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How to Find Your Ideal Mate in 3 Steps

Updated on June 10, 2019
I Am Rosa profile image

This mom of two has worked with non-profits to provide educational and health programs for local children and improve the local workforce.


The Method of Modern Love

We all want to find someone to love and who will love us back unconditionally. It’s built into our very being, yet we fear it. When we don’t understand the “how” of things, we begin to doubt it and ourselves. How do you find love? How do you know they’re the right person? How do you know if they will love you? Am I loveable? Why would anyone want to be with me? …. Downward spiralling you go ….

Stop it.

You’re hurting yourself for no reason. There is no big mystery behind finding your ideal mate. No universal secrets to unravel. The process is a natural progression once you have a clear picture. So, here it is. How you can find your ideal mate in 3 very simple steps.

Step 1: Learn to Love Yourself

This is the very first thing that needs to be put into place for your journey to happiness. It’s shocking how many people want to be loved by others without first loving themselves. They expect the other person to somehow magically make them a better person or fill the big empty in their soul. That’s a fast trip to misery for two.

Fortunately, this is simple to fix if you go about it the right way. To vaguely quote a once popular song: You gotta accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative.


Accentuate the Positive

Make a list of 5-10 things you like about yourself. It may be something as simple as the shape of your eyes or how calm you are in a crisis. Maybe it’s a specific talent or skill you have.

Every day, focus on the things you like about yourself and accentuate them. By this I mean: make a big deal of them:

  • View awards and certificates of accomplishment and feel the pride of earning them;
  • Look yourself in the mirror and sincerely compliment yourself;
  • Thank yourself for a job well done or task completed.

Do this every day for a month to make sure this positive self-feeding takes hold.



I said they were simple steps. I never promised that it would be easy. Anything worth having is worth working for if you’re going to respect it.

Take baby steps, reward yourself for each step forward and be kind to yourself if you happen to slip back a little.

Eliminate the Negative

Make a list of 3-5 things you would like to improve about yourself or your life. Maybe you want to live in a better part of town or stop saying hurtful things to yourself. Maybe you’d like to learn how to dress for your body shape or start eating healthier. It could be anything. Just select the things that are most important to you so you can keep the list short.

Select only one thing from that list (so you don't become overwhelmed) and work on changing it. You may want to break it down into smaller steps if it’s a big change and do one thing at a time. If you don’t know how to go about making the desired change, you can:

  • Take a workshop;
  • Read self-help books;
  • Seek help from a trained professional in the field of expertise you need help with.

When you’ve got that one thing under your control, pick something else you’d like to improve and work on it.

Step 2: Define What You Really Want

Take a good, hard look at what you really want for yourself. Where do you want to be in 6 months from now? Two years? Five? What do you want to have? What type of people do you want to be surrounded by? How successful do you want to be?


Key Qualities

Key qualities on my list included:

  • Financially responsible;
  • Shares my goals and helps me move toward them;
  • Hugs and kisses me, creating an environment of affection;
  • Thinks for himself and is not manipulated by other people’s opinions;
  • Faithful; his eye, heart, and mind never wanders from me;
  • Is willing to do what’s right, even if it means personal loss;
  • Keeps his word;
  • Loves children, is good with them, and is ready to raise a family;
  • Values my opinion.

Now, since we’re going to find your ideal mate, let’s take a closer look at what you want and need from that person. That starts with an honest look at yourself:

  • What are your values?
  • What are your morals?
  • What are your goals?

Look around at couples you admire. Make a list of the qualities you like and want in a partner.

  • What do you need from a partner?
  • What do you want from a partner?
  • What are your deal-breakers?

A Quick Note About Deal Breakers

You may have noticed that what you focus on the most is attracted to you. You may dislike smoking and find that everywhere you go, someone is blowing their smoke in your face. This is part of the universal law of attraction. To avoid attracting those things you don’t want in your life, phrase them in a positive light. For example, if you want a non-smoker, consider the term “healthy lifestyle”.

“Must Haves” and “Negotiable” Qualities

Next, go through your list and figure out which things are non-negotiable and which you are flexible about. For example, I’ve been told that I have a “strong personality” and it has been a problem for me in past relationships, because the other person never feels confident enough to speak up. So, one of my Must Haves was “Is secure enough that he won’t be bullied by me.” I also enjoy dancing, however “Likes to dance” was a negotiable quality. You need to know what is vital to your success and what you can live without.

For my personal Ideal Mate list, I divided the qualities into several main categories to help me organize them and avoid repetition.

  • Financially
  • Spiritually
  • Emotionally
  • Intellectually
  • Morally
  • Socially
  • Physically
  • Familial
  • General

You may find it useful to use some or all of these headings to help organize your list.

Step 3: Make Yourself Available

This may seem obvious, but a surprising amount of people are so “busy” or set in their ways that they really aren’t open for dating or even socializing beyond their established relationships. Get out there and start to meet people any positive way you can:

  • Go to community events and festivals;
  • Join a sports league;
  • Join a theatre or art group;
  • Take classes in something you always wanted to learn;
  • Make friendly banter with someone in the grocery store about the selection of fruit or availability of gluten-free snacks.

Quit freaking yourself out about this stuff. It’s as simple as saying, “yes” when someone asks you for coffee (as long as they’re not an obvious “NO!”). Start interacting with people. Strike up conversation.

Take the pressure off yourself: don’t ask for a date, ask for an extension of the conversation and socializing that you’re already doing. Say, “This is a great conversation, can we continue it tomorrow over coffee?” or “Hey, there’s a great band playing on Friday night that I think you’d like. Would you like to go see them?” It really is that easy.

A Final Note

You may have people tell you that you’re being too picky, but really? You’re looking for someone you have to get along with - and be happy with - for the rest of your life. Do you really want to settle? … I didn’t think so. You want to have things in common so you can enjoy each other’s company. Just because your friends or family members may have settled, doesn’t mean that you have to. There is someone out there that fits your list.

Keep in mind that the person you’re looking for is also looking for you, so don’t give up. Whether they’re just down the street or on the other side of the planet, when you’re both ready, the universe will bring you together in harmony. Your job is to prepare for that day. Make sure you’re ready, your finances are in order and things are in place for that other person to be able to step smoothly into your life.


© 2012 Rosa Marchisella


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