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How Owning A Dog Is Similar To Being Married (For Girls Only)

Updated on July 17, 2016

The Marriage Primer

Okay, I am a man. What right do I have writing from a woman's perspective of marriage and dog ownership? In my defense, I've had dogs most of my life - both as a kid and as an adult. I am married. I have also observed my wife's responses to my actions and the dog's actions. Quite frankly, I've seen some really striking similarities. So, for the ladies, if you are heading into a serious relationship and have never owned a dog, I suggest you get one right away.


Everybody Loves The New Pup (Serious Boyfriend)

He just has such an attractive amalgamation of innocents, adventure, playfulness, and loyalty. Mix this together with a bit of social awkwardness and you have an adorable individual. Everything is new for him. He wants to explore his world and with you in it. As you and he adventure into new territory, he looks back at you for concurrence and involvement. You are delighted about the relationship. Furthermore, all of your friends adore him. They remark that he is so cute and fun. They view the two of you as a perfect match.

Okay, there are a few annoying things about him. Everyone should expect that in any relationship. But in your mind, you can change him regarding the ones that annoy you the most. Housebreaking is something everyone should expect, right?. Chewing? He will outgrow it. Jumping up on people? You can stop that. If it is bad enough, you can take him to obedience school (read marriage counseling).


Some Activities Are Just Canine (Masculine)

Sometimes he just gets lost in his own world. He forgets that you are around and plunges into it without you or at least puts you on hold unintentionally. It might be that urge to dig a hole in the backyard or chasing a squirrel along a fence. Sometimes these distractions are short term, like suddenly not listening to you during an important conversation as a sports car pulls up along side you as the two of you are driving somewhere. It can be long term such as a football game with his favorite team playing a critical game towards the play-off. The fact is, you really cannot be part of it and are going to have to let him stay in his own world for a while.

Most of the time, they are hungry and will look for an opportunity to eat. It can start out pretty adorable like begging for a snack. It can get really annoying by digging in the kitchen trash while you are out. The worst is that he got loose and came home with an extended stomach after eating who knows what. Likewise, he eats the last one of whatever it was you were saving and did not ask you. The worst is that he cooked something for himself and the "clean-up" would never pass a health inspection.

Pups, when excited, dribble pee. The first time it is kind of cute. Later, it gets a bit annoying. The good news is that it is never very much and the pup outgrows it. Men, on the other hand, never outgrow it and it gets worse as they get older.


Look Ma! I Rolled In Something Dead!

If there is something dead in your yard or some other gross thing, you dog will find it and roll in it. The action is universal. It starts with a sniff investigation, then rolling on it with one shoulder, then outright rubbing their entire back on it. When the rolling is complete, they come up with this accomplished look on their face - sometimes accompanied by a sneeze. At that point they are ready to enter the house. Men are exactly like this; it is just more sophisticated. It always involves something outside that is gross and smells. Ultimately they bring themselves and "it" into your clean house. It can something as simple mowing the lawn and dragging in lawn clippings mixed with the smell of fresh summer sweat. It could be that he fixed the car and came in with greasy hands and left grease on the door knob and who-knows-what-else he touched. Sportsman? Hey, those fish had to be cleaned in the kitchen sink. Hunter? Ah, nothing like coming home from that successful deer hunting trip and hanging that deer in the garage and putting cloths in the hamper with that unique field dressed smell. If he is a Southerner and got a feral hog, the problem is amplified ten fold.


Most women really are not focused on sex in the relationship. However, once married it provides a new dialogue with their married girlfriends. So that is something you girls have to look forward to. Guys would never discuss sex regarding their wives among their guyfriends. It really does not enter their minds and is really not socially acceptable - not to mention the repercussions they would have from their wives. For married women among themselves, it is okay if you speak in generalities.

Anyway, back to dog ownership and sex. If you are single and want to understand your potentially future husband's sex drive, I recommend you get a male puppy. Don't neuter him. In about six months we will start humping your leg at the most inappropriate times. That pretty much sums up a husband's sex drive. You have your work cut out for you because the biggest difference is that ultimately, you can neuter the dog.


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