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How and Why To Respect Him When You Don't Want To

Updated on September 14, 2012


This article is not intended for those in physically, mentally, emotionally, or sexually abusive relationships. If you are in an abusive relationship please seek help to get yourself out & safe!

He Makes Me So Mad!

Why should I respect him when he hasn't earned it? He doesn't deserve my respect after what he's done and what he's put me through!

Have you ever felt this way in your relationship? Are you in a long term commitment with a husband or boyfriend and you are having a difficult time respecting him?

Do you find yourself hurt, angry, or upset by some of the more insensitive things he says and does?

Is it a struggle for you more often than not to find something good or positive to say about the man you love?

Why Respect Him If He Hasn't Earned It?

As angry and frustrated as he makes you at times, he is your choice and you love him. He might be a big block head, but he's your block head.

Respect for men is like conversation for women. It's that important!

Think of how it feels when you try to talk to him and he doesn't want to listen. You feel hurt, rejected, sad, overwhelmed, frustrated, confused... or any number of other negative and uncomfortable feelings. It just feels nasty! You want to be heard. You want to be able to share with your partner all of the things that are important to you as well as just have some nice intellectual stimulation from time to time. You need to vent your frustrations. You need to share your day. Sure, you could accomplish all of that with one of your girlfriends, but it isn't the same. You want him... you need him to be open to listening to whatever it is that you want and need to share, right?

That same gross feeling you get when he doesn't provide that for you is the same way he feels when you don't show him respect.

He feels like he's letting you down, like he's a failure. He feels taken for granted, unappreciated, and unwanted. He may become insecure (or more insecure). He will withdraw and become more distant because one of his biggest needs isn't being met!

So, why respect him if he hasn't earned it? Because it is the biggest, most important way that he can see and feel your love for him. Without it, he is lost.

He Can't Fill Your Needs If His Tank Is Empty:

The very thing you may be upset about is that he isn't filling your needs. Perhaps it is even that he doesn't listen to you. Whatever the case may be, men generally operate under the same format. He cannot take care of your needs if he doesn't feel good enough about himself.

Men tend to look at themselves before others, while women tend to look at others before themselves when it comes to meeting needs. When his basic needs aren't being met by you he becomes drained and lethargic. He doesn't have the strength it takes to do it. He doesn't have the belief that he can be successful at it. The poor guy is just sitting there thinking he is a failure in your eyes.

He might get depressed, angry, defensive, or distant. Each guy shows this insecurity in different ways. He might pick you apart and tell you everything you are doing wrong. That is so that the focus will be taken off of himself and placed somewhere else because the pain he feels is just unbearable.

Best Ways To Show Respect:

While it might seem downright unfair that you (yet again) have to be the "bigger person", you're a woman. It comes with the territory. You can do this and it will be worth it, trust me.

Prepare & Be Pro-Active:

  1. Vent with a girlfriend before approaching him on anything that is a touchy subject between the 2 of you. If he has forgotten to take out the trash for the umpteenth time ~ tell your friend, not him. Don't say anything negative to him about it. ( It's difficult and it sucks, but it works)
  2. Call for a break or "time-out" when you feel yourself getting angry. This will prevent either of you at lashing out and saying anything hurtful. Again, call a girlfriend, write it down, or go for a walk and have a conversation in your head. Just don't take it out on him. Wait until you are calm before approaching him.
  3. When asking him to do something: chores, errands, or favors; always use your manners and in the event he declines, accept it with grace. Reacting negatively will only reinforce that it is something he wants to stay away from.
  4. When asking him to do chores or errands ~ give clear, simple, limited instructions (if needed). Men just want it "to the point". Also, give them one at a time, or with a bullet point list. Men aren't multi-taskers, they like to focus on a single task at once.

Praise and Appreciation:

  1. Always thank him for things he does that you would like him to do again! Putting his dish in the sink, picking up his dirty laundry off the floor, anything and everything. Thanking him shows him you have seen and appreciated his efforts. It makes him feel successful, noticed, and appreciated. He will go where the "thanks" are and stay away from where he gets none.
  2. Seek out any possible good. The more time you spend telling him what a good job he's doing, the more confidence he will have to revisit the areas he may be neglecting. When he feels like he can succeed, he will expand his limits to accomplish even more for you.
  3. Praise him in front of others. The biggest ego boost and way for him to feel like a winner in your eyes is to tell others about the good things he has done. When you brag about him to his friends or his family you just sent him soaring up in a rocket ship and now he's on top of the world! There isn't anything he wouldn't do for you when he feels like this.

Forgive Him

You love the man. Forgive him. You know he's going to screw up and make mistakes, everyone does. What is more important: holding onto a grudge, or enjoying one another?

You have the right to be mad, upset, hurt, or frustrated when he does something that provoker those feelings. It's what you do with them that makes all the difference.

Don't miss out on all of the good stuff because you're so busy hanging onto the bad. You'll both be miserable, and who wants that?


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    • Mom Kat profile image

      Mom Kat 5 years ago from USA

      Thank you Lipnancy. You're so right about it being a higher energy :)

      The only way to change the results is to change the way you handle the situation. Thanks for the comment.

    • Lipnancy profile image

      Nancy Yager 5 years ago from Hamburg, New York

      We can really only change ourselves. A woman can never really change her spouse. You see as we change our energy into thankfulness and praise (a much higher energy complaining and criticism), the people around us can only change or fall away. Loved your hub.

    • Mom Kat profile image

      Mom Kat 5 years ago from USA

      I appreciate your skepticism Diana Lee. You're right, not every man is the same. However, I would question the motives of a man who remains un-waveringly insensitive after this type of respect & positive attitude. Sometimes "I love you" actually means ~ "I love the love that you are giving me". In those cases, it wouldn't matter how much you give. He is only in it for what he can get out of it. Thanks for the comment :)

    • Diana Lee profile image

      Diana L Pierce 5 years ago from Potter County, Pa.

      This is good information, Mom Kat. I'm sure all of these suggestions will work on some men, but some men will let you pick up after them forever. I praise any woman who can change them.