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He Loves Me...He Loves Me Not? My Account of Overcoming Domestic Violence

Updated on November 3, 2010
He Loves Me....He Loves Me Not?
He Loves Me....He Loves Me Not? | Source

Overcoming an Abusive Relationship...One Woman's Story

Why do so many women feel that their sense of self is based on how a guy sees them? A guy doesn't define us. We define ourselves through the love of God. My experience of being a survivor of domestic violence has taught me to finally love myself. Me.....Tina Marie. I believe every woman has the ability to overcome bad relationships and domestic abuse.

God did not create women or be abused. Love is never about someone controlling you or hitting you. I'm writing this piece to tell my story. It's about being an over-comer and redefining my life as a survivor of domestic violence. It is funny how blind us women can become when we hear the words "I love you, baby". Those are powerful words for us.

Listen up women!

If he is hitting you, then he does not love you. And his pleas of 'ohh baby I will never hit you again', are nothing but empty lies. I've heard it all too many times. At one time I was the victim of domestic violence. I'll refer to my abuser as Jay in this story. Although the name Jay is not real, this story is very real.

At one point I left my home in an ambulance with broken ribs and a beat up face. The doctor at the hospital said, "Tina, you're going to a shelter". I was shocked that these things were actually happening to me. My life was unraveling like some kind of Lifetime movie. After that incident which lead to my hospitalization, I was to attend domestic violence classes twice a week, with other women who had lived similar stories.

After a few weeks my face began to heal and I began to miss him. Why would I miss someone who had put me through this? I didn't know the answer, but my true feelings were love in a disguise, because I still believed the lie that he loved me. My family cried over my abusive lifestyle and they never understood how I allowed this behavior in my life. Abuse is an addiction and i was addicted to this guy. His charming ways attracted me to him and his lies of loving me made me stay with him.

After enduring numerous bouts of domestic violence against me from this guy and losing every time, I still did not get it. After hearing countless horrific stories of abuse from other women I still did not get it. At some point I learned that I was not alone. Out of the millions of women and young girls in this world, who are victims of violence, very few get the message(the message that abusers never change).

Statistics show that domestic abuse is the most prevalent crime against women in America. Usually women never get out of these dangerous relationships. Those who attempt to get out are often are murdered by the abuser. Other are too fearful to try to break away. The truth is that very few women get out of abusive relationships.We can change this with prayer and the desire to love ourselves. God has taught me through years of healing that he wants women to love themselves as He loves them.

A person being abused has serious self-esteem problems. Abuse strips a woman's Identity little by little until she becomes under the abusers control and submits to the abuse. After experiencing this pernicious evil in my own life and putting up my white flag of surrender to God in prayer and direction....Jay went away.

Before I finally broke free of him for good there were periods when I got back with him after being hit. Each time the violence escalated and on a daily basis the Lord would say to me, "if you don't leave him he will kill you".

I was with a 'player' so my out was really through another girl. He went to visit her one day and made no effort hiding that fact from me. The month prior he had hit me so hard my eardrum was ruptured. That night he could of killed me, but luckily for me one his friends came over and took him away.

A month went by until I received medical attention for that injury. I was embarrassed and I knew Jay would go to jail if I told the truth, so when my doctor when asked me what happened, I told him I was playing twister and got hit in my ear.I thought it was a fabulous fabrication, but I was only fooling myself.

After I got home from the doctor's appointment, I thought about everything Jay had done to me. My eyes swelled with tears and I made a life-changing decision. This guy was not coming back into my home or my life! Let me just say that this was not an easy decision. Keep in mind that I was addicted to him and I was going to go through withdrawal symptoms with him out of my life.

God knew how hard it would be for me and He was with me every step of the way. I had to do the work and not let my guard down. My feelings--the very emotions that kept me in bondage, began changing in me. My girlfriend's supported me and my decision. My daily prayer was, 'God, I'd rather be alone than abused'.

At that point I knew I would have to stay true to my words and never give into him again. I was smart in some aspects. For one, I never gave Jay a key to my apartment, so it was all up to me to ignore his calls and his knocks on my door. I knew he would make an attempt to get back into my life and he was a charmer, so I had to stay strong in order to stay free of him. Another good thing for me was that the judge had filed a 'no contact order' and Jay knew that if he didn't watch his step with me, he could quickly end up in jail again.

I decided to go up north for 45 days. It was crucial to be with my family and away from Jay. After the long time alone with my family, I returned home and I learned that Jay was in jail for violation of his probation. Maybe his days of abusing women were over I thought.

He was finally out of my heart that day. At last, the spell of control had been broken and now my once blind eyes could see again. I even appeared as a surprise witness in court to let him know I was a strong and whole woman again.

continued below......

Powerful British Domestic Violence PSA Starring Keira Knightley

Even though he was gone and out of my life, the damage he had done remained. I had been physically, emotionally and mentally abused and those wounds do not heal as fast as flesh wounds do. The scars were there even though not everyone could see them.

As strange as it may sound, I have to say Jay gave me purpose in my life! It seems odd for me to write that but It's true. I decided to start an organization for women and create a eight step program called "New Beginnings ". This program teaches women who they are and how much God loves them. There is life after abuse for all of us.

This new life begins by changing the abusive patterns of these perpetrators. I don't exclude the fact that men are victims in abusive relationships. The numbers for men that are abused are much lower than for females, but it is an issue that can't be ignored. In my program I teach people to love God first and then yourself.

If you allow God to love you then you will naturally begin to love yourself. It is a sure thing.

Tina Marie

If you would like to contact me to learn more about the eight-step program please email me at


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    • profile image

      angelscent 3 years ago

      Thank you so. Much its inspirational and rewarding love the comments.

    • profile image

      Babycarrotcakes 6 years ago

      Your a strong beautiful woman and you have showed your friends and family you are a survivor and you are stronger then what people give you credit for. I am very blessed to have you as a mother and any guy that comes into your life in the future better know when he meets you and tries to win your heart that you are a priceless treasure from heaven and he will be receiving a blessing from God! You inspire me with your strength your beauty inside and out, and your loving heart to be brave and strong enough to tell that chapter of your life.You by your pain gave people the strength and knowledge to get out!!!!! The new chapter I pray we do receive the funds for your much needed surgery!!!!!!!! And we will, we just have to trust! Gods in control and he will provide your needs! I love you soooo much muahhhh

    • Leptirela profile image

      Leptirela 6 years ago from I don't know half the time

      I am moved.

      I don't know what to say, however I am glad you have posted this hub and shown another piece of the puzzle, to this cruel world and answered some questions to 'why?'

      No wander so many women, fall. Whether its physical or mental abuse , the wound that remains within is something that carries on through life and never leaves the soul.

      I hate to think, that some men (an perhaps women) who abuse another in such ways - don't take time to leave themselves and see from a different view how this can affect one.

      I am so moved by this and write this with tears in my life. There is so much women go through---- not because I am a woman that i say this... Giving birth alone is a blessing yet a pain, and that's by nature.

      why must we ruin a life/lives by gaining control over another and not just see the beauty in their weaknessess.

      I feel strongly about abuse... I am so sick of what we 'MAN' have done to a world that could have been beautiful. There is no compensation for this

      There is nothing that can make up for a broken soul once its been damaged. :( I refuse to write any more in addition I'd like to say VOTE UP, THUMBS UP GREAT HUB.

      You have touched me

    • chidianan profile image

      chidianan 7 years ago

      Little has been heard of what women go through in the hands of men in the name of love. The major problem for women is learning to get out of what hurts, It even took you months of praying and shutting off to fling him off your life. My prayer is that many other women in this situation would have the strength to come out of it. This kind of men should be sentenced for life, they are not worth living among human, I even heard about a guy who constantly rape the girlfriend, She resorts to taking pain relieves and crying to her self after each round of sex...She finally said "i was scared he would leave me if I made mention of it." the problem is that these women are not motivated enough to come out. God help women!

    • Angel Scent profile image

      Angel Scent 7 years ago from Florida

      So many wonderful comments. I'm really quite moved by it all.


    • profile image

      maxgeorge 7 years ago

      Very powerful words, hopefully it will help others!

    • fidelia@lea profile image

      fidelia@lea 7 years ago

      HI Tina, as I read your article I feel sorry for your relationship with Jay, But at least I can share my gladness with you as he has gone in your life. I also want to congrate you for organize a useful organization for women who's been at your place. I think a man should appreciate their woman in a meaningful relationship, they should love genuinely , furthermore to my opinion, Jay is a kind of person who is emotional where it leads into abusive action toward you.By the way all the best, especially your joining to the hub pages!

    • elayne001 profile image

      Elayne 7 years ago from Rocky Mountains

      Very powerful hub - I suffered abuse at the hand of my first husband - not so much physical, but verbal abuse. After getting married he began to tell me I was ugly, stupid, lazy, and worthless. Later I found out it was a cover for his cheating on me. The abuse led me on a downward path which was hard to come out of. Congrats on your nomination.

    • Money Glitch profile image

      Money Glitch 7 years ago from Texas

      Welcome to HubPages and congrats on being selected as one of this week's HubNugget Wannabes. Good luck to you! This is an important hub about breaking the spell of abuse that individual sometime unfortunately find themselves in with a loved one. Thanks for sharing your story and much success to you on your journey. :)

    • Denise Handlon profile image

      Denise Handlon 7 years ago from North Carolina

      Tina- Welcome to hubpages and congratulations on your nomination for the hubnugget award this week. Your story is truly inspiring. My heart goes out to you. It is, indeed, a difficult cycle to break. Part love addiction and part brainwashing... I spent three days in a D.V. shelter with my 2 daughters back in the '80's until my dad could come up and move us away. I left not b/c of the physical abuse, but b/c of his aggressive behavior following my filing for divorce. He was stalking me before there was a stalking law in effect.

      You are a strong woman, but, I think you are now realizing that. You are a wonderful role model for your two daughters, which was my primary reason to end my first marriage.

      How wonderful that you have organized an 8 step support group. I hope it is successful for all that participate.

    • profile image

      lissa 7 years ago

      Hi Tina...wonderful article over coming domestic violence...Keep up the good job

    • profile image

      Mokhles M Soliman 7 years ago

      Yes you right , but you did good job to bring back your bad memories to advice the others , i am sure it will help a lot .. welcome to the hubpages

    • travel_man1971 profile image

      Ireno Alcala 7 years ago from Bicol, Philippines

      Not all men are like Jay or some Jays out there, Angel Scent. But your decision to leave him carried you to a good, renewed life.

      Men who are beating their wives or partners also suffered hard enough during their childhood days.

      A violent behavior of a person is based from a violent past. As for Jay, when he's with you, the suppressed feeling burst out into a violent action. I hope, violent men will also be taken into counseling so that they'll change for good. A prison is not the answer for your Jay.

      Anyway, you hub will serve as an inspiration to many abused women who braved to go public

    • MPG Narratives profile image

      Marie Giunta 7 years ago from Sydney, Australia

      A big welcome to hubpages from me and congratulations on being strong enough to share your story. I'm sure it will help many women in the same situation and best wishes with the organisation you have started. Congrats too on your hugnugget nomination.

    • profile image

      remredd 7 years ago

      Tina, you have done it once again. You have extended yourself and reached out to help hundreds of thousands of women! You are savior to yourself and all others! You have helped me greatly though a time of on going pain and trouble. I'm glad I can call you a friend,. You are a very special person. Thank you!

    • SteveoMc profile image

      SteveoMc 7 years ago from Pacific NorthWest

      Welcome to hubpages! Looks like a great start, always look ahead, nothing in the past can be changed. I celebrate your freedom, as you stride into the future.

    • profile image

      adel amir 7 years ago

      its hart story .make me cray forget every thing will be good

      bihibak tina

    • ripplemaker profile image

      Michelle Simtoco 7 years ago from Cebu, Philippines

      Tina, I hug you dearly for sharing so much of yourself. We too can learn from you and be inspired a lot. Thank you so much for your boldness and courage to speak your truth. Sending you loving energies as you continue to share your light to the world and make a difference in the lives of many.

      Congratulations on your Hubnuggets nomination. To view it, please click on this link: Enjoy life, freedom, love and peace and the Hubnuggets too!

    • Cagsil profile image

      Cagsil 7 years ago from USA or America

      Welcome to HubPages! I appreciate your courage to share a piece of your life with others. Thank you for allowing me the ability to learn more about you. :)

    • michael ely profile image

      michael ely 7 years ago from Scotland

      Hi Angel Scent, A very sad and horrible story that you tell. As a male i feel quite strongly that people should get involved in these situations. Whether it's family, or neighbours intervening. Or the guy himself seeking serious help. Michael.

    • JNKPRESS profile image

      JNKPRESS 7 years ago

      Great piece. People need to know more about this horrible problem.

    • TurtleDog profile image

      TurtleDog 7 years ago

      Very, very brave hub. A hub that could help others too.

    • profile image

      mohd 7 years ago

      nice tina

      i think u made nice words to be as afeed to our mind


    • Angel Scent profile image

      Angel Scent 7 years ago from Florida

      Thank you so much for all the latest inspiring comments.


    • nasus loops profile image

      nasus loops 7 years ago from Fenland

      Congratulations on your first hub Tina Marie, I think I can say that this is a very moving piece written from the heart. It gives all abused people hope that there is a way out if you get the chance and are strong enough to try.

      Well done.

    • CASE1WORKER profile image

      CASE1WORKER 7 years ago from UNITED KINGDOM

      welcome to hub pages and what a powerful awesome hub to start with

    • profile image

      Whikat 7 years ago

      Hi Tina Marie,

      Thank you for sharing your story. I am sure it will give other victims comfort to know that they are not alone, and that there is hope for a brighter future than what they see in their lives while in an abusive relationship.

    • galleryofgrace profile image

      galleryofgrace 7 years ago from Virginia

      Been through all that myself. Today I stand alone, safe and thankful. Two female friends of mine, the only two friends I had, in my younger years were killed by irate boyfriends.

      I feel for every hurt you had!

      Glad you're here.

      I started a blog on bravenet in the hopes of reaching people who needed help it hasn't been very successful.

      Thanks for sharing.

    • zzron profile image

      zzron 7 years ago from Houston, TX.

      Great advice, sorry to hear of your dilemma. Your courage and determination and your story will be very encouraging to others in this situation. Thanks so much for sharing.

    • profile image

      TopUniverse 7 years ago

      Welcome to the hubpages. Keep up the good work.

    • Shil1978 profile image

      Shil1978 7 years ago

      Tina, what you went through is truly horrifying - no woman should have to go through that. What you say is true - I've seen abused women not 'getting it' either. They continue to want to believe the abuser, that he would change, that he would reform and be loving to them again, whereas the stark reality of it is that they will never change.

      It is quite unfortunate really, but I hope women 'get it' quicker than they seem to do - for their own well being. Am glad for you - that you finally realized what is good for you and set yourself free.

      I hope abused women out there read this hub of yours and find the courage and conviction to seek out help from organizations such as the one you seem to have started.

      Thank you, Tina, for sharing your story. More power to you :) Voted up and rated useful!!

    • Angel Scent profile image

      Angel Scent 7 years ago from Florida

      Thank you to everyone who has commented so far. I appreciate the comments so much.

    • Super Chef profile image

      Super Chef 7 years ago from Around the world

      Welcome to hub pages Tina. Well done for bringing back your painful memories to help others.Keep up the good work girl.

    • Diane Inside profile image

      Diane Inside 7 years ago

      Wow, so brave of you to write about, and I am sure this will inspire some women get away from their abusers. Makes me appreciate my husband even more. Nice job. Great hub.

    • wilderness profile image

      Dan Harmon 7 years ago from Boise, Idaho

      Welcome to HubPages! My wife and I had a friend that was abused and like you say it took a long time for her to break free. It was a great day when she came to use for help to get to a shelter, and it wasn't easy with him watching for her, but we managed it. Like you, her life was changed forever and for the better.

      It can indeed be a very hard task to break out of the cycle, and your hub may help someone else to do just that. Good for you for writing it!

    • KCC Big Country profile image

      Karen Curtis 7 years ago from Central Texas

      Congratulations, Tina Marie. Your article will be an inspiration for the many many victims of domestic abuse and domestic violence. It took courage to do what you did and your compassion for others like yourself is demonstrated in your commitment to help others get themselves out of similar situations.

    • RedElf profile image

      RedElf 7 years ago from Canada

      Saw your comment in the forums and came to see your first Hub - congratulations! Welcome to HubPages. It can take a lot of courage to write with such honesty.