Guys: How to get a girl to be your girlfriend!
Hey, all you single men out there! Wouldn't you like to know how women feel, what they think and what they'd like from you... in order for you to succeed in making them "your girl?" Well... here you have it! Straight from a girl, herself;)
The first thing (and this is very important), is... make sure you never call when you say you're gonna call; afterall, we don't have anything better to do than to sit by the phone all day and fume as each minute passes.
Don't ever believe us when we say anything nice to you. We just wanna throw you off and make you think a little bit.
Make sure you never, ever talk about personal things (your family, friends, etc.) to us. We can't be trusted and, for sure, we will use every bit of information you give us against you. We're just that evil!
If you happen to have kids, by all means, don't fess up. We're too stupid to ever find out=0
When we begin dating (if I'm smart enough to see the prize that you are)... if I find out you're still talking to other women, you're right to think it's "no big deal." Afterall, what woman wouldn't want her man talking to hundreds of other women on Facebook, or MySpace, while calling me your girlfriend?
When you graciously provide to me your cell phone/home phone number... if I call you and another woman answers, be sure she knows to say she's your sister. Trust me! I'll never find out.
If you happen to be in a long-distance relationship, and you only see your girl every-so-often, do what the heck you want to do! You can get away with murder this way. She'll never catch you, never get to confront you, may never even visit where you live. String her along and just keep 8 or 10 other women where you live, on the side. I don't mind.
If I ever happen to ask you how you feel about something, feel free to say, "Oh, I'm fine," or, "It's o.k." It's no big deal. I didn't really want you to open up and tell me how you really felt anyway!
If, one day, I inquire as to why I've never been to your house (met your family, etc.), say something like, "Oh, honey... you know I want you to, but my grandma's living with us and she's just sooo ill. It's just not a good time, but... we will!" Not only will I be dumb enough to except this explanation, but using your ill grandmother will likely score you heartfelt points, as well.
When we're eating dinner, feel free to stop me if I'm eating too much. Afterall, what gorgeous man like you would want a hippo for a girlfriend? Duuuuuh!
If I'm having a difficult time, emotionally, it's not necessary to ask me how I feel, if there's anything you could do or if I just might need a sympathetic ear. I don't. I'm just fine and can handle it all by myself. I mean... is it absolutely NECESSARY for you to have to "be there" for me when I need you? Absolutely not!
It's completely appropriate for you to talk to me about things like marriage (with ME!), having children, living together and other personal things and still (a year or more after we've met) be in the same situation we both were... no closer to any of these goals. It's not like we ever wanna be happy, anyway!
If you're visiting me for a limited time, feel free to pop yourself down on the couch and watch ESPN for 5 hours, straight. Afterall, it's not like I wanted any of your time.
It's completely fine for you to grope us and talk dirty to us the minute we go inside, but when we're out... for you to act as if we've got the bubonic plague. It's not like we would actually enjoy holding your hand or getting a peck in public, in the first place.
When it comes to chivalry, forget it! Women do not enjoy having their men open their car doors, restaurant/store doors, lead the way at a restaurant (being seated) or kiss their hands over a candlelit table. That is way, too 90's!
If you have, and utilize, a cell phone... it's not necessary for you to reply to our texts or answer your phone when you know we're calling. We are so technically-advanced these days. Who really cares about that kind of stuff? We only really have them for show, anyway, right?
When you become upset, or irritated, with me, it's fine to behave childishly... hanging the phone up on me, yelling, cursing and just not handling your feelings in a proper, grown-up manner. Afterall... I'm ONLY "the girlfriend!"