He Loves Me...He Loves Me Not? My Account of Overcoming Domestic Violence
Overcoming an Abusive Relationship...One Woman's Story
Why do so many women feel that their sense of self is based on how a guy sees them? A guy doesn't define us. We define ourselves through the love of God. My experience of being a survivor of domestic violence has taught me to finally love myself. Me.....Tina Marie. I believe every woman has the ability to overcome bad relationships and domestic abuse.
God did not create women or men...to be abused. Love is never about someone controlling you or
hitting you. I'm writing this piece to tell my story. It's about being an over-comer and redefining my life as a survivor of domestic violence. It is funny how blind us women can become when we hear the words "I love you, baby". Those are powerful words for us.
Listen up women!
If he is hitting you, then he does not love you. And his pleas of 'ohh baby I will never hit you again', are nothing but empty lies. I've heard it all too many times. At one time I was the victim of domestic violence. I'll refer to my abuser as Jay in this story. Although the name Jay is not real, this story is very real.
At one point I left my home in an ambulance with broken ribs and a beat up face. The doctor at the hospital said, "Tina, you're going to a shelter". I was shocked that these things were actually happening to me. My life was unraveling like some kind of Lifetime movie. After that incident which lead to my hospitalization, I was to attend domestic violence classes twice a week, with other women who had lived similar stories.
After a few weeks my face began to heal and I began to miss him. Why would I miss someone who had put me through this? I didn't know the answer, but my true feelings were love in a disguise, because I still believed the lie that he loved me. My family cried over my abusive lifestyle and they never understood how I allowed this behavior in my life. Abuse is an addiction and i was addicted to this guy. His charming ways attracted me to him and his lies of loving me made me stay with him.
After enduring numerous bouts of domestic violence against me from this guy and losing every time, I still did not get it. After hearing countless horrific stories of abuse from other women I still did not get it. At some point I learned that I was not alone. Out of the millions of women and young girls in this world, who are victims of violence, very few get the message(the message that abusers never change).
Statistics show that domestic abuse is the most prevalent crime against women in America. Usually women never get out of these dangerous relationships. Those who attempt to get out are often are murdered by the abuser. Other are too fearful to try to break away. The truth is that very few women get out of abusive relationships.We can change this with prayer and the desire to love ourselves. God has taught me through years of healing that he wants women to love themselves as He loves them.
A person being abused has serious self-esteem problems. Abuse strips a woman's Identity little by little until she becomes under the abusers control and submits to the abuse. After experiencing this pernicious evil in my own life and putting up my white flag of surrender to God in prayer and direction....Jay went away.
Before I finally broke free of him for good there were periods when I got back with him after being hit. Each time the violence escalated and on a daily basis the Lord would say to me, "if you don't leave him he will kill you".
I was with a 'player' so my out was really through another girl. He went to visit her one day and made no effort hiding that fact from me. The month prior he had hit me so hard my eardrum was ruptured. That night he could of killed me, but luckily for me one his friends came over and took him away.
A month went by until I received medical attention for that injury. I was embarrassed and I knew Jay would go to jail if I told the truth, so when my doctor when asked me what happened, I told him I was playing twister and got hit in my ear.I thought it was a fabulous fabrication, but I was only fooling myself.
After I got home from the doctor's appointment, I thought about everything Jay had done to me. My eyes swelled with tears and I made a life-changing decision. This guy was not coming back into my home or my life! Let me just say that this was not an easy decision. Keep in mind that I was addicted to him and I was going to go through withdrawal symptoms with him out of my life.
God knew how hard it would be for me and He was with me every step of the way. I had to do the work and not let my guard down. My feelings--the very emotions that kept me in bondage, began changing in me. My girlfriend's supported me and my decision. My daily prayer was, 'God, I'd rather be alone than abused'.
At that point I knew I would have to stay true to my words and never give into him again. I was smart in some aspects. For one, I never gave Jay a key to my apartment, so it was all up to me to ignore his calls and his knocks on my door. I knew he would make an attempt to get back into my life and he was a charmer, so I had to stay strong in order to stay free of him. Another good thing for me was that the judge had filed a 'no contact order' and Jay knew that if he didn't watch his step with me, he could quickly end up in jail again.
I decided to go up north for 45 days. It was crucial to be with my family and away from Jay. After the long time alone with my family, I returned
home and I learned that Jay was in jail for
violation of his probation. Maybe his days of abusing women were over I
He was finally out of my heart that day. At last, the spell of control had been broken and now my once blind eyes could see again. I even appeared as a surprise witness in court to let him know I was a strong and whole woman again.
Powerful British Domestic Violence PSA Starring Keira Knightley
Even though he was gone and out of my life, the damage he had done remained. I had been physically, emotionally and mentally abused and those wounds do not heal as fast as flesh wounds do. The scars were there even though not everyone could see them.
As strange as it may sound, I have to say Jay gave me purpose in my life! It seems odd for me to write that but It's true. I decided to start an organization for women and create a eight step program called "New Beginnings ". This program teaches women who they are and how much God loves them. There is life after abuse for all of us.
This new life begins by changing the abusive patterns of these perpetrators. I don't exclude the fact that men are victims in abusive relationships. The numbers for men that are abused are much lower than for females, but it is an issue that can't be ignored. In my program I teach people to love God first and then yourself.
If you allow God to love you then you will naturally begin to love yourself. It is a sure thing.
If you would like to contact me to learn more about the eight-step program please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.