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How to Get the Guy Out of Your Head

Updated on December 15, 2011

Question number one on your mind: Why in the world can't I get over him?

Now that's a good question. Why is it that every time he calls, no matter how much I say I'm over him, I'm over it, when I see his name on the Caller ID my backbone literally slides out my backside.

Everyone is in your life for either a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

My mother reminds me of this as often as she can.

There are people that are in your life for a reason. From experience, I can tell you that there's a reason for this constant struggle to let go of this person. Some painful lesson that turns a hard head into a soft ass is lingering here. You haven't figured it out yet, but it's there. I know that's not comforting, so let's move on.

This particular person seems like a seasoner. He's dwelling around-- in your thoughts, in your spirit. Grr! Get out of my head already! I know! But, he's here to annoy the crap out of you until the light bulb turns on. I know the last guy I was seeing had the opportunity to appear in my dreams almost nightly for a while. But when I finally realized that I didn't need him for self-validation, my thoughts of him started to fade. I recall, not so fondly, that the thoughts really started to reach a climax directly before I came to this realization.

So just start thinking long and hard about what you're supposed to be learning from this. And pray on it. That's crucial. Because thankfully we weren't born with all of the answers. That's why life's a journey. We search for the answers along the way and then, one day, Boom! We get it! Often we're dead at this point, but maybe you're more of a Siddhartha, just hanging around in some realm where no one can find you.

I myself feel that there is only that one who's around for a lifetime. And I only believe that because I WOULD BE WASTING MY FREAKING TIME if we got MULTIPLE lifetimers. So, be patient for that lifer.

Now here's some real advice. How I got over him in 3 easy steps (I Promise).


Step 1)

To begin, every time I thought of him, I gave give thanks to God for why he wasn't in my life. For every annoying reminder of why we not together, I lifted up a new reason to be thankful. For instance…

"Thank you God that I don't have to spend the money to fly back and forth to see him."

"Thank you God that I can open the door for new people to come into my life."

"Thank you God for these years of my youth where I can just be free and learn and grow by myself."

Maybe they sound cheesy, or perhaps they just sound like lip service. But like my line sister Mary always say, eventually lip service turns into the truth. And over time, I believed myself and kept pushing forward to let it go.


Step 2)

Once I got my head wrapped around reasons why I didn't need him in my life, I realized one night that I was using him to try to validate myself. We had a good time together and the way he cared for me made me feel good about me. Unfortunately, the way he treated me, as a part time girlfriend and full time "homegirl", I had to put my foot down. I matter more to me. I needed to learn how to validate my damn self. Thus, whenever he passed over my thoughts, I would repeat:

"I don’t need you to validate me."

Over and over again until the thought passed. At this point, it was getting MUCH easier. The thoughts of him were even more infrequent.


Step 3)

When I slowly but surely began to learn how to validate myself, I then repeated the words

"Our season is almost over"

ad nauseum until my thoughts of him were ever more sparse. These words were just something I made up one day. But something about the repetition honestly made it better. At this point, I was affirming to myself and to the universe that he was a seasoner. And his season desperately needed to end before I drove myself coo-coo-ca-chu, if you know what I mean.

Finally free.

One day, after a great push from another line sister, I finally got the testicular fortitude to say to him the following words, verbatim:

"I love you, I want to be with you, I don’t care how far apart we are. It is what it is, I can't force you to love me but this is what I want. Let me know now if I need to move on because I'm tired of waiting for you to show me the clear cut sign that you want me as much as I want you."

And he was blunt with me. The timing was wrong, our positions in life were wrong. A relationship would not be happening between us. I can't lie. That freaking hurt. I hung up and went to bed directly afterward.

The next day, though, when I woke up, I felt so free. Like the weight of trying to attach myself to another person was gone. When I took a shower, I felt so confident. Like I'd let go of being that weak girl that let's her infatuation with someone take over her life. From there it was easy. In the moments when I realized I was over him, I laughed. A good laugh. Perhaps a foolish looking laugh, but it felt good nonetheless. And that's it. End of story.

How did you get over your ex?


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