- Gender and Relationships
He's Not Maturing As Fast As She Is. Should She Keep Trying to Rush Him?
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years. He is a great guy (he is 25, I am 26), but he is very focused on being the life of the party and I am his first real girlfriend. We have had arguments throughout our relationship, mostly about how he does not prioritize me over his friends, but overall we have a great time together and really care about each other. We still only spend 1-2 nights one on one each week, which I usually initiate, and this isn't enough for me.
Last week, I asked him how he pictured his life in the next couple years or five years and he said he didn't think about it at all. I asked him if he saw this progressing towards moving in together or even more and he said he doesn't really think about it, but that the next logical step if things continue to go well would be to move in together. He says while there are things that bother him about me, he is happy with the overall package of me and couldn't ask for more. He even said that he knew he loved me from our first month of dating. Yet, he is not ready to consider getting married to anyone for another 2-5 years. He tells me all of the problems around his party life style will change and that it won’t always be this way.
This really upset me, I told him I didn’t know if this would work out because I am always the one pushing for improvements to the relationship and pushing it forward. He wants this to work and said that he will spend more time with me and make me more of a priority, but I don’t know if I believe it will happen. And I don’t know if he is really saying this because he is ready for a more serious relationship or because he doesn’t want to lose me. I have no idea whether I should keep giving it a try or move on to someone that is on the same page.
The first thing that really bothers me about your note, is only a few lines in. You said, you have arguments because he does not prioritize you over his friends. You go on to say you spend 1 - 2 nights a week together, which you have to initiate. Then you said when you've directly asked him how he sees the future he clearly states he does not think about it. He says he's not ready to get married and won't be for 5 years. You end your comment by saying you're always the one "pushing" for the relationship to improve.
He's 25 and acting completely appropriately for his age. He's not thinking about the future. He's not working on his relationship. You have to instigate sleep overs. You fight because he does not prioritize you.
I am not sure what I can say to you that he hasn't already very clearly said.
Why do you want to be in a relationship with someone that is no where near ready to make an effort toward or prioritize his girlfriend? Do you really want to be with someone that you have to push and argue with to get him to do things he doesn't want to do?
The way I see it you have 3 separate problems going on here. They are layered on top of each other in this, and creating a huge issue.
The first is that you are dating someone thinking you can change him and push him and argue him into being what you want him to be, instead of being himself. The second is you're dating someone who is 25, and acting like he's 25, and sounds like a lot of fun, the life of the party, but that's not what you want. You want him to be ready to do things he isn't ready to do, and you think you can push and argue him into being older or more mature, or more ready. And the third problem you're having is you're thinking this is what you want. From your wording I'm wondering if you even realize how bad this is, that you want to be with someone that you have to push and change, instead of choosing to be with someone that actually wants to prioritize you and talk about the future, and thinks about marriage.
Let's say you're successful. He obviously loves you and cares about you. Let's say you decide not to try to be with someone that actually wants to pursue you. Let's say you keep pressuring and pushing this 25 year old into making more of a priority and commitment than he's ready to make.
So you have doing things that he didn't actually choose to do, and you have him acting in a way that isn't natural because it's not what he wants, it's just what you want. And through your pushing he marries you. And say you have kids.
Imagine 10 years up the road. Do you honestly think he's going to be happy? Do you really think he's not going to wake up one morning and realize how out of his control his life is, and how much he misses when he was 25 and that was kind of taken away from him? Do you really think he's going to be happy and stay with you? Would you?
I'm not sure what rush you're in at 26 that you have to be pushing and arguing with a man in order to get him to do what you want. I'm not sure why you can't just be 26, and enjoy this time of your life, and enjoy him. You said he's a great guy.
Relax! Enjoy being young, and being with a great guy.
But if you can't relax and enjoy him for who he IS instead of spending your time pushing him into changing into what you want even though he's not ready, then yes you should move on and look for someone who wants to be with you, in the way you want.
And as for him, he should be dating lots of people at his very young age, especially since he is so clearly communicating that he does not think about the future at this time, and he doesn't even instigate spending the night together with his now-girlfriend. I think he'd probably be much happier with someone who doesn't insist he grow up too fast.
Good luck to both of you.
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