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He Won't Commit- Let it Go.

Updated on August 11, 2010

This morning I was frantically getting into my usual routine of checking my emails, my public networks emails and notifications, while juggling with phone calls and text messages, and allowing comments on my dating blog, when I abruptly realized (and I have no clue where it actually came from) that I haven’t been in a real relationship for about 10 months. Wow! 10 months is almost a full year, but the thing that dumbfounded me the most about it is that these 10 months of “self-preservation” have dropped in my life after never having being single for more than a week since I was 11. Lol! Now, granted at 11 I wasn’t in a real relationship, I know that, but you get what I am trying to say, don’t you? I have never lived my emotional life solo, and, without even realizing it or ever finding myself contemplating this knowledge before now, I have been without a stable companion for almost a year. I don’t know about you, people, but I almost feel like I want to celebrate this moment the same way people celebrate anniversaries and birthdays; after all, it is quite the milestone for someone like me, who has never found herself rejoicing about the importance of individuality and being capable of facing life singlehanded.

Just to make things clear, I do value the importance of companionship, partnership and the ability to share your intimate life with somebody other than your pillow; but there is something about being single and not relying on someone else for practical help and emotional support that can make a woman truly unbeatable and strong beyond measure. Now, I also realize that it can be slightly intimidating for a man to think that a woman doesn’t really need him, rather wants him in her life; after all I have heard or read somewhere that men enjoy the feeling of being needed; but it is equally important that men understand that a woman needs to be and feel self sufficient, accomplished with herself, and willing to integrate another person in her daily existence as an element of enrichment rather than dependency for a relationship to be truly gratifying and, above all, long lasting. At least that’s what I have learned in my nearly 15 years of dating. However, it is also important for women to be able to discern feelings of dependency from feelings of love and respect for her partner. In my opinion, dependency is NEVER a positive factor in a relationship of any kind. I hate hearing people saying things like, “Oh, I don’t know what I’d do without her/him!”, and I am always hoping they say it in a figurative kind of way because if you don’t know what you’d do without some guy, then you are in a shit lot of trouble. Me, myself, I had to learn the hard way. My four years relationship (two and half years of which I was actually engaged to this man), for instance, ended when I realized that I was wasting my existence with my partner because he had become a habit, someone I was scared of living without because he helped me with some of my daily tasks as well as raising my daughter. He truly didn’t want to commit to me in the long run, and I don’t know why it took me so long to actually absorb and face this awareness.

It happened suddenly on the evening of September 15, 2009 as we were watching the finale of “More to Love” (I know, go ahead and laugh your ass off, it’s all good). I had been engaged to Mr. Committophobic for more than two years, living together, sharing the same bed every night, eating at the same table every evening, but for some reason, every time I tried to approach the topic of setting the infamous date, he became a master at changing subject. He did it in a rather subtle way, in a way that, if I were really not to pay much attention to it, I wouldn’t have come to recognize his technique, but after it kept on happening for two years, it dawned on me that he had given me a ring just to shut me up. Back to September 15, 2009. The TV show bachelor of choice was finally faced with the ultimate choice of picking the gal that most interested him in the bunch and proposing to her. He was radiating with joy and, after making his selection, he started telling her how much he couldn’t wait to spend the rest of his life making her happy. I was a little moved by his confession and I sighed at the touching scene. In the very same moment I let that long, enchanted breath out, my ex abruptly came out with a statement of this sort, “Oh, that’s all a bunch of bullshit. Look at them splitting up in a couple of months”. Eeeeeeek! It sounded like chalk scratching on a blackboard. I don’t know exactly what happened in my system that let me see everything that I had not seen in four years, but it happened instantly and instantly set me free. I realized this was not the kind of man I wanted to spend my life with any longer; he suddenly became just some bitter, empty hearted, cynical dude who had no intention to get married and settle with me after he had stolen four years of my existence with my blind consent. From that moment on, I literally called it cold turkey. I started planning my move to a different state, a new life where he was not welcome or desired anymore. I understood that it was much more rewarding, inspiring and moralizing to make plans for one at this stage of the relationship, than keeping on living in a fantasy where, someday (over the rainbow) he would realize that he was never going to find another woman like me, and that he’d better seal the deal now that he had a chance to.

So, it’s been almost a year now. At the present time, as soon as I get a feeling that the other party has no intention to build something made of substance, commitment, and honesty, I flee as fast as I can; I am tired of fighting. As a matter of fact, I just don’t understand why people get themselves into situations they already know they won’t be able to get accustomed to in the long run, what’s with the auto -sadism? That doesn’t mean that I expect every man to fall at my feet begging for my attention and promising me his present and his future the day after we meet; but we, as women, KNOW when a man is the right partner for us and when he’s a weasel; and when we end up in the unproductive loop of lies and misunderstandings it’s just because we’ve done our best to ignore all the obvious signs that Mr. Weasel has been throwing our way all along.

So, Ladies, if he won’t commit, or he’s giving you the run around of “But I am not sure if I want to be in a relationship” or worse “But I don’t want to be in a relationship right now” (and I am pretty familiar with this last one thanks to my latest addition to the weasel team) just GO, let it be, flee, turn around and understand that what he is really trying to tell you with his deceiving moves is “I am not sure I want to be in a relationship with YOU”. All I can say is- Let it go, let it go, let it go.

 

© 2010 Roberta S

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    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 

      6 years ago

      Very interesting hub!

      It seems for many people commitment means marriage. And yet with a divorce rate of 50% or higher if you count those who live apart but never bothered to file. A commitment in my opinion is staying together through ups and downs. It's about (time) and not (marital status). Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell have been living together for 30 years. I think anyone be hard pressed to say they are not committed to one another.

      Awhile ago I asked if it were possible to have commitment without marriage. Most people said yes and one of those women who said yes also added, "However it does not provide (legal protection)" This led me to wonder is this what people really mean when they say he/she won't commit? After all someone who has been with you in a monogamous for several years clearly has demostrated they are committed. All releationships whether married or not are "at will". No one is stuck with anyone!

      A 50% divorce rate clearly proves being married is no guarantee that someone will be with you forever. On the other hand I heard one woman say, "Marriage means he can't just walk away after taking up 10 years of your life." Again this attitude would indicate marriage is not so much about "commitment" as it is (legal protection).

      Commitment has more to do with how a couple conducts themself and is proven (over time). Not many people are willing to admit it is (legal protection that they really want) NOT "commitment" or a "promise" to stay together. One man's opinion! :-)

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