Catch Him in the Act: How To Spy on Your Spouse--Your Husband That Is

Got a sneaky husband?

Don't know if he's up to something?

Do you find yourself wondering if 'the local Lewinsky' is making leud advances on your one-and-only lifetime lover?

Here are a few things every woman can do to check up on her hubby and settle her unsettling suspicions.

Get yourself a fingerprinting kit like they have on CSI. Then, when the scoundrel gets home, 'dust' his briefcase, shoes, watch and any other 'dustable' items for prints. Next, arrange to have tea with the woman you suspect he is seeing. Unobtrusively put the cup she uses into your purse and take it home with you so you can dust it for her prints. This way you will be able check all his personal items for areas where 'she' has come into contact with 'him'.

Sometimes you just need to run a security check, so to speak on you husband to gather a little 'intelligence' on his activities when he is not around you. To put it bluntly--to see what he's playing at. Not that you are suspicious--just that while watching television or a film where they use the word 'codenamed such and such', you get the idea you should probably get a little report on your man called James, or Robert, or Milton, since after all you are married and it's your job to keep him from straying too far and getting exposed to temptation. You're the wife. That's your role and being a man, wandering is his wont.

Super-powered binoculars are a great tool but are best used from a rooftop of a neigbooring office building to where your hubby's office/cubicle is located. It is handy to have a camera attached to the binoculars to catch his 'moments of infidelity'. Simply set-up a tripod and watch his every move. If you get questioned by the building superintendent, tell him you are a bird-watcher looking for pigeons.

Mountain climbing gear is always useful when tracking the 'stray husband's antics' and you would be well-advised to take some lessons first so that you can properly carry out this form of 'spy activity'. If you learn to use pitons and ropes you will be able to safely swing yourself into position just beside his office window from which vantage point you can 'peek' and 'snoop' for hours at a time. Take some lunch and watch out for window washers. They can get mean if they think you are competing with their service.

Yes, it does sound cliche, but keyhole peeping, or as it is known in the spy-world, "peeping though keyholes" is one of the best ways to keep that man down on the farm after he's been up to no good. If you peep on him when he thinks he is being unobserved, he will inevitably give himself away. He may do many things you wish you never saw or heard of course, that's the way men are when they think they are alone, but in the end you just may uncover a dirty little secret your unsuspecting husband has been thinking he is getting away with.

Keyhole peeping is one technique worth a look!

Disguises are an essential when chasing down your frisky husband without his knowledge. For this I suggest changing your sex by:

--wearing a full beard (black is best because 'it goes with everything')

--cutting off your hair (Marine butch-cut is the most effective)

--add inches to your height by wearing hiking boots with very thick insoles. (Unless of course you are a tall woman, in which case you will want to shorten your stature. Do this by crouching and putting a pillow under your coat to pose as a hunchback.)

Disguises are great devices in that they allow you to follow the culprit anywhere including the men's room and smokey sport's bars. (For this reason you may need to learn to spit and scratch yourself to really pass yourself off as member of the grosser sex.)

If you suspect him of having more than one liaison (the dirty animal) you can get yourself some spray-on flypaper and give ALL his clothes a once-over. (Including underwear--it's where you are most likely to find damning evidence!) Then, when he comes home, he will come home not just with the blond secretary's hair on his sweater, but all and any hair that happened to fall his way on his little escapades. You can now calmly sit down with him and demand him to explain away each and every hair. You will find that more than just hair sticks to his clothes this way, and the volume of 'clues' will be truly impressive.

I know of one woman who discovered, after using this particular device, that her husband was not cheating at all, but rather visiting the Monkey House at the zoo, for what reason she has yet to pry out of him.