How To Be A Real Man

Updated on December 2, 2010

I like men. Wait, let me rephrase that: I like real men. At the time of my birth, real men were on already on their way out, but there were still a good number around. Today this breed is all but extinct. Darwin may have had a point or two about biological evolution (although, obviously, he wasn't entirely correct about everything, as we are now discovering -- more on that some other time) but it's the evolution of character that matters most.

Sadly, the majority of the male sex seems to have come to a complete standstill in that regard, apart from those who have actually turned round and started some sort of bizarre regression. And before you ask, this isn't about homosexuality; I've probably seen more gay men who embody my ideal of what a real man should be. And yes, I've met a few straight men who I'd label real men, as well -- but I've not encountered such men in a very long time and, frankly, I'm starting to lose hope. If you happen to possess all of these characteristics, or even a few, I'd be very, very impressed.

Real men are not bigots.

Real men do not say stupid things about anyone based on stereotypes. This means that real mean do not say horrible things about, or make fun of, people for their race, sex or religion. Bigotry is always based on ignorance, which is never a sexy quality.

Real men do not lie.

Simple as.

Real men do not cheat.

A real man does not have extramarital affairs. Nor does he cheat on his girlfriend, as both signify rather a weak character. A real man would have the the courage to end the relationship if he was no longer in love, or he would have the self-control to keep his pants on if he was.

Real men do not force their views onto others.

It's one thing to tell your Muslim neighbor that you believe Jesus saved the world and you're there for Mr. Muslim if he'd like to convert to Christianity. It's another thing entirely to harass the poor man until he finally moves just to be free of your preaching. Real men recognize that free-will is essential to the human spirit, and he also realizes that all views are tolerable, provided they are not being espoused by persons encouraging harm.

Real men support their children.

Real men are there for their kids, whether they were planned or not and irrespective of their geographical location. If you're a father who leaves his child to be raised by your ex and then falls into the background until adulthood, you're a poor excuse for a father, and you're an even worse excuse for a man. I accept that some men are incapable of demonstrating proper levels of affection, but there is never, ever, an excuse for not being actively involved in your child's life. And if you claim your ex is preventing you from doing so, scroll up to number two.

Real men take responsibility for their actions.

Real men do not blame society, their parents, the man, or anything else for their mistakes. Real men, when questioned about something which is obviously their fault, don't reply with, "Yes, I made an error in that report, but Andy in Accounting was distracting me at the time I did it." Real men realize that only they, themselves, are responsible for their own behavior.

Real men do not whinge when faced with a problem.

Real men do not kick the dirt, stop their feet and ask, "Why me?" when their girlfriend reveals that she's pregnant. A real man doesn't blame her for it, as he realizes the conception was far from immaculate. A real man simply deals with the situation head on, as opposed to wasting precious time complaining or wondering how the situation arose in the first place.

Real men do not hit women.

Unless a GlOW girl has you in a headlock, a real man doesn't hit a woman, nor does he physically intimidate or threaten her. (Erm, unless she's really kinky like that, and some women are...) In war settings, obviously, different rules will apply and those women should be prepared and know what they can expect. But with regards to domestic violence, no real man ever hit a woman. This doesn't mean a man should let a woman hit him, either, but if you're capable of restraining her, that's what you do -- and then you get a new girlfriend, cos that one's got issues.

Real men do not hit other men unless provoked.

Again, war settings are different for obvious reasons, but real men don't get into barfights or other situations either. This isn't because they are wussies; it's because they have self-control and don't have anything to prove because they are already perfectly self-confident. It is never sexy to see a man hurt someone. Self-defense is perfectly understandable, but blatant violence never is.