Verbal Abuse: HOW Do We Recognize It and Deal With It?
A Note from Billybuc Before We Begin
I am not the author of this Hub. I am sharing it for someone who is no longer with us here at HubPages. Her message is a good one and she asked me if I would share it for her. Since I admire this woman greatly I was more than happy to do so. I have made no changes to her original work; to do so would be rather silly of me since her message is a strong one and needs no assistance from me.
I send my love to her in Sweden and I hope you enjoy her work for H.O.W. (Humanity One World).
Just because your partner is not hitting you it does not mean you are not in an abusive relationship. If your partner is constantly shouting at you, criticizing you, degrade you, calling you names, humiliating you in private or in public, smashing things. . . well, then you are in an abusive relationship that's called verbal or emotional abuse. This is one kind of abuse where the bruises can't be seen.
An important message
Verbal abuse can in reality be more damaging on a persons health than physical abuse
Verbal abuse is the most common form of abuse. Unfortunately it's not regarded as serious as other types just because there is no 'visible' signs of abuse and the abuser may act charmingly around others. However, verbal abuse can in reality be more damaging on a persons health than physical abuse.
Verbal abuse - When the bruises can't be seen
Being in a relationship there verbal and emotional abuse take place can lead to horrific consequences for the victim. Verbal abuse may not show sign of physical damage, but it does cause deep emotional wounds and scarring that will cause terrible – perhaps lifelong physical and mental health problems that can lead to illness, clinical depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, and the victim may start to use alcohol or drugs to cope.
You may not realize you are a victim of verbal abuse!
This kind of abuse in a relationship is a hidden form of domestic violence. Many times the victim is so drained that they may not even realize or recognize that they are a victim. This form of abuse is crippling. Over the time the victim's confidence, self-esteem and independence diminish until non-existing.The victim is always being told they are no good and soon they start believing what their partner tells them.They begin to think they are worthless,stupid, ugly and fat.
This is one kind of brainwashing - making the victim in the end, lose their self-respect and independence.The victim will take the blame for their partners abusive behavior and they will even feel sorry for him/her. They will make up excuses for their spouse and telling everyone that their partner really cares for them. The victim may feel like they really deserve to be punished in this way, since they are a worthless and stupid human being. In the end the victim has lost all their independence, and is just grateful that their spouse is there to take care of them. The abuser may isolate the victim through intimidation and the victim is reluctant to thrust others because of the fear of angering their partner. The victims feel like they are walking on eggshells because they never know when the partner goes verbally berserk for every little thing. This makes the victim feel stressed out, nervous and anxious all the time. It has become a very unhealthy environment, making the victim sick mentally and physically without knowing it.
10 Signs of Abusive Relationship
What is emotional and verbal abusive behaviors?
· Blaming your actions for their abusive or unhealthy behavior
· Intentionally embarrassing you in public
· Preventing you from seeing your friends and family
· Putting you down
· Starting rumors about you
· Telling you what to do and wear
· Threatening to commit suicide to keep you from breaking up with them
· Threatening to harm you
· Threatening to harm your loved ones, pets or possessions
· Threatening to have your children taken away
· Threatening to expose your secrets such as your sexual orientation or immigration status
Here are some examples of verbal abuse:
· Yelling, Screaming and swearing: Going ballistic in private or in public. Screaming and yelling, letting everyone know in a nasty and cruel voice that you act stupid, and it's all your fault.
· Being called names by your partner: Any negative form of name calling is just wrong and not acceptable.
· Using words to shame: Using critical, mocking, sarcastic and degrading names are improper and distasteful.
· Blaming the victim: The abuser go off the deep end and then blames the victim for their behavior. They usually state that if it was not for the victims behavior, they would not lose control,( go wacko, go psycho, fly of the handle, lose one's composure, go bonkers, go loony, go loco. . . well, if you catch my drift.)
· Your feelings are dismissed: The abuser avoid discussions where they might have to take responsibility for their actions and words. They usually turn the discussion around making it again your fault for their actions.
· Using threats to intimidate: Threats in any form should not been taken lightly. The abuser may make the threats in a sarcastic or jokingly tone, but if it makes you at unease and uncomfortable, you know it's wrong.
· Manipulating your actions: Verbal abusers try their best to use constructive criticism to beat a spouse down.They play on your emotions, all in an attempt to make you comply with their desires, regardless of what's best for you as an individual.
Do you know anyone who suffers from verbal abuse?
It's not only women that are victims in a verbal abusive relationship. Men can be victims too!
· Welcome to VerbalAbuseofMen.com home page
Helping verbally abused men find the help and support they need to survive verbal abuse from wives and spouses.
How can you tell if someone is in an abusive relationship?
The signs of emotional abuse can sometimes be hard to spot unless you see or hear one person in a relationship being openly verbally abusive to the other. Many times you do not detect the signs of abuse since it happens behind closed doors.
These are some signs of a person living with a verbal and emotionally abuser:
· The victim is often frightened or fearful of angering or displeasing the abuser.
· The abuser has by their abusive intimidation often isolated the victim to thrust and confide in others.
· The victim can't take any independent decisions. They will always judge how the abuser will react to their decisions – will it be approved, disapproved or will the outcome be rage? As a result, their freedom are controlled.
· The victim lose interest in activities.They lose enthusiasm for life.
· The victim may start to withdraw from friends and family.
· You may observe the victim's loss of self-confidence.
· You may sense that the victim feel stressed and nervous all the time.
· You may hear the victim talk about his or her sleeping and/or eating-disorder.
· You may get the impression that the victim is depressed.
· The victim may share their suicidal thoughts with you.
· You see the victim is using excessive alcohol and/or drugs to cope.
How to help someone in a verbal/emotionally abusive relationship:
· Help the victim to identify their strengths and feel better about themselves.
· Gather information about emotional abuse and the resources available.
· Help the victim by contacting support groups.
· Do not blame the victim or make excuses for their partner.
· Support the victim to be safe.
· Assure the victim that you believe him/her and that you take emotional abuse seriously.
· Ask the victim how you can help.
· Help the victim to recognize their strengths and feel better about themselves.
· Respect the victims decisions and support them if they stay. An abused woman or man may not want to leave their partner, even if you think that is what is best for the victim.
· Assure the victim that their personal health and well-being is so much more important than being in a relationship.
Why does one person abuse his partner?
· Most experts believe it is rooted in unresolved childhood trauma.
· It may be hard to believe, but the abusers are in as much pain as their victims, only they don't realize it,.
· It takes a great deal of work and professional guidance for an abuser to overcome his/her destructive patterns of behavior. However, the abuser must realize in the first place, the important fact, that they actually are abusers and have a problem, before they can be helped.
The Best Approach to Verbal Abuse:
If you recognize the symptoms that has been mentioned here and believe your partner is verbally and/or emotionally abusing you, you need to take some steps of action and focus on getting help.
· Verbal abuse is unacceptable. Never feel it's your fault for the abusers unhealthy reactions.
· If the verbal abuse escalates to physical abuse, leave!!
· Do not engage in conflict with the abuser. The abuser wants a reaction from you. If you respond to the abuser, you are rewarding them. It will be a boomerang effect. Just stay calm or best of all, walk away.
· When the abuser is calm, let the abuser know how hurtful their words are. Let them know that their cruel and nasty actions are unacceptable to you. Set boundaries on what you will and will not accept from your abuser. However, keep in mind, the abuser will not likely listen, and try to once again blame you for their conducts. Stay calm and strong.
· If the abuser still continues his abuse, even after you have set boundaries, it's time to seek counseling, either together or separately.
· Victims are usually embarrassed and will take the blame for their spouses abusive behavior. It may be difficult to talk about your situation to family or friends. Instead look up support groups on the internet or in the community where you live. You need to hear that there are others in the same situation as yours.
· By the help of your supporters from a support group or from a good friend or family member, focus to take back your power.
· If setting boundaries, refusing to respond to the abuse, and getting therapy does not work, then the abuser will probably not change his or her actions. It's time to walk away, even if that means a divorce.The best thing and the healthiest thing to do is to break all ties with the abuser. Your personal health and well-being is so much more important than a relationship.
· Please, take action against verbal and emotional abuse as soon as possible. Do not allow the abuser to have control over how you feel. Constantly being criticized and told you are not good enough, will soon cause you to lower your self-esteem and lose your confidence. As a result you will start to blame yourself for your spouse's abusive behavior. Remember, verbal and emotional abuse is never your fault! Usually, the abuser may just be trying to manipulate or control you into staying in the relationship. No one deserves to be abused, so start today - Take action against your abuser! Value Yourself! Please, remember you're not alone!
National Domestic Violence Hotline
· Support For Women, Woman Divorce Support Group - WomanSavers
Support For Women, Woman Divorce Support Group - WomanSavers.com, lends support for women and has a forum for women coping with adultery
Assure the victim that their personal health and well-being is so much more important than being in a relationship.
Humanity One World....making a difference one person at a time!
2013 William D. Holland (aka billybuc)