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Five Avoidable Mistakes in the Battle for Reconciliation

Updated on July 25, 2013

Your post-breakup period is full of potential landmines that can prevent the success of your reconciliation attempts. You can learn to avoid these mistakes and give yourself a much higher chance of ultimately winning your ex-boyfriend back. You can also learn how to emotionally reconnect with your ex-boyfriend and get him interested in him all over again.

Breakups almost always trigger a period of depression in addition to a sense of loss. This is entirely normal and it’s to be expected. Instead of trying to keep a stiff upper lip and handle the roller coaster of emotions alone, you need to reach out for support. Friends and family members are ready, willing and able to pick up the slack and help you through many of the negative residual effects after a breakup and leave you feeling revived, encouraged and ready to face the world (and your reconciliation efforts) anew.

Contrary to popular belief, getting a relationship back after a breakup is not necessarily as hopeless as you may initially believe. A large majority of relationships can, in fact, be salvaged as long as you’re mindful of your timing and what methods you employ in your reconciliation efforts now and moving forward.

There are a lot of ways you can use to try to win back a lost relationship, but not all of these methods are worthwhile or profitable. There are a lot of mistakes to be made – and if you’re not careful you’re likely to fall right into one. Some mistakes in the process can be overcome, but it’s best to avoid them completely whenever possible. In order to avoid these mistakes, you have to be able to identify them, recognize them and steer clear of them in the pivotal time immediately following your breakup as you traverse the road to reconciliation.


1. Avoid Allowing Your Anger to Get the Best of You

Have you found yourself seething in outrage that your ex-boyfriend had the audacity to break up with you and leave your relationship behind? Anger can be an effective tool in the post-breakup process, but it is not an effective technique to winning a lost relationship back. Lashing out and responding to the breakup with anger may make you feel better in the present, but it’s not going to do much good in the future if you’re hoping to get your relationship back on track. If your ex-boyfriend gets the impression that you’re pissed off and out for revenge, he’s going to put as much distance between you as possible. This does your reconciliation efforts no good and it throws a wrench in your plans moving forward.

Although anger is a natural and understandable part of the process, it’s an emotion that is best expressed outside of your ex’s line of sight. Rant and rave all you want to your friends privately, but you don’t want to give him advanced warning and potentially ruin your opportunity to win him back for good.


2. Appeals to Emotion Fall Short

Guys are simply not designed to be open and honest about their feelings and emotions. While some guys are able to open up under certain circumstances, it’s certainly the exception – not the rule. Most men prefer to stay away from emotional conversations and outbursts at all costs, so it stands to reason that approaching them from an emotional standpoint is not going to be well-received. If you burst into tears every time you hear your ex-boyfriend’s name, you may want to take some time away before approaching communication at all. By avoiding as much potential awkwardness as possible, you can maximize effective communication and give yourself a solid starting point for beginning again and getting things back on track.


3. You Can't Beg Your Way Into a Meaningful Relationship

You never want to be in a position where you feel as though begging for your relationship is the only course of action available to you. Your ex-boyfriend may take pity on you and take you back because he feels bad, but this type of reconciliation is not lasting or healthy for either one of you. Over time, your ex is going to feel like he was pressured into a relationship that he already walked away from once and he’s going to start resenting you for it. As this resentment grows, it will most likely spell the end of your relationship all over again. If you thought getting a second chance as hard, getting a third is practically impossible. In order to successfully rebuild a broken relationship, you need to retain as much of your ex-boyfriend’s respect as possible. Unfortunately, throwing yourself at his mercy and begging for another chance simply isn’t the way to win him back in a healthy and positive manner.


4. Stay Away from Intentional, Overt Jealousy

No one doubts the power of jealousy and few even try. Just because jealousy can be effective doesn’t mean that you should run out and try obvious tactics to make your ex-boyfriend jealous of you. Getting an ex to be jealous isn’t difficult. In fact, it’s incredibly easy. The bad news is that your ex-boyfriend is probably expecting it and he’s going to see it coming a million miles away. No one likes to feel like they’re being manipulated, and your ex is likely to push back or vanish out of your life completely.

That being said, jealousy is only a poor option when it’s the overt, blatant and obvious kind. Jealousy comes in many shapes and forms and if you take the more subtle, less obvious approach, you may be pleasantly surprised at your positive results. Don’t resort to flirting with every guy in sight just hoping your ex will notice. These attempts are prone to blow up in your face – not giving you the result that you’re hoping for.


5. Refrain from Stalking - Virtually or Physically

You may think that inserting yourself into your ex-boyfriend’s post-breakup life by any means necessary is a crucial part of your overall reconciliation efforts – but nothing could be further from the truth. It’s not difficult to find out what your ex-boyfriend is up to. All you have to do is log onto Facebook. Frequenting these sites, however, won’t get you any closer to your end goal and it will probably do nothing but make you feel worse. If you truly want to get back together with your ex, you can’t stalk him into a second chance. Ironically you should be doing the opposite. In order to regain your ex’s interest, you need to establish some distance first. Then your ex can begin missing you, and that sets the stage for further reconciliation efforts in the coming days and weeks.


Understanding and recognizing these mistakes can give you a much-needed head start in your ultimate reconciliation plan. Steering clear of these mistakes can increase your chance of success and give you a valuable edge when dealing with your recent ex. If you can avoid the temptation to succumb to these errors in judgment, you can also retain your ex-boyfriend’s respect, which plays a critical role in the reconciliation efforts going forward. Winning back a lost relationship can be challenging but it is entirely possible as long as you know your best course of actions while staying away from typical (and disastrous) mistakes.

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    • Ex-Ology profile image

      Julie 4 years ago from The Bay

      I agree with that assessment, but more couples wind up getting back together over time than you may expect. Perhaps they broke up for reasons that seemed valid at the time, but upon later reflection they seemed less obvious or silly. I believe that moving forward is the best way to live a happy and fulfilled life without regret, but if you're determined to try to get an ex back, you have to know how to go about it appropriately.

      Thanks for your comments!

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 4 years ago

      Excellent tips! Voted up and Useful!

      However on a personal note I have never understood why so many people desire to go backwards in life. I believe in putting everything you have into a relationship when you fall in love. If it doesn’t work out there is nothing left for you to offer a second time around. There is nothing better than your best!

      Can the future be so dim that people believe the best thing they will ever have in their lives lies in the past? Regardless of who dumped whom, time heals all wounds. An ex is an ex for a reason and it’s usually a very good reason! Every ending is a new beginning. Your future lies ahead of you and not behind you. This has been my outlook on life.

      I suspect most people that want to get back with someone tend to "romanticize" the past when facing an uncertain future. The truth is unless there has been a major overhaul in one's beliefs or behavior the two people getting back together will be the (same) people and have the (same) results in the end. Sometimes it's best to leave a broken mirror on the floor than to cut yourself up trying to put it back together again.

      One man's opinion! :-)