; straight from her left nostril directly into the palm of his right hand.

He calmly got up, went to wash it off in the lake, and returned to ask her out on another date.

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Finish All Your Vegetables

They knew each other from some place else, but neither could remember where from. They ran into each other at the bar. After exchanging phone numbers, he asked her out to dinner the following night. She agreed and met him at a local restaurant.

They had wine and appetizers. Chardonnay and Spinach Artichoke Dip, to be exact. There was flirting and conversation, and then the joke telling began. That's when he noticed a flaw; her dark green teeth.

It’s a Gas Gas Gas

I honestly don’t think this story is rare. Sometimes, you just can’t help it.

I knew a lady who was so excited to go out with this gorgeous guy. He was sweet, smart, and had a rockin’ body. Well, after their delicious Mexican dinner, they went to a movie.

Guys we know if you and your date are the only two people within 10 feet of each other, chances are that smell came from you. And ladies, a good night kiss might be a better idea than a bear hug after a Mexican dinner, "ppppfffffffffft. Oops, excuse me." Guilty.

Then there is that girl he squeezes. Not only does she make a noise, but she also makes her mark.

Thank you for your interest in my writing. I hope you laughed from the gut! Please feel free to leave a comment, and always keep laughing!

"Be kind to one another" ~ Ellen

God Bless You ~ Margaret Sullivan

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    • Mmargie1966 profile image
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      Mmargie1966 4 years ago from Gainesville, GA

      Thank you for sharing B. Leekley!

    • B. Leekley profile image

      Brian Leekley 4 years ago from Kalamazoo, Michigan, USA

      Up, Useful, Interesting, and Funny.

      Tip from my dating years: Keep your car in working order, so that after dinner and dancing you don't have to send your date home in a taxi while you wait in the rain for a tow truck.

    • Mmargie1966 profile image
      Author

      Mmargie1966 5 years ago from Gainesville, GA

      Why thank you, krsharp05 for your kind words! I appreciate it very much :)

    • krsharp05 profile image

      krsharp05 5 years ago from 18th and Vine

      I definitely think you are on to something here. Brilliant and funny! You should consider writing about preparing for the first date. You have a knack for giving good advice and giving it in a way that makes people feel comfortable!

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