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How not to break down after a break-up

Updated on September 6, 2011

How not to break down after a break-up

It’s like you’ve lost an arm or a leg or your head and you feel like a chicken just after your head has fallen off the chopping board. You metaphorically bleed and jump here and there, whirl around your world with the blood all over the floor. Break-up is worse than death. Or close to death. The break-up aftermath is a terrible time. People around you give you all sorts of advice. “Move on” is an advice you hear from the four directions of the sun. “Go to hell, you guys, who know nothing about pain” is something you shout quietly when you are in a crowd of familiar faces. You feel so lost.

Yes, break-up means something broke and things are never the same again.

Different people handle break-ups differently. One may just keep quiet about the whole thing and go on with work with all the stress, the sense of rejection and the loneliness flowing along with the 8:00 AM to 5:00 PM work. The pain is at night when one is alone with oneself. Some people describe evenings after a break-up as the height of torment. Some would flirt into a new relationship too soon with the notion that with a new relationship forgetting will be quick. Others cry and cry every time something triggers the images of loss. Others would keep pouring their pain on friends until the friends get so exhausted they feel almost unwilling to drown in the outpouring.

It’s a fact. When someone leaves you or the other way around for one reason or another the experience leaves a hole in your heart. For a time, the hole never gets filled up even with a thousand roses. But there are ways to move on away from the pain and loneliness of a break-up that people learned from experience and are just too willing to share the lessons. It’s not as if you have no choice but to wince in pain after a break up. You have a choice. There are many lessons to pick up.

Lesson number 1: Never make the mistake of jumping into a new relationship

A relationship built on need is not sustainable. Once the need to ease the pain and the loneliness subsides, another demand from the new partner rears its ugly head. And the cycle of breaking up continues.

Lesson number 2: Never entertain thoughts that work against your own well-being.

Allowing thought patterns of having been rejected leads to another self-defeating thought.

“I’m not good enough for him”

“I’m not lovely enough for him”.

“I’m not rich”.

The whirling cycle of negative thoughts give birth to myriads of fresh negative thoughts and feelings. What should you do then? Explore Yoga, Taichi, Zen, Aerobics and all other body-mind activities that will align your energies and your thoughts and lead you to give birth to a fresh you. Here’s another thing that you can do: There’s nothing like a long walk under the early morning or late afternoon sun. The activity eases physical tensions and even sexual tensions, mind you, and the mind is somehow freed from negative thoughts because of the oxygen supply that fills the brain.

Lesson number 3: Explore the principles of Gender Equality

In most break-ups, it’s the woman who feels a sense of being diminished especially if the relationship has reached a certain level of physical intimacy. The feeling comes from the stereotyping of women as objects. The notion that a woman should be a virgin before marriage stems from a mindset that compares women with breakable objects. Physical intimacy is viewed as “brokenness” on the part of a woman but not so on the part of a man. Part of a woman’s torment after a break up stems from society’s double standard in passing judgment on women.

Freeing the female force inside every woman is being able to view one’s womanhood and dignity in a co-equal plane with men. For instance, when women are perceived to have been diminished by a particular act in relation with men, men too get diminished. Male and female dignity is one and the same. Both men and women should take care that human dignity is upheld in whatever area of one’s life.

The walk to gender equality by society in general is still millions of miles away but on the individual level, you can hasten the coming of that longed for equality. You have not been diminished after a relationship whether you have been through very intimate activities. You have only acquired pearls of wisdom from the pain. So, after a break-up, your tears are pearls actually. Design these jewels fitting for a child of the universe.

Lesson number 4: Connect with Mother Nature

Most of the time we overlook the vast source of energy which is the universe. Instead we compete for love, attention, esteem and acceptance from fellow humans. No wonder the energy of love, attention, esteem and acceptance that we think we so badly need are no longer available because of the fierce competition for these energies. And yet, around us and inside ourselves is a vast resource just waiting to be tapped. We just need to empty ourselves of all the mental noise that we live with every day. Imagine you are a part of a nurturing forest; of a free cloud providing a contrast to the blue sky; of a flower that fills you with hope when you look at its gift of colors offered to you in total abandon. When you go deep into the quiet place of your mind and connect with all the beauty and freshness of the universe, something in you wakes up to the truth that you are a part of a great lovely whole called life. The moment you think of yourself as separate, meaning, you think you are better or less than others, these sense of separateness makes you want to devour all the esteem, love or attention of others. You will never feel filled up even if you spend all your life fighting for the attention, love or esteem that you need.

People who believe that the trees, rain, sunlight and every aspect of life is an energy resource and therefore know how to access energy from these resources, do not feel so deprived and excluded. To them giving and sharing come naturally. Competing for attention or love doesn’t bother them. What they prioritize in their lives is the alignment of their inner purpose with the purpose of all life: Loving oneself and others. Both are aligned with one’s inner purpose and the universal purpose of humankind being one and therefore not separate parts of one reality. Men and women are beautiful parts of a wonderful whole called life, not separate islands competing against each other. With this view, you can easily heal the wounded connection caused by the break-up. You don’t need to be personally present in the life of the one you broke away from but you can be spiritually present in his life. Not hating him but listening to your inner knowing is being present in his life even though your path will not personally cross again. This feeling of having spiritual connection is a healing fountain. This sense of inner knowing makes you intuitively understand that the other person has his own path to tread, not necessarily with you forever.

The colors of nature soothes the weary heart. We can take refuge in them whenever we want. Here are representations of that loveliness. Thanks to Flickr’s Creative Commons’photo sharing service for these photographs. Please just click the links below for the photographs:

Lesson number 5: Learn a new skill

When you are so down to be unable to appreciate your talents and gifts, flow with the pain for sometime. Don’t grab just any reason to explain your pain. A cerebral approach will bring you a lot of mental noise which, all the more, will steal your peace. Do deep breathing exercises under the early morning sun. Let your tears flow if they threaten to fall. Let your tear glands carry out their role efficiently. But don’t stay that way for so long. Learn any new skill that you think would be close to your heart. A new language, perhaps, ballroom dancing, playing a musical instrument, flower arrangement ….. ad infinitum. That something inside yourself metaphorically broke down is a moment of emotional disability. In disability, there is what we call Residual Functional Capacity. A capacity remains even if you feel that nothing matters anymore. When you are teetering towards depression, remember the natural law of residual functional capacity. If you lose a leg, there is the other leg that remains. If you lose your eyes, you have your palms to let you find your way. So it is with your emotions. Something remains strong and able. You can learn a new skill.

Lesson number 6: Never hate men and never say “Never Again”.

The initial words of many women after a break-up is: “ Men, oh, they are all the same”, meaning, men are out to break your heart. This is understandable when said at the peak of one’s emotional turbulence. But if this becomes a part of a woman’s thought pattern after a break-up, the pain has not contributed to the person’s growth.

It’s true, patriarchy, under which machismo rears its ugly head, is one of the root causes of the oppression and pain of women. But a determinist outlook won’t help society evolve into a more caring and fair emotional landscape. There is always hope for a joint

effort with men in making this world a welcoming place for men and women. A break-up can lead women and men to their higher selves thereby adding positive energies to the world.

Lesson number 7: Unearth your vast reserve of Literature and Music

Reading is a consistent healer. Look for great works that surface the triumph of the human spirit over ordinariness and mediocrity. Aim high at getting to know human nature and humanity. Scour every nook and cranny for that gem of thought that you want to get hold of.

Great writers of biographical novels contribute a lot to people’s recovery from pain. In their novels, they show the ups and downs of people. Listen to the characters in the novels. Feel their pain. Feel their joy. Their story could be your story with just a little twist. When the triggers of loneliness come with the afterglow, take a walk and enjoy the

breeze. Unleash the energy of your imagination. Think of the breeze as a happy messenger bringing you scents and good news. If there are birds on the trees by the wayside, imagine you are in their company with not a care in the world.

Read poetry. The good ones, I mean. Even revolutions against tyrants start from a moving poem. The shedding of pain too can start from a poem.

Don’t forget. Music, like time, is an excellent healer. You can’t explain why after listening to a beautiful music you realize something in you has changed. Music is a language that cannot be spoken in any other way. Music melts anxiety and anger.

It resonates with the finest dimension of the self. . How can we not be healed by music?

Lesson number 8: Keep a Journal

The mere act of moving the pen and writing thoughts from the heart is already a transforming act. Writing a journal is a chance for being honest with yourself.

You don’t need to let someone read your journal. That is a record of your most private thoughts and feelings. Its purpose is to make you release any pent up feeling. It makes you put into paper what would have just stayed in your mind.

Through a journal, you can keep track of your emotional and mental journey. So, if you haven’t kept a journal yet, start after reading this article.

Lesson number 9: Try the Emotional Freedom Technique

The emotional freedom technique (EFT) discovered by Gary Craig

is a very helpful self-healing technique. It is grounded on the principles of Chinese traditional medicine. Meridians of energy are the bases of the EFT healing technique.

Practitioners and advocates of EFT are all over the world. Try EFT. You don’t need to believe in the technique at the start. Just try it and find out if it is for you.

Lesson number 8: Exercise

This age old activity is integral to good health not only of the body but also of the mind. Try running or walking fast when you are stressed. Before you know it, you are already feeling better. You don’t need to go to a gym and spend money. Brisk walking, dancing and many other exercises don’t entail expenses. They just entail a consistent will power.

Lesson number 9: Create the reality you want

The mind is everything. What you think you become is an ancient saying. Mahatma

Gandhi of India has been saying this but this thought was much older than Gandhi.

There is a popular theory now called Quantum Mechanics which explains that all matter in the physical world is energy. Emotions, thoughts, physical reality – these are all energy

and this can be created and recreated. You can see through your mind’s eye what it is that you want to become. Imagine that the reality you want to happen is already happening.

For example, the reality you want to create is a state of your mind that you are no longer bothered by the pain of the past. You can create that reality by setting aside a time of the day for visualizing with feeling the reality you want. Express your visualization in the present tense.

Make a vision board of the reality you are creating. Look at your vision board at least 3 times a day. A vision board is something you can design and save in your email.

Quantum mechanics tells us that creating the reality we want in our mind attracts the people, places and things that we want to happen in our lives. If done consistently,

the manifestation part of your creation work doesn’t take a long time.

So, there you are, you can be a much better person after a break-up.

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    • profile image

      dona africa 

      6 years ago

      thanks so mch.after the first reading i felt relieved off a burden.may God bless the works of ur hands abundantly.

    • profile image

      Break Up, Don't Break Down 

      8 years ago

      This is a fantastic blog! A book that may be of interest is - Break Up, Don't Break Down. It is a newly released book that is very insightful and helps women with the realities and aftermath of complex relationship issues. It emphasizes the basics, in a user-friendly manual, to guide women of all backgrounds, ages and ethnicities through the breakup process.

    • franciaonline profile imageAUTHOR


      8 years ago from Philippines

      Hi Teresa,

      Thank you for visiting this hub and dropping a kind comment.

    • Teresa Laurente profile image

      Maria Teresa Rodriguez - Laurente 

      8 years ago from San Antonio, Texas, U.S.A.

      I love this. I will read it all over again the next time too. Thank you for sharing this important reminders. These are very helpful for all.

    • Lgali profile image


      9 years ago

      good hub

    • franciaonline profile imageAUTHOR


      10 years ago from Philippines

      Hi stephhicks68,

      Thanks for visitng my site and leaving a comment.

      You inspire me to continue writing. I wish you join my fan club.


    • stephhicks68 profile image

      Stephanie Hicks 

      10 years ago from Bend, Oregon

      Great advice! I enjoy your writing and style. Welcome to HubPages. :-)

    • franciaonline profile imageAUTHOR


      10 years ago from Philippines

      Hi MM del Rosario,

      Nice of you to visit my site. Thanks.

      I posted a new hub on women and graying hair. I hope youfiind the time to visit again.


    • MM Del Rosario profile image

      MM Del Rosario 

      10 years ago from NSW, Australia

      these are good tips --- i like no 5 learn new skill - I agree and it gives you something to focus your energy......and I think everybody should not forget to exercise--- good for the soul and the body....

      well done.... regards MM

    • franciaonline profile imageAUTHOR


      10 years ago from Philippines

      Hi sixtyorso,

      Thank you for dropping by with your kind words.

      I hope to be a member of your fan circle.


    • sixtyorso profile image

      Clive Fagan 

      10 years ago from South Africa

      good hub

      keep up the good work

      welcome to hubpages


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