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How to Get Whatever You Want - A Satirical View

Updated on February 15, 2014

The 5 Steps to Desired Results

You want something done. You tried being nice. You even asked politely, but you're still left unsatisfied. Now, it's time to try a new tactic. It is time to take the immature route. We all have those moments of immaturity. Being human means to attempt to get whatever you want through passive-aggressive measures. Every one of us is guilty, and with that established, all of us should find this a little bit funny. This article is satire. It is ripe with sarcasm, and its only intent is to draw a laugh. If someone actually learns something from it, that would be whipped cream on a bowl of ice cream.

One does not really need to complete or utilize all five steps that will be outlined here. Any one, or a combination thereof, should produce desired results in getting whatever you want. The key to be as childish as possible when executing them.

Step 1: State Your Desired Action or Result Under Your Breath and Out of Hearing Distance of Targeted Person

The key to this step (or action) is to make absolutely sure that the person did not hear what you requested ... or even demanded. The best way to get results from anyone is guaranteeing that he/she is not aware of your desire. If you have to repeat yourself, it is totally the other person's fault for not paying full and 100% attention to your every want or need. Because essentially, all of us are mind readers, and we know what everyone else wants and needs every moment of every day. We just choose to be selfish and ignore the thoughts we read. Yes, you thought it. Yes, someone read your mind. No, he/she did not care, and therefore, yes, he/she is being a(n) {insert colorful, derogatory and insulting noun here}.

Keep the Noise Down
Keep the Noise Down | Source

Step 2: Shout, Yell and/or Scream Your Desired Action or Result from a Room Not Occupied by Targeted Person

This step is essential to making your wants and needs heard. Nothing says "Listen to me" like shouting across a distance over the ambient and activated sounds often heard throughout houses, offices, warehouses or any other place where human beings create lots of noise. Radios, TVs, telephones, kids laughing/playing, dogs barking, cars honking and all the other sounds of life that you can think of will be drowning out whatever you are trying to yell, shout or scream to the person that just "refuses to listen" to you. Yes, you want or need something. Yes, you are trying to tell another person in your own special way. Yes, he/she snapped his/her fingers and turned on every sound and noise on the planet to drown you out. Why? Because he/she is still that colorful, derogatory and insulting noun that you called him/her just a couple of short minutes ago.

The Angry Stomp
The Angry Stomp | Source

Step 3: Loud Approach with a Silent but Hostile Confrontation

If you still haven't been heard, this step is one of the best ways to get whatever you want. You have to stomp really loud from whatever room you are located in to the room in which the other person is occupying. When doing so, you must make sure that your heel strikes the floor extra hard. This will really make the vibrations that will alert your target that you mean serious business and that you are to be shown extra respect. When you reach the destination room, make sure that the other person only sees you in the corner of his/her eye, but just barely. Also, just stand there silently with a belligerent scowl upon your face. When your target does not acknowledge you, you should sigh under your breath and stomp away again. Again, your mind was read and ignored. For extra emphasis, repeat past colorful, derogatory and insulting noun under your breath because your target will definitely hear that.

Step 4: Slam Doors and/or Throw Things Against the Wall

When you get back to whatever room your were in, you have to slam the door. The loud noise and vibration sent through the house will most assuredly be rewarded with your desired result. After slamming the door and without the arrival of the targeted person, you need to start throwing things. It is suggested that you start with non-breakable items. These things should be dropped to the floor. Thick, heavy books on the floor are most effective. If you are on the second floor of a house, the room in which you are located should be directly over the room of your target. This will definitely drive the hint home, but if it does not, you may begin with breakable items belonging to your target and throw them as hard as you can at the wall. This action will show that you have fully matured in your life and that you are most deserving of respect.

The Temper Tantrum Showdown
The Temper Tantrum Showdown | Source

Step 5: The Final Confrontation

If nothing else has worked to this point, there is nothing else to do but have the very heated, very hostile and very loud confrontation. You have had enough, and you will be heard whether the other person likes it or not. During your transit from room to room, you must repeat steps two through four. Exit your room. Slam the door. Stomp. Scream. Throw things at the person you are addressing, but you must address that person by the derogatory name that you have been calling him/her all this time. State your want or need at the highest possible volume that you can achieve. Also, you should throw in some colorful questions that insults that person's intelligence and character. Nothing is more charming or endearing.

Happy Results Yet?

If you have not accomplished getting your desired result, there is nothing more than you can really do. It is not your fault. You did everything you could to get the best possible result. The truth of the matter is that the world is against you. If you want anything done (and done to your specifications), you will just have to do it yourself. .... Or, you can try going to the location of that other person in the first place and respectfully requesting your desired action in a calm and pleasant voice. However, you should do whatever works best for you.

Happy Ending
Happy Ending | Source

Bonus Section

If you tried the calm and respectful approach in the first place and requested your desired result in a courteous manner but were denied, the most effective way of changing that person's mind is by screaming the first colorful, derogatory and insulting name that comes to mind. Also, you must unjustly accuse that person of never doing anything for you ... ever. Attacking every personal trait and character flaw is also essential to making that person re-evaluate his/her answer. You must belittle and berate in every manner that you can muster. Because, in the end, childish temper-tantrums are always the best ways in getting whatever you want.

© 2012 Charles Dawson


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