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For Women That Are Needy

Updated on June 19, 2019
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Dominica Applegate, MA, is an author and poet dedicated to helping those who struggle with feelings of shame, unworthiness, and codependency

I used to be clingy and needy. It wasn’t pretty. In fact, it was annoying both to me and to my partner at the time. The relationship was toxic and we were both to blame for that.

Needless-to-say, it didn’t work out.

If you’re clingy or needy, or have been told this by your partner/spouse, this is for you. This is a bit of my insight and advice, after years of working my butt off healing some unresolved issues and becoming less clingy and more emotionally independent.

See, underneath neediness is a feeling of insecurity. A low self-worth. You’re all shaky inside, especially when you’re alone. Why? Because when you’re alone, you really feel just how disconnected you are from YOURSELF; Your true self, that is.

Look Under The Surface

Now, many say they come across as needy because their partner isn’t available emotionally. This may be true. Your partner might not be there for you emotionally. They may be off in their own world. They may be selfish. They may be emotionally immature. They may be in active addiction or a narcissist.

In any case, it’ll help YOU if you get your eyes off them momentarily and focus on you.

Look under the surface. Are you white-knuckle clinging to them out of a feeling of insecurity? No self-esteem? Fear? Do you wish they would rescue you? Are you using them unconsciously as a drug to soothe your inner pain? (I certainly did that.)

Think of a relationship on a spectrum. To the far left there are those who are extremely codependent and to the right extremely narcissist. In the center are those who have done their inner healing work and feel fairly emotionally healed and whole.

If you’re knee deep in needy or clingy behaviors, you’re probably on that left side of the spectrum somewhere. And, you might just be joined up with someone on the right side, as it really is true much of the time that opposites attract.

Do Your Inner Healing Work

The good news is that no matter where you are on that spectrum, you can do some inner healing work to move toward that center. And, you can have a discussion with your partner to be sure their on board to do their work.

Healthy relationships will require both partners keep their own sides of the street clean, and this means both of them working on any issues they have.

What do I mean by inner healing work? Feel, deal, and heal the pain you’re carrying inside. We all have some past pain or trauma that can haunt us if we’re not careful. That childhood pain or abuse or neglect…it doesn’t just disappear. It stays with us, stuck in the emotionally energy field. It’ll keep tripping you up till you deal with it.

I found a few things helpful for my emotional healing: a therapist, support groups, reading great books on emotional healing, meditation, and prayer.

Find Your Emotional Healing Path

Your journey toward more inner security and self-worth will be uniquely yours. What works for me might not be your path, but be willing to discover yours.

Some wounds run really deep and it might take a while to sort them out and heal them. By a while, I mean maybe years. I mean maybe learning how to heal these wounds and not let them trip you up might be something you do the rest of your life. But the thing is, you can make progress and that counts for something.

I’m here to tell you that you can become less clingy and needy. You can become more confident, you can feel worthy just for the sole reason you’re breathing, and you can step into your empowered self.

If you need help, it’s time to think about what kind of help you feel you need. Are you willing to see a therapist? I’m not talking one or two sessions. I’m talking months and months really digging deep to see what’s going on under the surface. I’m talking taking your mask off and being honest with yourself and your therapist. Speaking those things you’re afraid to tell anyone, because some things you just shouldn’t have to hold onto anymore. It’s time to HEAL and healing requires being authentic. Real. Raw.

Emotional healing and healthy relationships take time and effort. I dare say “work”. Not everyone is willing to do the work. Just look around at those who show up with the same complaints every year. They’re not willing to be consistent with their inner healing work. And, that’s sad, because there are many people, tools, and techniques that can help!

Decide your path toward healing and commit to it. Get around others who are living lives marked with personal and spiritual development. Cut ties with those that are bringing you way down or abusing you in any form.

It’s time to shine, dear one. It’s time to get your eyes off others as a “feel good” and look toward YOU. The real you. The healed you. The awesome you!

I believe in you. Now it’s your turn.

© 2019 Dominica Applegate

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    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 

      2 years ago from Chicago

      Insightful.

      It is very important to look within oneself to determine why they may be feeling a certain way. However I believe if you truly love yourself you probably will no automatically assume that you are what your partner claims you are.

      Sometimes two people are simply incompatible.

      People often claim they "need closure" after a breakup. Generally it means the person who got dumped, betrayed, or mistreated is seeking an explanation.

      It's akin to asking someone to punch you in the gut!

      Having someone "justify" their treatment of you is nothing more than putting them on the defensive. They will naturally paint the worst picture of you they can in order to get you to believe they were right.

      Secondly there is no point in "fixing yourself" for your (ex).

      Ironically the trait your ex complained about may be the very same trait which causes the next person to fall madly in love with you!

      Two "clingy people" would be in heaven living in their cocoon!

      Don't be so quick to (full responsibility) for a failed relationship. This is especially true of (young people) odds were never in your favor to being with! Most people don't find their "soulmate" at age 17, 19, or even in their early 20s.

      When it comes to love and relationships most people (fail their way) to success. It's rare that anyone hits a homerun their first, second, third, or fourth time up at bat. If this were not true we would all be married to our high school sweethearts!

      "The relationship was toxic and we were both to blame for that." Rarely is it that one person is to blame. There are 3 reasons couples split.

      1. They chose the wrong mate. (They're too incompatible.)

      2. A "deal breaker" was committed in one of their eyes.

      3. They fell out of love/stopped wanting the same things.

      While it make take (two) people to make a relationship work it only takes (one person) who wants out to end things.

      With each failed relationship we learn something about ourselves as well as well as refine our mate selection/screening process and "must haves list" when it comes to choosing a partner. We also become more aware of "red flags" and recognize sooner when it's not a match.

      "Some people come in our lives as blessings. Some people come in our lives as lessons." - Mother Teresa

      "Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary."

      - Oscar Wilde

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