How I Recovered From My Breakup
The Ending of the Beginning
Three and a half years is a long time, yet it seemed to seamlessly fly by as if time was never a factor. We were happy, we lived together, we got two dogs together, we both had plans of getting married, life was grand. Then, my world became a bleak, hazy place seemingly overnight. The love of my life decided that she was moving out. A week later, we broke up. Fast forward about a month of no contact and we're back together. During that month long hiatus, I decided that this was the girl I wanted to marry. So I bought a ring, ask her if we could meet up and I proposed. I had reenacted our first date. I thought it was perfect. Fast forward two weeks and she breaks it off. The day after Valentine's Day. I thought after the initial break up, I would never recover. Now she has ended an engagement before it even had a chance to begin. I cannot tell you what I was feeling. It was a hodgepodge of anger, resentment, depression, temporary relief, sadness and just about any other emotion that you can fathom. I could not wrap my head around it. Worst of all, she initiated both break ups via text. She broke off an ENGAGEMENT through a text message. I decided I needed to start the recovery process ASAP.
I starting reconnecting with old friends and basically just doing things that took my mind off of it. Two weeks later, I was out with some friends and saw (since I never introduced her, we will call her Megan for the sake of the story) Megan out with another man. It was devastating. I couldn't be mad because the night before, I had been on a date. My stomach dropped and I drank myself into a drunken stupor. Weeks after that, I tortured myself by constantly checking her Facebook profile, wondering if this man was still in her life. Then, the Facebook profile picture changed...on both of their pages. Without thinking, I texted her. I asked her a series of questions such as" how could you move on so fast?", "how could you do this after I proposed less than a month and a half ago"? Her responses were "we are just friends", "I haven't moved on", "he's not my boyfriend." It hurt so much and eventually she gave me the spiel of convincing me that maybe we had a chance to get back together. I actually believed everything she was saying. My heart knew better though. I was back to square one, starting the recovery process all over again but with more weight than I had ever carried on my shoulders.
Then one day, I woke up and decided to not let anyone define who I was anymore. The relationship was gone. She was gone. And it was about time that I truly accepted it was over and so I did.
Being Emotionally Dependent on Another Person is a Road that Leads to Nowhere
I had to realize that this was a toxic relationship and you should to. I don't mean that the relationship was bad, but I had to take a step back and really think about why it didn't work out. You have to be honest with yourself about who you are as a person and what you can change to better yourself. Once you can pinpoint why you were so dependent on this person, you can take steps toward changing your outlook on the relationship. Get rid of the resentment and anger and be thankful that it happened sooner rather than later.
Cry. Cry A Lot
My ego took a major hit during the break up. It was a very humbling experience. I put aside my pride and a cried at least once a day for about a week. I am not afraid of admitting this being a man. My point is that you have to let your emotions out in a positive way. Crying is one of the most therapeutic ways to deal with tragedy. Don't be afraid to let it all out but don't dwell on it. You have to realize when enough is enough. I definitely had my pity party which gave me time to reflect on the entire situation at hand and I highly recommend having one for yourself, but only for a very short time. Otherwise, the sadness can quickly turn into depression which can lead to substance abuse and other negative actions.
Rebounding is the Worst Thing You Can Do For Yourself
Everyone has heard the phrase, "in order to get over someone, get under someone else." I did this and honestly, it made the void inside of me feel that much bigger. I just did not have the capacity to invest feelings in someone else. You make comparisons to your ex constantly while trying to maintain a new relationship. It is not only unfair to you but to the other person. I'm not saying that rebounds don't workout in the long haul but chances are very slim. As I mentioned before, you need to learn to be emotionally dependent on yourself in order to start a truly healthy relationship with someone else. I know many people might disagree with me on this but you have to find yourself first before you can find another person.
Become Proactive in Changing Your Life for the Better
Look at the breakup as a jailbreak. I don't mean that in a negative way but understand that you are now independent and you need to start acting like it. Making the mistakes I did by looking at Facebook profiles and occasionally send a text will only forgo the recovery process. Cut all ties and make a conscience effort to move forward with your life.
I started hitting the gym religiously and got my ass in shape. I also started taking my career much more serious and eventually got the raise I had been gunning for. I started focusing on my golf game again and now I am better than I ever have been. These are just a few examples of what I did. Reciprocate these in whatever way you would like. Just constantly keep in mind that you are proactively trying to better yourself as a person and your life as a whole. Look back at the relationship as little as possible and keep your eye on the prize. Those times where you can't help but reminisce on the past, take a look at where you were then and where you are now. It will give you such a clean perspective on everything and you will realize that you are much better off now.
For the Love of God, DO NOT Look at Their Social Media Profiles
This one speaks for itself. It will only lead to heartache. DO. NOT. DO. IT. PERIOD.
The Process is Slow but It WILL Get Better
I'm sure people that have had an experience like I have can go on for days of ways they recovered from a break up. These were just a few of the best ways to hop on the road to recovery. It has been two months since my recovery process started and I'm honestly 100% better than I was then. You will never stop loving the one you cared so deeply for. Always have that place in your heart for them and be happy you are where you are. Things will get better over time but you HAVE to want to succeed. You have two choices: Wallow in self pity for the rest of your life over the one that got away or pick your ass up, dust yourself off and start living your life again without ever looking back. Love will find its way back to you. You have to put faith in yourself and the hand you've been dealt. Trust me, pity parties are the easiest route but who ever said the best road is a cake walk?
© 2016 Ryan Mathers