How You Can Have Both Peace in Your Family and Fun on The Beach at The Same Time

It’s the quintessential yearly-event: The husband, wife, and two kids, ages seven and eight, going on their family vacation. Oh, what fun. Both parents have worked like dogs all year for this week-off to enjoy whatever freedom they get away from the jobs they hate just to do one thing: Relax. Ahhh, even the word, re—la—x, makes me drowsy and ready to fall asleep.

Be honest. Have you ever just sat back and watched the following scene unfold: Here comes dad shadowing middle-age, hair thinning, girth bigger than a year ago, carrying the two-person cooler by himself, plus floatees to blow-up with his own aching lungs (thanks to smoking cigarettes), a big beach umbrella, and a case of soda.

Mom follows behind with no lies about her age, she still has a knock-out figure, but that brunette hair is not natural. She carries a portable CD player, three iPads, binoculars, two adult floats that hubby will blow-up (if he doesn’t have a cardiac arrest from blowing up the kids’ Spongebob and Patrick floatees), sun screen, and beach blankets.

What a typical American scene. If I were a noted, respected critic, I would replace the standard “American Gothic,” (by Grant Wood) with this event—the husband’s resentment (not hidden from his face) from being used for a pack mule, the two spoiled youngsters whining over and over about the same thing, “We want Disneyland . . .We want Disneyland,” they are so annoying they even complain in perfect harmony. And mom secretly-enjoying those lustful looks from the “20 something,” guys who think her bikini fits just right. (if they only knew of the body cleanses, diet rituals, fasts, and hours spent in the sauna, they might not think the bikini is so hot).

You have to look closely to really see what is happening. Mom and dad have grown apart over the years. Sad, if you ask me. They are slaves of their jobs and maxed-out credit cards thanks to the kids needing name-brand shoes, clothes, and computers for Christmas. To say nothing about their addiction of “Keeping up with everyone,” in the neighborhood—when “Dick” and “Fifi,” got a new BMW, this man and woman “had” to trade in their Camry that was paid-off all because of “Dick’s” lust for a BMW? I wonder if the man and woman heading down to the surf side ever thought of “Dick’s” job paying more than their jobs. Could explain the new BMW?

These hopelessly-in-debt, resentful, couples are after one thing: She wants to lie on her back and deepen her tan and not to have to talk to the husband or kids at all. You could say the same about the husband, but he “does” love his children, but not that much right now. His thing is to gaze at other gorgeous girls ‘til his heart is content while the two children knock themselves out building sand castles, riding their wave boards, playing with their iPads—anything to keep them busy and not bothering him.

Sadly, both this woman and man said goodbye to their youth many years ago. No wonder they both live on anti-depressants. They always see “Dick” and “Fifi,” out walking, jogging, eating right and acting positive. Then they look at each other, then into the full-length mirror in their bedroom and I should stop right here, for the rest of this paragraph is beginning to make “me” depressed.

With that being said. This piece is hopefully a help for both the man and woman—to enjoy, if only in a spark, some of their vim and vigor they would pay a year of “Dick’s” salary to have again.

“How You Can Have Both, Peace in Your Family and Fun on The Beach at The Same Time,”

can be accomplished if you, the man and woman, will quit “Over-Dreaming,” and face reality and dream some realistic-dreams.

To the woman first:

• If you enjoy “those” looks from the “20 something’s,” there is no harm in you walking up to them and ask directions to the showers, but first, make sure they are not right in front of you otherwise you will look foolish.
• Ask one of them if he would be so kind as to rub some sun screen on your back, but emphasize, “That’s it,” and wink at him.
• If this event happens, join with him in some real conversation. Fact: It might make you wish you were talking to your husband because, dearie, you and this young man are definitely in a “Culture Gap.”
• If talking to your husband turns you off, simply turn from on your back to on your side and act as if you were asleep, but you better be without a conscience because you will feel guilt in its worst forms because you know that he doesn’t drink, yes, he smokes, he doesn’t gamble, go with the guys on a “Guys’ Weekend,” to hunt girls, so be careful if you act asleep. It would be nobler to just tell him you are not in the mood for talking.
• If you miss the company of other women, I am sure that you could find plenty of women on the beach who are there for the same reason you are: A short escape from being a wife and mother.

And now for the man . . .

• If your kids annoy you into playing with them . . .do it. Your wife will not gripe at you for being selfish on the way home.
• As you are chasing the kids in a game of “Tag,” and you see a pretty girl walking your way, go ahead. Suck-in your stomach. What harm will you be doing? She is only going to get a laugh from a man your age trying to impress a girl of her youth.
• If one of your kids should hurt their foot, you hurry and kneel down and talk softly to them. Fact: women, I have been told, love sensitive guys. That’s enough of this sentence.
• And if the child that is mildly-injured is not one of your kids, but a very hot blonde’s son just down the beach, well, this event “might” lead to something you have never done, but be aware of the consequences. Think wisely.
• “If,” and I mean a huge “if,” a very pretty woman, your age, stops where you are watching the kids and asks, “I hate to be this way, but may I buy you a drink?” Just smile and get hold of your feelings and reply, “I am very flattered, but after 22 years of marriage, and two children, I still love my wife.” (Get ready to get the kids and leave). I have seen instances the woman proposing to buy a married guy a drink will say, “Ohhh, I think you are so sexy and hot—to still love your wife. Not many guys are like that.” Why are you still standing there?

Coming soon . . .”10 Bad Things That Can Happen at a Funeral.”