How To Give Up Lying In Your Relationship
So, you have reached a point in your relationship, where the lies you have told are catching up with you?! Many will tell you that you shouldn't have lied in the first place. And they are right. But the fact is that most people do lie at the beginning of their relationships. I know its unfair and it shouldn't be this way at all. Lying and/or cheating is the commonest cause of break-ups all over the world. You can't lie all your life. And even if you do, sooner or later you will be caught - with your pants around your feet - so to speak.
You might be a perfectly regular person, with a heart of pure gold. And you might have lied for perfectly sound reasons - sound to you , that is. None of that is going to matter once your significant other learns of your dishonesty and treachery.
The question is: What can you do now, when either you are tired of the lies or the lies are getting tired of you?
Is there a way to save the relationship, despite your double-faced, lying/cheating ways? Is there hope for the future? Is it possible to stop now and control the damage? Or is it better to end the deal because facing up to the questions and hurt and anger of your partner is too much for you? Is your partner going to stay with you, respecting your new found dignity and integrity? Or are you going to be unceremoniously dumped for your deeds? And most importantly, should you continue lying???
Well, a lot of it depends on what your relationship is like. It must have gotten pretty serious by now for you to be contemplating this, right? I can't guarantee the results. No one can. But the best way to go is to come clean as soon as possible. It might very well save your relationship, and yes, you can and should stop now. Ending the relationship out of shame is a sad way to handle things, a cowardly and sneaky approach to life and people which doesn't factor-in other people's feelings and decisions. Do NOT continue to lie, its going to burst in your face one day. Admit your faults. It will save everyone a lot of heartache later on. How the wronged party reacts isn't in your control. There are, however, some techniques that will help you break the news of your dishonesty gently and with fewer consequence, I hope. Coming clean sounds noble, and it is. But it isn't easy. Far from it. Its the toughest thing you've ever done. You need mega-reserves of courage, resolve and strength to make things right.
- Prepare your partner for the blow. Tell them tales of other liars and see how they react. Is the primary reaction disgust or outrage? Indifference or silence? Silence, by the way, can be ominous, as chances are you are already scoring high on the lie-o-meter. Make a date with your significant other for a heart-to-heart and face-to-face. Let them know that its going to be a serious discussion, and that it needs to happen. Don't forget to reassure that it has nothing to do with anything they might have done. And that you aren't planning on calling it quits either.
- On the D-day, re-affirm your love and the intensity of your feelings. Talk about what you like the most in your partner and why you are committed to making it work. Take a stroll, in a relatively private place. Its easier to vent while walking. And its harder to direct all energies towards anger while in motion. So, chances are you'll be saved the punch!
- Talk about yourself a bit, about what you have learned and gained from your relationship. Mention your flaws and your partner's patience and willingness to accept you as you are.
- Now say what needs to be said. Start with an apology. Give the other person- a human being and your victim- credit and space. Explain the reasons and your thoughts surrounding the lies and the fears you had about telling the truth. Don't ask that they forgive you right away. Just say your piece and restate your commitment and desire to continue. Promise that you'll never be dishonest again and mean it. Try not to become angry yourself when you are called names or if the love of your life simply walks off.
- If you know your girl/guy at all, you'll know exactly what will comfort them: Venting their anger at you, kicking inanimate objects, screaming, walking away, space, time or just a hug. Remember, you are in the wrong and you need to take full responsibility for whatever happens as a result of your lies.
- Expect bitterness and distrust for quite a while even if your girlfriend/boyfriend decides to keep you. Frankly, you will need to build the relationship from the scratch in terms of trust and respect. Oh! And make damned sure that nothing like that ever happens again. Human beings are unpredictable, so there's a chance that your shot at honesty will end in a break-up. But so will your getting caught. Admitting your mistakes shows that you realize them, and that you respect your lover enough to put everything on the line. Just to do right by them!
Whatever happens in the end, you should be proud of yourself for having the insight to realize your mistakes. For having the spine to come clean. For having the dignity and resolve to rectify them. And for possessing the strength to face the music.