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Controversial Topics in Relationships and Marriage Issues
Yes it is controversial the fact of living with this dilemma "better married or single"? My life was cooler as a single guy concentrated on professional career and friends or married with wife and kids? I know that around the world many boys think of this before getting married, the fear of losing our "freedom", the fear of not conducting our life as it used to be but as it will be...Mother Nature gives us several opportunities to fall in love and sooner or later we will say "she is the one"! When we fall in love and we know we have to go all the way we just do it! It is like running, the moment we hear the gun shooting we run and in a few months a love relationship turns into a marriage and we swear love forever with joy and pain, we start a family, we change our life and start living differently. New important responsibilities arrive and we ride this new horse looking head of us to accomplish a new project which is the family, the house, children, saving plans, bills, new type of vacations, families' reunions, new must do, sex! Sex for example, is it going to be exciting as it was before having our kids? On TV shows sometime couples say "yes it is fine we are happy", however how many lie about this aspect? Now I know that sex is not the most important thing in a newborn family simply because new priorities come up and also because our lady changes after having kids. Her love for our kids will change the attention balance between you (father) her and the kids! Before we were two now we are 3 or more, a mother will always be deeply in love with her kids and we are put at the last place! It is simple as that! Then there the family cycle steps like :No kids yet love and passion step, kids are really young (first 4 years), the second step with kids older and a different exchange between them and parents (mainly with the father). I am sure there are other step cycle after those 3 I noted. However during those first 3 steps (about 6/8 years) the relationship with our wife changes several times! It can be really cool if both mentalities are open and very modern (father also in the mother's role), or they can be difficult if the father has a more traditional approach to kids ( I am the father I am not their mother!). Today it looks like the real problem is to mediate or negotiate a balance between a mother (100% modern and open pretending the father ready to be also a mother) and a father always with the cultural trend of being a bit macho (my friends, my job, my game, no diapers, no kids showers...).
This is the real controversial aspect of being married with kids. Wifes rarely will say "my husband is so nice at home"...they will rather say "he did not empty my dishwasher...I came back late from my job and he did not start preparing dinner...the kids are ills and he does not want to stay home with them because of his career!"...at so on! Now this is partially true because I know many husbands that do all this stuff but not regularly...obviously their wifes do not recognize their help! Wifes tend to dramatize situations (women's favourite sport) and clashes are common at home! This provokes stress within the couple and it is a negative one. Kids sometimes (very often) play with this type of situation not helping the couple to overcome the difficult time. It will take patience and time to heal, smoothing and recovering...until the next discussion will take place!
On the other side of the coin there is the real pleasure to enjoy your own family,too. Your kids play around, we go on vacation all together, we enjoy when they start moving their first steps, we cry happily for their new discoveries and progress, lots of love for them and an increadible reach experience that takes you from the inside. Only a family experience can give you such blessing moments. This is clear!
For a second lets forget about all this and lets think of us "single": we have a nice sexy beautiful girl we do not see everyday, we work and our career starts going high, we have extra money and we have lots of interesting friends, we go to parties, we meet new people, we go to explore the world with trips, we offer to us a nice car, we plan to watch a game on tv or go to stadium with our friends. We suddenly do not have anymore that girl, we quit the relationship and it is not a drama we move on and sooner or later we have another one with who to plan nice romantic weekends for new exciting experiences, we decide to change job and country we just go!...What I want to say is that I am in control of my life according to my possibilities. But "married" is better young or adult? Married is easier when we are in our 30s or in our 40s,too?
To me this is the key point: in young married couples the husband is able to mold himself easly to a married life (lack of single experience time). However if we get married for the first time at the age of 40 after 20 years of living alone as an "attacking single" ...in this case it is going to be harder!To change habits for men is "hard". This is a point wifes do not want to understand and not accepting this makes things more difficult. In other words a husband (40) has to understand his wife that he has to become a bit like a mother to "help" at home...but the wife does not want to understand that this transiction could take sometime and needs comprehension. When I meet my old friends (all married and fathers about 50 of age) we say always the same thing: is it better as we are or as we were?
And you? What is your opinion? Thanks for reading!
Separated or Divorced Sometimes it Works
It is now four years I am separated and divorced since one year. So how is it looking back at the difficult times before separation and the ugly times during the separation and all legal stuff to take care of? How is it after four years?
I have to admit that, even if I was sure how catastrophic it would have been, it is a lot better than what I thought.
My boys live with their mothers (who is a very good mother to them), I travel to visit them regularly and they also come visit me quite often (there are about 2 hours plane distance between our places).
My boys, after a struggling new beginning in a new town, today are doing great I am tranquil and my ex wife is too. Between us there is affection and respect. No more tensions and no more difficult times to cope with. We decide together for our boys, and they are (the boys) very happy, everything is as normal as it can be. Sometimes we go out all four for a dinner or just to visit each others families.
My life is more similar to when I was living alone before marriage and I take advantage of my freedom, I went back on some of my old passions and at work everything is fine.
I have to say that in our case the separation has been a good thing that allows us today to live a better life and be better parents, too.
After all the responsibilities for our boys growth gave both of us the opportunity to use better our brain and heart to protect them and also enjoy our own new life.