Getting Married, I'm Not, But Thanks For Asking
I have always been a bit of a feminist. Ok, if you knew me high school, a lot feminist. I reject many gender roles, traditions, and stereotypes. I've tried so hard to be independent: my first job after high school was in a forestry department and I was the only girl... even to this day I think. I've changed my own oil, pumped my own gas, mowed the lawn, killed my own spiders... I've never seemed like the girl who needed to be the bride. But I am. I so am. Very much, yes. Ever since I was a little girl I wanted to be the bride. I want the dress, I want the place, I want the band, the pictures, the food, the champagne, the rings, the dance with my Dad. My Dad and I don't even get along with each other. We argue the second we see each other, but Godamnit do I want him to walk me down a rose strewn path to my patiently waiting groom. I want something huge and I want to be the center of attention. I want to write our vows, and sing with the band, and make the cake. I want to control and run every single second of this day. I know that makes me sound like a Bridzilla, but trust me I wouldn't be. Everyone involved and invited would have an awesomely ethereal and happy time. Nothing but extreme mirthfull bliss. I want people to write books about me and my amazingly-badass-but-tastefully-awesome wedding. I want, no, I deserve nothing short of epic.
Sadly... it will never happen. A friend asked me if I cry like a lunatic at weddings because I know I'll never have my own. Yes. I have a better chance of seeing a unicorn than seeing my epic wedding. Even before I met John, I knew my wedding dreams were unrealistic, and I'd psych myself out over them, so much so I bet my friend $500 that I wouldn't be married by 30. Guess what Bill, I'll take that in $10's and $20's. So I had set out to be the person you didn't want to take home to mom so I wouldn't have to ever think about my wedding day. And when that didn't work I was mean and callous. Then I met John and knew we were meant to be. We talked about getting married right away. I was so excited that I might actually get to have my epic wedding. But all we really did was talk. Lots of talk and no action plan. Our life together just started happening before we knew it. It was very fast. First we moved in together right away, then I was in school, and he was still a rookie, then we got a car, and a dog, and I'm pregnant, and we're moving to a bigger place, and he's becoming a detective, and I'm pregnant again... there was no time to plan my epic wedding, and no money to buy me a damn pretty ring! And now John and I have been together for 12 years, we have 2 kids, a dog, 1 leased car, and exactly no disposable income. The practical Andi French knows a wedding is just a bill that will never end, money better used to buy a house, another car, and maybe some life insurance. Why should I drop so much money on something I can only enjoy for one day? Why does anyone? Why doesn't everyone just get hitched at city hall on their lunch break? The fabulously romantic Andi French knows why. The spectacle. The communal experience that is a wedding. That feeling of anticipation, all of the eyes on you and people wishing you good thoughts, the feeling like the sun is shining for you. It might just be one day out of your life, but you will have those memories for the rest of your life. That's why if you fuck up a bride's pictures, you fuck with the rest of her married life. That's just a note to all you hungover bridal party members. (Keep it together! and no fist pumping for Christ's Sake). For me, I can't just wing it at city hall, it's got to be done right or not at all. I want what I want.
It's not just the cost anymore with us, it's also the timing. I mean, come on, it's like, why now? That's what I say to our friends and family, those poor people who have been waiting for over a decade for this wedding. It has gotten so bad that every time I say the words, "John's taking me out for dinner." They are always met with "Do you think tonight's the night he'll propose?" Fortunately for me, I only utter that phrase once or twice a year, so I don't often have to make that pained face and say "probably not." Not to mention I hope he doesn't propose in a restaurant, because John likes to eat at rib places. That would be messy. Also, when and if he ever does propose, it better be awesome, I've waited a long time. A very long time, and I'm racking up so many bridesmaids dresses. They help me mop up my tears of desperation. But John doesn't have a romantic bone in his body. His brain doesn't work like mine. He would be happy with city hall. But he hasn't exactly made that a priority either, I think he just doesn't care if we ever got married.
Don't feel bad for me, though, I'll be fine. This is the fate I chose. I've got my 2 kids, that's enough for me, although they would make the most adorable ring bearer and flower girl ever with Jayden in a black and red tux and Delaney in a white and red dress with a huge bow and a hibiscus pinned in her curls walking together to What a Wonderful World while there is Not. One. Dry. Eye. In. The. House. ...........*sigh* Like, I said. I don't need a wedding. So invite me to yours. Even if I don't know you that well, I will weep like I birthed you. Because I love weddings. Everything about them is fabulous. And trust me, you want me there. I'm a good luck charm. Thinking back to all the weddings I've went to or have been in ever, not one has ended in divorce. I'm a good luck charm. *moment of realization* Maybe my misfortune is your lucky rabbit's foot. Seat me close to the bar.
