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He's Not Maturing As Fast As She Is. Should She Keep Trying to Rush Him?

Updated on April 29, 2010

Dear Veronica,

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years. He is a great guy (he is 25, I am 26), but he is very focused on being the life of the party and I am his first real girlfriend. We have had arguments throughout our relationship, mostly about how he does not prioritize me over his friends, but overall we have a great time together and really care about each other. We still only spend 1-2 nights one on one each week, which I usually initiate, and this isn't enough for me.

Last week, I asked him how he pictured his life in the next couple years or five years and he said he didn't think about it at all. I asked him if he saw this progressing towards moving in together or even more and he said he doesn't really think about it, but that the next logical step if things continue to go well would be to move in together. He says while there are things that bother him about me, he is happy with the overall package of me and couldn't ask for more. He even said that he knew he loved me from our first month of dating. Yet, he is not ready to consider getting married to anyone for another 2-5 years. He tells me all of the problems around his party life style will change and that it won’t always be this way.

This really upset me, I told him I didn’t know if this would work out because I am always the one pushing for improvements to the relationship and pushing it forward. He wants this to work and said that he will spend more time with me and make me more of a priority, but I don’t know if I believe it will happen. And I don’t know if he is really saying this because he is ready for a more serious relationship or because he doesn’t want to lose me. I have no idea whether I should keep giving it a try or move on to someone that is on the same page.

Thanks

tothepoint

Dear tothepoint,

The first thing that really bothers me about your note, is only a few lines in. You said, you have arguments because he does not prioritize you over his friends. You go on to say you spend 1 - 2 nights a week together, which you have to initiate. Then you said when you've directly asked him how he sees the future he clearly states he does not think about it. He says he's not ready to get married and won't be for 5 years. You end your comment by saying you're always the one "pushing" for the relationship to improve.

He's 25 and acting completely appropriately for his age. He's not thinking about the future. He's not working on his relationship. You have to instigate sleep overs. You fight because he does not prioritize you.

I am not sure what I can say to you that he hasn't already very clearly said.

Why do you want to be in a relationship with someone that is no where near ready to make an effort toward or prioritize his girlfriend? Do you really want to be with someone that you have to push and argue with to get him to do things he doesn't want to do?

The way I see it you have 3 separate problems going on here. They are layered on top of each other in this, and creating a huge issue.

The first is that you are dating someone thinking you can change him and push him and argue him into being what you want him to be, instead of being himself. The second is you're dating someone who is 25, and acting like he's 25, and sounds like a lot of fun, the life of the party, but that's not what you want. You want him to be ready to do things he isn't ready to do, and you think you can push and argue him into being older or more mature, or more ready. And the third problem you're having is you're thinking this is what you want. From your wording I'm wondering if you even realize how bad this is, that you want to be with someone that you have to push and change, instead of choosing to be with someone that actually wants to prioritize you and talk about the future, and thinks about marriage.

Let's say you're successful. He obviously loves you and cares about you. Let's say you decide not to try to be with someone that actually wants to pursue you. Let's say you keep pressuring and pushing this 25 year old into making more of a priority and commitment than he's ready to make.

So you have doing things that he didn't actually choose to do, and you have him acting in a way that isn't natural because it's not what he wants, it's just what you want. And through your pushing he marries you. And say you have kids.

Imagine 10 years up the road. Do you honestly think he's going to be happy? Do you really think he's not going to wake up one morning and realize how out of his control his life is, and how much he misses when he was 25 and that was kind of taken away from him? Do you really think he's going to be happy and stay with you? Would you?

I'm not sure what rush you're in at 26 that you have to be pushing and arguing with a man in order to get him to do what you want. I'm not sure why you can't just be 26, and enjoy this time of your life, and enjoy him. You said he's a great guy.

Relax! Enjoy being young, and being with a great guy. 

But if you can't relax and enjoy him for who he IS instead of spending your time pushing him into changing into what you want even though he's not ready, then yes you should move on and look for someone who wants to be with you, in the way you want.

And as for him, he should be dating lots of people at his very young age, especially since he is so clearly communicating that he does not think about the future at this time, and he doesn't even instigate spending the night together with his now-girlfriend. I think he'd probably be much happier with someone who doesn't insist he grow up too fast.

Good luck to both of you. 

Do you have a relationship question? Email me through my profile. Thanks!

Comments

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  • profile image

    Julie 

    7 years ago

    Ok, I TOTALLY understand what this girl is talking about. I just got out of relationship last week because my guy decided after a year of dating that he wasn't ready for relationship anymore. We love each other so much but he said he likes his alone time and wants his freedom back. Now, don't get the impression I never let him have his space. I let him do whatever he wanted whenever. I didn't mind when he would go in his garage and weld or whatever BUT the point is... I always had to initiate EVERYTHING! I also asked him where he saw himself in 5 or 10 years and I wasn't included. Now, I'm not ready for marriage and all that... All I wanted was for him to take more of an interest in me and my life and want to spend time with me. Like, make the initiative to take me places; spend some time with me. I'm a woman who needs attention and affection. I could care less about gifts. I need and want to know he loves me. He didn't seem to show it too well. So, he started becoming more distant and I knew there was something wrong. I was the one that had to force it out of him. He said he was too scared to hurt my feelings. Ya ok! Putting it off and not talking to me hurts my feelings more. Guys are SO dumb that way. He told me he doesn't feel like "Bob". He said he's a little depressed. He said he has a lot of growing up to do but he still loves me and wouldn't change anything about me. He said he just isn't ready for a relationship. He swore it had nothing to do with me. I just hope he isn't making up excuses so he doesn't hurt me. It's been 5 days that I haven't talked to him. I am giving him the space he wants even though it is HARD AS HELL but I respect his decision and he respects the fact that I respect it. We are still friends. We both love each other so much, so maybe he will realize one day how dumb he was for dumping me. We both don't want to see anyone else. He said the thought of me seeing someone else makes him sick. I guess I will wait for him until the day comes that I've found someone else. I told him I love him so much that I am willing to walk away in order for him to be happy. Now is that not love or what... Anyways, I now what this girl is going through. Leave him hun, give him space. He will come back... (I hope)

  • Veronica profile imageAUTHOR

    Veronica 

    8 years ago from NY

    Thanks!!

  • Sa`ge profile image

    Sa`ge 

    8 years ago from Barefoot Island

    she should be looking for a 35 year old. even at that age guys do not like to feel tied down. this young woman spends way to much time shaping someone else s life, or trying to anyways. need to wake up and go smell some roses and shape her own life, she is not a happy camper.. ~aloha~ Great Hub! :)

  • profile image

    sensun 

    8 years ago

    Great advice. I think she is way too pushy. Come on, the bloke is a bloke. He's young, unattached (in that they aren't married) and still in charge of his life.

    She wants to corral him in to a live in relationship which he isn't ready for. He has been upfront about it and has told her he isn't ready.

    I agree, be young while you can, enjoy life, enjoy the fun. There is plenty of time for settling down and getting married and having children and so on and so on...

    Great hub by the way

  • Marlena Oechsner profile image

    Marlena Oechsner 

    8 years ago from Wisconsin

    I would have to agree with shahab khan...I think he is using the party lifestyle as an excuse to delay serious things like moving in because he isn't sure about you. Guys that want to party all the time really want to meet other people, including other girls.

  • Masumrana profile image

    Masumrana 

    8 years ago from Dhaka, Bangladesh

    Interesting hub.

  • shahab khan profile image

    shahab khan 

    8 years ago

    i think he is interested in other girls.

  • Astra Nomik profile image

    Cathy Nerujen 

    8 years ago from Edge of Reality and Known Space

    Wow, interesting hub here!

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