Determining Your Role at the Start of a Relationship

I am a dominant woman in my relationships, both at work as in my private life. Here I was, 30 years old, and for the first time in my life feeling the need of having a man take care of me. This is something that a few men before had offered me, but something I had never accepted; my mother had brought me up to be a strong and independent woman! And here I was, toying with the idea of starting a relationship with a seemingly very dominant, very tall, Italian man.

I noticed him the first time he walked on the floor. Not because he was handsome, or because he was dressed in a particular way, but because he was so TALL. Don’t get me wrong, I am used to tall men having been born and raised in the Netherlands, but he entered with a group of Italians, his face was extremely Italian, but my prejudice made me look up twice from the work I was doing on my computer screen.

I was in a winding down relationship then, definitely not looking for a new potential mate. But this man, this TALL Italian man, who always said hello to everybody, always a friendly chat or wave, started imprinting in my subconscious. He was often brought up by my team in the most positive way, he was very much appreciated (or maybe that was just in my head). Then came the day, THAT day where he winked at me and my heart skipped a beat. I did not want it to, my relationship had just ended and I did not want to fall so soon. And yet, I couldn't help myself from sending him a friend request that night as soon as I got back home.

As I poured myself a glass of wine, trying to forget about this tall man who winked at me, my phone vibrated; he had already accepted my request and sent a friendly little message. My long anticipated episode of my favourite series would have to wait; the fluttering butterflies in my stomach were not going to let me act cool and not answer immediately.

I suggested meeting up socially very fast, I wanted to get to know this man better. I’m definitely not shy in making the first move with a man, although I honestly did not think anything would develop from this. With all of his tallness and deep voice, he radiated confidence and authority, not like the submissive men I was used too. On the face of it, someone like him never attracted me beyond the physical, but I was going through a stage in my life that allowed space for him in my life.

It took 2 weeks for us to start sleeping together, and another 2 weeks for talks of trying something serious started, and for us to start to really get to know each other.

I had noticed certain behaviours that would have been red flags in the past for me. The fact that he insisted on paying for dinner, on paying for my taxis, at escorting me places, were all signs of ultimate machismo for me. This coupled with the fact that I wanted to enjoy a period of being single after back to back relationships for the past 8 years, made me slightly reluctant to committing to anyone.

But he mentioned commitment, and I thought about it. I thought about how it would be, being in a relationship with this man. A controlling, dominating, dedicated man.

This was the period where I started reevaluating my position, my role as a woman. Mostly, considering the fact that it felt so easy for me to let him take care of me, I had to reevaluate the possibility of being strong and independent, while admitting you need someone who takes care of you.

My whole world turned upside down the evening he asked me, without beating around the bush, if it was what I wanted, being submissive to him. How ever shocked I could've been by this question, I was even less prepared for the answer that slipped out of my mouth without a trace of hesitation: yes.

This is the moment that started a very chaotic, and contemplative period of my life.