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How To Ruin A First Date For Dummies
There are many ways to improve your first date experience, ranging from being groomed and properly dressed to avoiding subjects such as previous relationships and trigonometry. But you don't want to improve the first date. You want to ruin it and I take it upon myself to show you the ways of the secret skill that is date ruining. Not because I am autodestructive. I'll do it for the giggles.
The Four Tips
So, start off with a shower right before the date followed with at least 2 minutes of toothbrushing and flossing. Make your hair and beard tidy and well waxed. Now take these tips and throw them in the trash.
Nothing, and let me repeat that for dramatical value, nothing says "I'm the perfect man for you mon cherrie" like smelling bad and looking worse does. Don't shower at least a week before the date, wear flippers on socks. A matching tracksuit does wonders as well.
ADVANCED: Make sure you have stains from at least 5 different sorts of food on your outfit. Why? Prestige points, son, prestige points.
Time & space of the date
8PM at a fancy restaurant nearby? Of course not. Are you trying to make the date go well? Arrange a date at 10AM. Yes, 10 AM. Where? Your choice, but I recommend the nearby hot-dog stand. Trust me, nothing brings a weirder expression on a woman's face than two plastic chairs next to a hot-dog stand. Precious. If you are a hopeless romantic like me, bring a plastic house plant and place it between the chairs. Why? Prestige points.
Food & Drinks
A friend of mine said to me once, "Saint, when you are on a date with a girl always let her order first. Then order the very same thing. Trust me". Back then, I thought of it as great advice. Now, I look at it with a sincere chuckle, for truly I was unexperienced. You order first. You order for her to. Women like a man who makes decisions in her stead. Call the waiter, loudly. Ignore the standard waiter comments like "this is a hot dog stand". Order two hot dogs. When you are done and it is time to pay, frantically search your pockets for a wallet, then make her pay.
Taking her home
You are telling me that she still didn't leave after the yoghurt stained tracksuits and hot dog stand date at 10 PM? Not that I don't believe you but let's just say that this part of the text exists only for conclusion purposes. Hate to leave something half-done. So, you take her home and walk her to her doors. You feel the momment, it's gonna happen. The kiss. She goes for only a peck on the cheek. Interrupt that. Remember, you decide in stead. Shoot your hand forwards and say goodbye in the most high class manner you can pull off. Catch her off guard you know! Why? Prestige points. Of course.
Time & Date
Food & Drinks
10 AM - 3 PM
A formal gretting only.
Food stained, smelly clothes
Flip the game 'round.
That's all folks!
Hope you enjoyed the read and if you ever do anything off the list I sincerely recommend you get help.