How to Get Revenge on an Ex-Best Friend
Give peace a chance
We'd much prefer your efforts to be directed toward reconciliation, but such is life. Some of us just can't get along with ex-best friends no matter how many free Chipotle gift cards they send us. If you absolutely insist on revenge, here are some helpful tips.
Try to stay out of jail as you scheme your devious machinations. Ordering things from eBay becomes problematic if the boxes won't fit between the cell bars.
Drive an Audi
Cruise past the hovel of your best ex-friend in a shiny Audi automobile obtained via eBay. Selections change daily and every offering is better than the last. Put the top down, if it's a convertible, and crank up the premium audio system. Plug in your iPod, iPad, smart phone, laptop, Bluetooth, and waffle iron: nothing inspires jealousy more than a noisy breakfast at 60 mph.
We love the effect that high-end German engineering has on spoiled relationships between sentient humans. Your former friends will be inspired to go online looking for their own 6-cylinder revenge.
Start a blog
Consider the advantages of anonymous sniping toward those who formerly loved and supported you. An Internet blog offers hours of fun long after you've parked your BMW in your palatial garage. Stay up late into the hot Summer evenings pounding out insightful screeds describing what went wrong with that relationship. It's not your fault.
Grab a domain name, install a WordPress blog, and get busy. We're here to help. Your family will read it. It might go viral and crash your server. Hours of Internet fun await you and your ex-friends.
Join the NBA
Your ex-best friend will be green with envy when they realize your success in the National Basketball Association. They will long to be part of your posse and share in the largesse generated by a long-term no-cut contract. They will see you on ESPN dunking aggressively and commenting insightfully. Revenge is a dish best served on basic cable.
Our NBA 2015 World Champions (the world, evidently, is North America) have become the Golden State Warriors. Should you plan to join a team, that would be an appropriate choice. Tend to avoid the Philadelphia 76ers. That franchise can't make up its mind to play hard or tank the season for higher draft choices. Dr. J isn't going to walk through that door.
Give peas a chance
They're green, the color of envy. Your former confidants will turn the same color when they see you enjoying a life replete with peas. This spherical vegetable provides vital nutrients and carbohydrates necessary to all jealousy-based projects. We love the cute little pods.
Wikipedia, which is hardly ever wrong about this type of thing, asserts that peas are annual plants. You must start over every year. On the off chance that you and your ex-best friend reconcile over the Winter, don't expect last years peas to sprout accidentally and spoil the fun.
Give teas a chance
Everything goes better with tea. In fact, a reconciliation meal of tea and peas just might solve international strife while providing crucial nourishment. Wide varieties of tea can be bid upon via thoughtful eBay sellers. We like Earl Grey.
Look for wide ranges of tea accoutrement as well. You can't throw a tea party without mugs, pots, strainers, pitchers, and all manner of flavorings. Pick out a spill-proof mug that fits cozily into your BMW cupholder. Your ex-best friends will take notice and probably not give it back.
Give geese a chance
Once you've revenged yourself silly, look for ways to make amends. A goose can help. Few concrete yard ornaments inspire thoughts of reconciliation like proud well-dressed waterfowl. We adore the pilgrim motif, but your personal tastes are probably superior.
Look for used geese clothing on eBay and other reputable online sources. Since these ornamental birds don't exactly wear out their togs, you can usually be assured of quality products at reduced prices.
Hot tip: buy matching outfits for your goose and your newly amended best-friends' goose. If they don't already have faux migratory fowl in the front yard, now is the time for you to make their landscaping complete.
Call your ex-friend on a New Smartphone
Nothing says revenge like your analog voice originating into a digital smartphone. The Samsung AgressAMatic XPQZ-43 5G multitasking mindPhone has yet to be introduced but plenty of fascinating new models can be ordered online.
We love the expression on your ex-friends face when they realize that your phone is better than anything they could possibly imagine. Revenge is a dish best served wirelessly.
Samsung and Motorola and HTC and Nokia all manufacture quality models. Make yourself proud to be a former friend by stocking up on each and every one. A used model might just provide you with a SIM card or a flash card packed with predefined phone numbers, videos, and Angry Birds high scores. Dial randomly from you new-found list of contacts. It's like finding a new friend in the mail.
You may need your friends in the future, ex or not. When the stock market crashes and we all head for the hills to live in bunkers, it'll be nice to know that the family over the next ridge isn't planning to usurp your drinking water. Keep building friendships rather than burning down bridges.