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How to be Completely Irresistible to Women| Ten Tips on How to Pick Up Hotties| How to be a Chick Magnet.

Updated on June 18, 2014
Spot the millionaire!
Spot the millionaire!
I am not even sure that he is actually human.
I am not even sure that he is actually human.
He is famous and gets a lot of girls.
He is famous and gets a lot of girls.
He even gets girls.
He even gets girls.
if you live here, you are a chick magnet.
if you live here, you are a chick magnet.
Food of the Gods.
Food of the Gods.
Good luck with that!
Good luck with that!

My tongue is in my cheek

My son listens to a lot of gamer commentary on You Tube (WingsofRedemption, WoodysGamerTag and others). Whenever the game commentators have a call in show, some poor kid calls in and does not ask about video games but ,inevitably, asks about girls. So, I thought that I would go ahead and put my two cents in and spill the beans on how to be completely irresistible to women.

1.Be devastatingly handsome.-This is by far the easiest way to attract women, and all you have to do is be born with great genes! I have included a picture of a supposed real human being that my wife and her friends think is handsome (I am pretty sure he is gay, not that there is anything wrong with that!).

2. Be very rich.-Do not worry if you are not terribely handsome. You can still attract women by being filthy rich. Again, all you have do is be born into a rich family or win the lottery(or work really, really hard and catch a break or two).

3. Be famous. What? You are not rich or handsome. Do not worry because of technology, you can do something really stupid on You Tube and become famous!!! Warning-It is not worth losing your life or causing permant damage to yourself inorder to be famous.

4. Be all of he above.-If you are all three of the above, you are ready to start beating women off with a stick! Get dressed, wearing a shirt is optional, and go outside and have a great time.

Now for you poor schmucks that are not rich, handsome, or famous, you should be ashamed of yourselves!!!! You make me sick!!!! What? Why don't I use my real picture, instead of a baby, as a profile picture? Ummm, just read the rest of the dang article!

5. Tell women that you buy lots and lots of toliet paper, and that you have many, many spare rolls on hand. Better yet, tell women you have a lot of stock in toliet paper. Ask any married man, especially one with daughters, and he will tell you that women absolutely love toilet paper. In reality, they would rather get a dozen rolls of toliet paper over a dozen long stem roses.

6. Learn to listen, a lot. In fact you should narrow your vocabulary down to just a couple of phrases: Really?; How do you feel about that?; That bitch!; Sorry, you are always right.

7. Always have chocolate on hand.-Women, and most men, love chocolate, and many experts call chocolate an aphrodisiac, so make sure that you always have access to chocolate.

8. Learn how to rub feet and to give massages. They say that the fastest way to a man’s heart is his stomach. I say the fastest way to woman’s heart is through her feet. I do offer the following warning warning though: If you marry this girl, she will want you to rub her feet or massage her all of the time. In that case, it is a good idea to fake a repetitive motion injury.

9. Learn how to look rich without actually being rich. I am sure that there are plenty of hubs that tell you how to do this. I bet you can even read one that will tell you how to do it on a budget. Yes, she will be mad when she finds out that you are not rich, but she really does not have any moral highground to stand on either.

10. Become a bad boy.-The first thing thing I would do is rent out the movie titled The New Guy and watch it. It is a very funny movie, and it will teach you how to be the bad boy! As an aside, two of my ex girlfriends cheated on their bad boy boy friends to go out with me (I did not know they were cheating at the time), Why? Most women who prefer bad boys grow up and realize that bad boys make bad boy friends, lousy husbands, and terrible fathers.

In closing, you are now ready to be a stud muffin! Do not listen to other so called experts, who tell you to be yourself. After all, how has that helped you out so far (unless you have really never introduced yourself).Also, you should not just go up to a girl and say hi. True, if she acts like you are some mutant with zits, you will know she is not interested. And, if she is really mean to you, one will know that she has huge, gooey zits on the inside, and that you just dodged a bullet. Okay, you may also learn that she likes you back, but you might die because of the experience (though I can’t find any proof of anyone doing so). So, do not go up to her in a semi private place and say hi. Do, go up to her in a place where a lot of people are around (so that you can hear a variety of snarky comments), and use the can’t miss pick up line, “You are ugly , but you intrigue me.”

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    • Don Fairchild profile image

      Don Fairchild 4 years ago from Belgrade, ME

      Oh phew! So glad to see this was supposed to be humorous.. For a minute there, I-- well--- Oh never mind...... :-)

    • ubanichijioke profile image

      Alexander Thandi Ubani 4 years ago from Lagos

      Hahaha, you gat it man! I love the infusion of humor. But it is not all about money, handsomeness or being famous cos I have seen people who have none of the above but with good heart, jovial mind and with a good sense of humor still attract women.

      Good job

      Thandi

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 4 years ago

      Although most of this hub appears to be tongue in cheek, the truth is the majority of these suggestions work every single day! One other thing an "average guy" can do is become the "best friend" of the guy that has it going on. Some women are willing to settle for being with someone in the "entourage" if they can't be with the star. lol!

    • Marcus99 profile image

      Is a really great guy 4 years ago from U.S.

      This is definitely gonna help me get that date with Mila Kunis.

    • sen.sush23 profile image

      Sushmita 4 years ago from Kolkata, India

      pmorris, I am sure this information is not going to help me get a 'stud muffin' but I guess your target audience will find it useful, so I clicked on 'useful'. But seriously, these are just about the best directives possible on the matter! Without the pictures the hub would not have been complete. Merry Christmas and good luck to all the young men being tutored by you! ;)

    • pmorries profile image
      Author

      pmorries 4 years ago from Golden, CO

      phdast7. thank you for taking this hub as it is intended...a joke.

    • phdast7 profile image

      Theresa Ast 4 years ago from Atlanta, Georgia

      Patrick - Your usual and well above average commentary and humor. :) Reading your Hubs is always a good time. :) Sharing.

    • Winsome profile image

      Winsome 5 years ago from Southern California by way of Texas

      This was ugly but it intrigued me.

      Just kidding. Very funny and loved the pictures. Oh and one addition, wearing muffin studs in your tuxedo shirt doth not a stud muffin make. =:)