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Friends With Benefits - You're There! Now What?

Updated on September 19, 2008

All Good Things Must Come to an End

You're in the Friends with Benefits Zone. You have been able to maintain a friendship with her, have sex with her, and not become her boyfriend.

Ideally this will go on for a long time. For one thing it takes some of the base and animal pressures off of the dating world. It is amazing how much more clear headed you can be when you're gettin' some. For another thing, it can be enlightening for you to see yourself with that clarity. You may be able better to gage how ready you are for a real relationship or how ready you are not.

But eventually All Things Must Pass. What happens to the ideal arrangement then? Where do you go from here?

The big reasons you move along from this arrangement, are that one of you has begun dating someone else, or that one of you wants more than friends with the other.

One of you is now dating someone else -

I like to think of this as a time-out more than an ending. We all now how it is dating. It is hit and miss. Things can quickly sour. Whether it be you are her doing the dating, don't say or do anything that is irreversible. Wait and see.

I had several sex-buddies in between my many years of serial dating. It is possible to have someone that you really like & click with sexually, that you hook up with when you're both single. And it is possible that this can last for many years. As long as you're honest with each other and your feelings stay basically the same, this arrangement can be healthy, happy, natural and long term.

One tip to remember regarding the fairer sex is to be respectful and polite regarding her new dating choice but to never let her feel you find her less attractive. Don't dis the new guy in her life; it only makes you look petty or jealous even if you are right. And don't forget to let her know whatever she had with you, she still has. Compliment her hair, her dress. Tell her she looks divine. You don't have to go beyond that into an uncomfortable flirting state, and you don't have to do it in front of her new beau. But do it. Discreetly and sweetly. It keeps you in a sexual place in her mind when she knows you haven't lost your attraction.

One of you wants to be more than friends -

To put it bluntly, unless you both cross this line, this is the end of everything. The benefits, the friendship, all of it. When you have an intimate friendship with someone it's hard enough maintaining it if one of you is in love. Add sex into that equation and you've passed impossible.

If it's your casual sex partner that has fallen, do the responsible thing and be straight up. Tell them you do not reciprocate those feelings. Tell them you're flattered, but it just isn't there for you.

And don't sleep with them again.

The whole casual sexual friends with benefits thing has been fun and healthy and natural. It's been understandable and basically honest. But right here is where it becomes something self serving, one sided, and possibly cruel.

If you continue to sleep with a person that has admitted their true feelings of love for you, you're giving them false hope. Don't lie to yourself and say this is an adult and they know what they are doing. Once someone is in love, they don't always know what they are doing. And if this is a friend then they are depending on you to do the right thing when they can't.

Don't hallucinate that not sleeping with her will hurt her. Oh my god, that "I didn't want to hurt her feelings" bullshit really makes you sound retarded. If she says she is in love, and you are not, then be a man. Suck it up. And stop sleeping with her.

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All text is original content by Veronica.

All photos are used with permission.

All videos are used courtesy of Youtube.


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  • Escobana profile image

    Escobana 6 years ago from Valencia

    I'm totally in for Hubs like these! Voted you up and found it very interesting. I'll be following you and will write about this, from the Latina point of view, having had my share of sex buddies myself.

    I never regretted that period in my life and almost always fell in love with them:-)

  • profile image

    forrealz 6 years ago

    the behavior and words of my guy fwb are contradictory. he says, we could never be anything more, but consistently asks if I've been with anyone else and when we are together, the sex is amazing. One time it wasn't amazing (for him) but only because I began talking after I had had 3 orgasms and he seemed pre-occupied and then he said he lost it and we ended up intimately talking for over an hour. This fwb has been going on for over a year. I boomerang back n forth between desiring him to being glad he lives 2 hours away. If we lived closer, I have no doubt we'd be more than just fwb. After all, it was him who chased me for the last 10 years and only got me to be with him after we were both divorced & single. He's a gentleman, holds the door open, is excited to see me, wants to "show me off"...but, when he says this last part, I get cold feet and am basically afraid of commitment. He is aware of my fears. We have a very deep, emotional & physical attraction to each other. He feels it and tells me this too. But, we cannot be anything more and we agree on this.

  • profile image

    ramona flowers 7 years ago

    its a simple equation..either both will feel mutually about being more than friends or one lets go while the other is still holding currently in such a situation ...sometimes i swear it will evolve into something more but other times i think its just best to not think too much into it at all..overall its a roller coaster ride for me.

  • Mortgagestar1 profile image

    Mortgagestar1 7 years ago from Weirton,West Virginia

    I been there a few times. Openess and mutuality is imperative! when the kitchen starts to get too hot emotionally, end it admirably!

  • profile image

    8 years ago

    I am in a situation. Recently I ended a fwb that went on for far too long. We work together and he still tries to hook up with me. I think that is pretty inconsiderate. I told him it's mean to take advantage of someone who is in love with him. He did it for so long. He is still trying. But I am being strong.

  • profile image

    jy 9 years ago

    I am in such a relationship..kinda. unfortunately I am on the false side...I am the one who has fallen in love with him. what now?

    I don't recommend friends-with-benefits to gets easily emotionally attached

  • CareyYo profile image

    CareyYo 10 years ago from Fullerton

    Thank you!

  • Veronica profile image

    Veronica 10 years ago from NY

    CareyYo, Your hub, as always, is excellent ;)

  • CareyYo profile image

    CareyYo 10 years ago from Fullerton

    I wrote a hub about this too... good topic! :)

  • Isabella Snow profile image

    Isabella Snow 10 years ago

    I'd consider it, but only if I had a guarantee of mind blowing sex everytime. Which, of course, wouldn't happen!