ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

He Want Kids But No Marriage. She's a Single Mom. Should She Trust Him?

Updated on July 14, 2010

Hub Request

hi Veronica,i'm a single mim with two kids. i've been with my boyfriend for 3 months but we've...

friends for 6 yrs. he's asking me have kids with him but doesn't want to get married b'cos he doesn't believe in it. We may get engaged but only after we have kids. i was let down by my previous partners and all i want is security. he says he isn't them and i have to trust him. i'm so confused.

- Miss Dodoo

Dear Miss Dodoo,

The thing that triggers the red flag about him in your words is that you "may" get engaged but only after you have kids.

It's good that this dear old friend of yours has been honest regarding not believing in marriage. But putting that "maybe after I get what I want" teaser out there sets off all kinds of alarms. Is he saying after he gets what he wants his way without considering what you want as a partner, maybe he will change his beliefs? If that's what he's saying, that's pretty fucked up. 

I've noticed you didn't state that you want marriage. But clearly, you do, or you wouldn't be writing. It's a tell that you didn't state it. I realize you may have been trying to keep your hub request short or that you believe it goes without saying. Still, the tell is there. And what it says is, you've stopped asking for what you want, probably because you feel like it's a waste of time since you never get it. 

His telling you he's not like your ex's doesn't make it true. He's not working with you as a partner. He's not a partner, he's dictating to you what he wants, and disregarding what you want. He's telling you "you have to trust him" and forget about what you want.

Additionally you have two children already. You already have kids. Surrendering what you want in life, and abiding by what he wants, sends a message to your children of subservience. Not to mention that their welfare and peace of mind is on the line when he decides the next thing he's going to tell you he wants without caring about what you want.

You've only been together 3 months. Having been friends for years doesn't change the fact that you're only seeing him as a life partner for a very short amount of time. You didn't mention if you're in love with him. Another tell, yes. The only feeling you mention at all is that of being let down.

Miss Dodoo, I think you are in a very vulnerable place emotionally. I think you're feeling a little desperate. I'm sorry past relationships have left you in that state. And I'm sure the massive responsibility of raising the children you have weighs on your desire for security.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to feel safe and secure. As a mother, your desire for security should be something celebrated. You want to provide a stable, secure home for your children. That's a wise and admirable quality to have.

There is absolutely nothing that would be safe or secure by having more kids. Nothing. It will only make your life harder and your heart sadder. There is absolutely nothing trustable about being with a partner that tells you what you want doesn't matter, and you have to live your life and make life changing decisions his way, and his way only. I realize I'm limited by the very small amount of information you've shared. But you have to see that this isn't the life you know you want deep in your heart, so why on earth would you settle? If you can't think about what you want anymore, then think about your kids. No matter what you need to consider the very real facts of what having more children will mean to the children you are already committed to raising. You have no guarantee of the security you seek here. His telling you that you "have" to trust him is ludicrous.

I really have the feeling from your wording that you know this deep down. You really have to listen to that inner voice that is telling you not to do this. Trust your instincts, and seek out the one you really love. The one that behaves like a partner, and loves you back, and wants the same kind of commitment that you want. That's the only way you and your children will find happiness, and the security you deserve.

Thanks for requesting this Hub from me. Namaste.

Comments

Submit a Comment

  • profile image

    578ty 7 years ago

    i agree with veronica. your responsibility is to your kids now. and this guy sounds like a jerk.

  • Veronica profile image
    Author

    Veronica 7 years ago from NY

    Thanks Katrina22!

  • profile image

    Katrina22 7 years ago

    Awesome advice Veronica! And settling should never be an option.. you're so right..

  • profile image

    Miss Dodoo 7 years ago

    Thanks for the advice.wat he's said has triggered alarm bells in my head. he says the compromise that he's made is being with a person that has kids, b'cos he swore he'd never do that again. he had an ex girlfriend with a child and when they broke up it was messy. me persoanlly i do want marriage and i do love him, but is love enough. i have two kids i have to think about, if i'm going to put them in an environment where there are no guarantee's.

  • profile image

    Goodwitch 7 years ago

    Right on Veronica!!!

working

This website uses cookies

As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: "https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr"

Show Details
Necessary
HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
Features
Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
Marketing
Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
Statistics
Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)