ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

How to Get Revenge on an Ex-Best Friend

Updated on July 8, 2015
Vengeful friends.
Vengeful friends. | Source

Give peace a chance

We'd much prefer your efforts to be directed toward reconciliation, but such is life. Some of us just can't get along with ex-best friends no matter how many free Chipotle gift cards they send us. If you absolutely insist on revenge, here are some helpful tips.

Try to stay out of jail as you scheme your devious machinations. Ordering things from eBay becomes problematic if the boxes won't fit between the cell bars.

Drive an Audi

Cruise past the hovel of your best ex-friend in a shiny Audi automobile obtained via eBay. Selections change daily and every offering is better than the last. Put the top down, if it's a convertible, and crank up the premium audio system. Plug in your iPod, iPad, smart phone, laptop, Bluetooth, and waffle iron: nothing inspires jealousy more than a noisy breakfast at 60 mph.

We love the effect that high-end German engineering has on spoiled relationships between sentient humans. Your former friends will be inspired to go online looking for their own 6-cylinder revenge.

Start a blog

Consider the advantages of anonymous sniping toward those who formerly loved and supported you. An Internet blog offers hours of fun long after you've parked your BMW in your palatial garage. Stay up late into the hot Summer evenings pounding out insightful screeds describing what went wrong with that relationship. It's not your fault.

Grab a domain name, install a WordPress blog, and get busy. We're here to help. Your family will read it. It might go viral and crash your server. Hours of Internet fun await you and your ex-friends.

Join the NBA

Your ex-best friend will be green with envy when they realize your success in the National Basketball Association. They will long to be part of your posse and share in the largesse generated by a long-term no-cut contract. They will see you on ESPN dunking aggressively and commenting insightfully. Revenge is a dish best served on basic cable.

Our NBA 2015 World Champions (the world, evidently, is North America) have become the Golden State Warriors. Should you plan to join a team, that would be an appropriate choice. Tend to avoid the Philadelphia 76ers. That franchise can't make up its mind to play hard or tank the season for higher draft choices. Dr. J isn't going to walk through that door.

Give peas a chance

They're green, the color of envy. Your former confidants will turn the same color when they see you enjoying a life replete with peas. This spherical vegetable provides vital nutrients and carbohydrates necessary to all jealousy-based projects. We love the cute little pods.

Wikipedia, which is hardly ever wrong about this type of thing, asserts that peas are annual plants. You must start over every year. On the off chance that you and your ex-best friend reconcile over the Winter, don't expect last years peas to sprout accidentally and spoil the fun.

Sometimes revenge is not the best medicine
Sometimes revenge is not the best medicine | Source

Give teas a chance

Everything goes better with tea. In fact, a reconciliation meal of tea and peas just might solve international strife while providing crucial nourishment. Wide varieties of tea can be bid upon via thoughtful eBay sellers. We like Earl Grey.

Look for wide ranges of tea accoutrement as well. You can't throw a tea party without mugs, pots, strainers, pitchers, and all manner of flavorings. Pick out a spill-proof mug that fits cozily into your BMW cupholder. Your ex-best friends will take notice and probably not give it back.

Dogs inspire peace, not vengeance
Dogs inspire peace, not vengeance | Source

Give geese a chance

Once you've revenged yourself silly, look for ways to make amends. A goose can help. Few concrete yard ornaments inspire thoughts of reconciliation like proud well-dressed waterfowl. We adore the pilgrim motif, but your personal tastes are probably superior.

Look for used geese clothing on eBay and other reputable online sources. Since these ornamental birds don't exactly wear out their togs, you can usually be assured of quality products at reduced prices.

Hot tip: buy matching outfits for your goose and your newly amended best-friends' goose. If they don't already have faux migratory fowl in the front yard, now is the time for you to make their landscaping complete.

Call your ex-friend on a New Smartphone

Nothing says revenge like your analog voice originating into a digital smartphone. The Samsung AgressAMatic XPQZ-43 5G multitasking mindPhone has yet to be introduced but plenty of fascinating new models can be ordered online.

We love the expression on your ex-friends face when they realize that your phone is better than anything they could possibly imagine. Revenge is a dish best served wirelessly.

Samsung and Motorola and HTC and Nokia all manufacture quality models. Make yourself proud to be a former friend by stocking up on each and every one. A used model might just provide you with a SIM card or a flash card packed with predefined phone numbers, videos, and Angry Birds high scores. Dial randomly from you new-found list of contacts. It's like finding a new friend in the mail.

Conclusion

You may need your friends in the future, ex or not. When the stock market crashes and we all head for the hills to live in bunkers, it'll be nice to know that the family over the next ridge isn't planning to usurp your drinking water. Keep building friendships rather than burning down bridges.

How many ex-best friends do you have?

See results

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • nicomp profile imageAUTHOR

      nicomp really 

      5 years ago from Ohio, USA

      Whoops, this hub continues to labor in anonymity. Hublords have declared it unsatisfactory. I am truly sorry if your eyes are burning.

    • nicomp profile imageAUTHOR

      nicomp really 

      5 years ago from Ohio, USA

      drbj: We will never know what we know because the HubGods do not reveal specific deficiencies. They just generalize broadly.

    • drbj profile image

      drbj and sherry 

      5 years ago from south Florida

      It's quality to me, nicomp, but then I appreciate wit and ingenuity, so what do I know?

    • nicomp profile imageAUTHOR

      nicomp really 

      5 years ago from Ohio, USA

      This hub does not meet quality standards... I need to add some quality stuff. When I figure out what that is, look out.

    • nicomp profile imageAUTHOR

      nicomp really 

      5 years ago from Ohio, USA

      Friends are like blisters: they are a pain, but they're worse when they pop.

    • drbj profile image

      drbj and sherry 

      5 years ago from south Florida

      As of the moment, nicomp, I don't have any ex-best friends, but your gift suggestions are so remarkably ingenious, I'm gonna start right now to break up some friendships.

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)