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HOW DO I SAVE THEM

Updated on February 14, 2013

CHILDREN OF ABUSE

HOW DO I SAVE THEM

How do I save the precious children that I have brought into this world and failed to keep them safe from harm? How do I give them back the life that they have lost, how do I ease their pain or erase their bad memories? Did they ever have any good memories through out their short existence before I finally noticed that they needed me to rescue them? I don’t know, I mean I thought I knew everything, but now I know that I new nothing. So how do I save them now, after I know it was my failure to protect them that caused them harm? I can cry, cry all day and night and forever but how is that going to save them. I can lock myself away in a corner riveted by my pain, the pain that pierces my heart and crushes my spirit. Yes I can sit there in the dark forever telling myself over and over again, “I should have known, I should have known” but how is that saving them. How do I save them, can they even be saved? I want to try, I really want to try, so I think that I got the older one all fixed up, he seems fine, he seems “normal”, so yes I think he is saved. I move on to try and save the other two but the middle one is a bigger challenge than I had hoped, he has some chemical condition attached to his damaged, the damage I failed to see, the damage I failed to save him from. If I only recognized that I deserve love, good love, some one that loves me with heart and respect. If I myself was not so damaged from childhood, I would not have attached myself to damaged love. I would not have married damaged love, I would not have created children with damaged love and I would not have allowed damaged love to destroy my children even if they call him dad. It was me, it was all my fault, it was my destiny from birth, I didn’t recognize it then but I know it now. I was born damaged, everything I touch will be damaged, I am damaged and now I have allowed my damage to infect my children, how do I save them, how can I save them, how can damage me save the children I failed to protect. By the time I got the middle one stabled, years of my life have gone by, but that is what I will give up, if it will heal my children. I am weaker now, weaker by my own damage, and weaker for all that it has taken out of me to try to heal my children. Other than pain, I feel nothing, my body is empty and it requires nothing but to see my children smile again. I don’t date, I don’t have friend, I don’t leave my house unless it is with my children, to do something for my children or to be there for my children. I spend my days when they are at school trying to sleep, I sleep every chance I get, I want days to go by, I want weeks, months and even years to go by. I want to wake up to the day when my children are all better and all healed but whenever I wake up I know that there is one more to go. She is the last of the bunch and she looks normal and all seems well but the damage is there, it is deep inside her head, inside her brain and whenever she takes two steps forward something knocks her back. She can’t pin point what it is because she was so young but I know what it is and I know it is all coming back to her. I can’t eat, I get very little sleep, my hair is falling out, my teeth are rotting inside my head and I am in endless pain. How do I save her, how do I save them, I don’t have the answers, I don’t know and I am so afraid to make anymore decision about her life, so I let her tell me what she wants and what she needs. I am so scared that if I make any more decisions with my damage self, that I will damage her further, so I trust her, I trust her to know what she wants for her life and I let her make the decision that she believe is better for her. I use my damage self to attack anyone who tries to hurt her, anyone who tries to make her sad any one who tries to stand in the way of her finding her way, healing from her damage. How do I save them?

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