ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

He cheated so What Next

Updated on May 20, 2019
EvieSparkes profile image

Evie Sparkes is a published novelist, content writer and company director from the UK.

Should a Cheat Confess?

This is a grey area in my opinion. As I've said in previous articles. Do you feel better for knowing. Can you see how it happened and do you take some of the blame? If you do then wouldn't you have been better left in ignorance? I'm not one hundred percent sure how I feel about this one. I know someone who cheated. It was just the once and yeah, I know, so he says. But I believe him. I'm not saying he had good reason because he should have spoken to his wife and got their issues out there. He loves her but he forgot that for a moment. I say a moment, because it wasn't pre-meditated. It was an opportunistic moment. He regretted it but he told be that he convinced himself that he deserved it because his wife was not interested in sex. She was only interested in shopping and her friends according to him.

He should have spoken to her and they might have resolved a lot of their issues. He didn't though because he is a man and that wouldn't be the done thing would it? He simply got angry at her and made her the bad one when really it was a combination of both of them.

Now he's left with regret and a ton of guilt. Should he tell her? No I said when he asked me. He has no intention of doing it again, mostly because he feels crap all of the time and they've talked. Things are on the up for them and I truly believe him when he says it was a mistake he won't be repeating.

When Your Friend Tells You He Cheated

This is a horrible way to find out. How did he get so careless? Didn't he even care that other people knew about his infidelity? You will be wondering these things and a lor more.

When a friend tells us our partner has been cheating, we get a double whammy. We feel deceived, hurt and embarrassed because it seems other people know. Your friend probably isn't the only one. You have to deal with his cheating and her judgement of him and perhaps you too.

Friends might be filled with angst over whether or not to tell you about your cheating partner. They may not know what to do for the best and it might take them a while to get up the nerve to tell you. On the other hand, they might not like your partner and they might relish telling you.

You should always be mindful of the fact that you are only getting their version of the story. Things and events get distorted and the truth becomes somewhat lost in translation.

Don't go crazy and charge into his work-place, tearing at his shirt or slapping him in the face. Sit calmly and take in this revelation before confronting him.

Confronting a Cheating Partner

Sit him down and calmly tell him you know about his affair and ask him for his version of events.

Don't judge right away, but don't let him wear you down making you feel it's all your fault. There is often fault on both sides, but at the end of the day he did the cheating not you.

Don't ask for all of the lurid details. It won't help you and it serves no purpose. All you need to know is that he has been unfaithful. Now you need to work out how you are going to deal with that.

Take Some Time Out

Take some time to let it sink in. Ask him to leave for a while while you digest what you know. If he refuses then you know he's not thinking about you at all.

Give yourself a couple of weeks or longer if you need it. Do the things you love. See your friends and keep yourself busy.

Consider the good things about your relationship. Do you want to lose that? Can you forgive and more importantly can you forget? Be realistic. Have you been suspicious in the past? Do you think he may have done this before? You know. Deep down we all know. My ex partner cheated and even though he still denies it til this day, I knew he did. I am an intelligent woman and I also have a little thing called intuition. In the end I got sick of what I knew were lies and I left him.

If you always feel like your partner is lying to you then the chances are he is. Use your instinct. If your intuition tells you something is up, then take it that something is up.

Do What is right For You

Think about yourself here. You and only you know what is right at this moment. You might want to give it another go and that's okay.

Sometimes we give up all too soon, especially if there are other issues that lead to him being unfaithful.

Relationships don't come with a manual. They are complicated and they are all different.

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment
    • EvieSparkes profile imageAUTHOR

      Evie Sparkes 

      4 weeks ago

      Monogamy for them is the equivalent of going on a strict diet. It's not a matter of (if) they will cheat but rather (when) they will cheat. - I very much like this description!

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 

      4 weeks ago

      “He loves her but he forgot that for a moment. I say a moment, because it wasn't pre-meditated. It was an opportunistic moment. He regretted it…”

      “Now he's left with regret and a ton of guilt. Should he tell her? No I said when he asked me. He has no intention of doing it again…”

      Great advice!

      I believe there are three basic types of cheaters

      1. The Incessant/Serial Cheater

      This person has never been faithful in any long-term relationship. They get bored fairly easily and are always on the look out for the thrill that comes with being with someone "new". Monogamy for them is the equivalent of going on a strict diet. It's not a matter of (if) they will cheat but rather (when) they will cheat.

      Their motto is: "Variety is the spice of life!"

      2. The Unbelievable Opportunity Cheater

      This person is not proactively looking to cheat. They may have a crush on someone or finds a person very attractive who actually hits on them and makes it known a fantasy can become a reality. There is a momentary lapse in judgement and they cave in to temptation. As with your friend these types of cheaters sometimes regret their actions and carry around a ton of guilt afterwards. If confessing is all about unburdening themselves it's another selfish act on their part. Living with the guilt and making up to one's mate by being the best possible person you can be going forward is better than hurting them with the knowledge of a betrayal.

      3. The Discontented Cheater

      This person blames you!

      If you hadn't done or stopped doing (whatever) they would have never stepped outside of the relationship. Most cheaters who get caught will align themselves with this type because it allows them to "justify" their actions. It also allows a betrayed person who is seeking a way to forgive and remain in the relationship a way out.

      After all if it is (my fault) she cheated then (I) can do something to keep it from happening again. It also allows me to save face with friends and family whom have heard me say cheating was an automatic "deal breaker". Something (I did) caused her to cheat!

      Truth of the matter is both monogamy and cheating are (choices) the (individual) makes. The only person you can control is you!

      {Take some time out} is GREAT Advice!

      Too often people have a knee jerk reaction whether it is to forgive or end the relationship/marriage. The worst thing you can do is offer forgiveness only to learn you are unable to do so no matter how much your partner shows contrition, bends over to be transparent, honest, and trustworthy.

      Don't offer something you can't give.

      It's also helps to be honest with yourself. Although you did not make the choice for your mate to cheat; Did you make it a viable option?

      Imagine a husband with three children and a wife who has entered into menopause and has no interest in sex. They have had discussions and tried hormone therapy but she has no desire.

      In his mind he has three options

      1. Accept the fact his sex life is over.

      2. Run down to the courthouse to file for divorce, move out of his home into a one bedroom condo, become a weekend dad, pay child support (possibly alimony), split up assets, family & friends who choose sides and lower his living standard overall.

      3. Find someone who is attracted to him and wants to have sex.

      Since most cheaters don't expect to get caught you can see why someone in this position might decide to go with option three.

      From their point of view it allows them to have (everything).

      Most cheaters are not looking to (replace) one relationship with another. They want to add to or complement what they already have. Cheating is a selfish attempt to have it all!

    • EvieSparkes profile imageAUTHOR

      Evie Sparkes 

      4 weeks ago

      Yes I agree. It's easier to cheat than to address those issues.

    • FlourishAnyway profile image

      FlourishAnyway 

      4 weeks ago from USA

      Cheating is a big violation of trust and shows that there are issues going on in the relationship that are being ignored.

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)
    ClickscoThis is a data management platform studying reader behavior (Privacy Policy)